Naruto Goes To Greece
by wlkwos
Summary: A mission takes an unexpected turn, stranding Naruto and his friends in a land populated by heroes, witches, monsters and gods. Except the gods are on holiday, Sakura has vanished without a trace, and all Shikamaru wants to do is go home.
1. Chapter One: The Inciting Moment

I'd like to thank the fluff-pirates for laughing uproariously at this fic, and telling me that I should post it. I'd also like to thank puddle-of-lemonade for guiding me through how to format the piece for this site, as well as suggesting that I explain the classicist jokes. She is also responsible for the warning that this is a story with unrelated one-shots interspersed between the chapters which have a common plot.

**Disclaimer:** _Naruto_ is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. Characters and quotes from and allusions to other works are referenced in the notes at the end of the chapter.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chapter One

The Inciting Moment

Hidden in the great forest of the Fire Country, swarming with ninja busy on missions, the little village of Konoha was basking happily in the warm spring sunshine. Indeed, the little village was quietly confident about its future, unaware that it was making a bad mistake, because the immediate future – for those with sharingan eyes to see it – was about to involve a space-time ninjutsu superior to any power possessed by a shinobi. It began with the sky falling.

Picture a sky of the softest blue, streaked here and there with the occasional wispy cloud. Now, imagine that there is a moment in which the sky seems to blink, and then belly and stretch, as though part of it has turned to water and is being dragged down by the inexorable pull of gravity. And then the droplet of sky breaks loose and plummets towards the treetops, rushing down, down, down, and vanishes under the canopy of leaves. For an instant, coils of blue vapour twine amongst the branches, before dissolving back into the atmosphere. All of this happens in the space of a heartbeat, hardly any time to be seen at all.

And then somewhere in the forest, a happy voice says, "Puu!"

xXx

Shikamaru was the only person in the village to see the momentary warping of the sky. For a moment he remained where he was, thinking that it had looked suspiciously like Kakashi's Kamui, which was odd, considering that Kakashi was away on a mission. What a drag it would be to get up and tell the Hokage that somebody had just used an extremely powerful space-time jutsu on the outskirts of Konoha, but, troublesome or not, it was his responsibility as a shinobi.

He sighed and sat up. Rubbing the back of his neck and flexing his shoulders to ease all the aches that the wooden slats of the bench had pressed into them, he squinted out over the rooftops of the village to the point where the droplet of sky had landed. Damn it, he had just been ready to head home too.

Half an hour later, he was heading out the village gates at the head of a four man cell composed of Team Ten and Hinata. Tsunade's instructions had been very specific: try to find whoever had used the jutsu, but to avoid contact until further notice. As soon as they had located their target, they were to send a message back to the Hokage tower and she would send the necessary backup.

"Since this is a scouting mission, wouldn't Neji be a better choice for team leader?" he had asked, already knowing what her answer would be, but still willing to try.

"True, the byakugan would be useful," she said thoughtfully, tapping the side of her tea cup with one nail. "Tell you what, I'll add Hinata to your team. That should help with locating the target."

So now he was stuck with a mission to track down some unknown and extraordinarily powerful shinobi, when all he'd wanted to do was spend the rest of the afternoon at home playing shogi. Just his luck.

Suppressing a sigh, he turned to Hinata. "Can you use your byakugan to scan the area to two o'clock? Tell me if you see anything strange."

She nodded, a web of veins springing out around her pale eyes. "I can see N-naruto-kun and Sakura and Sai-kun," she said. "They're just standing around, though."

"How troublesome," Shikamaru said. "We'll have to warn them to be on their guard. Hinata, keep a lookout with your byakugan as we go."

"Yes!"

As it turned out, Team Kakashi had already completed Shikamaru's mission. At first, Shikamaru dismissed the white manju bun on the ground as he started to explain the situation to Naruto, Sakura and Sai, but then it twitched one of its oversized ears and waved a paw at him and his jaw dropped.

"What is that?" Ino asked. "Is it a rabbit?"

"Er … it's …" Sakura began, but the little white creature interrupted her.

"Mokona is Mokona and everybody's idol!" With a laugh, it jumped straight into Hinata's arms and kissed her on the cheek, making her blush a brilliant pink.

"What do you think it is?" Ino asked again, fighting down the reflexive shojo eyes that Mokona inspires in girls in every dimension.

"We think it might be a very strange summons," Sakura said, "so Sai's mice are searching the forest for the summoner."

At least _one_ of them had sense, Shikamaru thought. Really, it hardly seemed as though the girls were paying any attention to the fact that there was someone out there who had just used an S-ranked jutsu, the way they were giggling over this strange white creature. Hinata was even cuddling it –

"Hinata, you'd better put it down," he said levelly. "That thing could be much more dangerous than it appears. For all we know, it has some strange powers – best to stay alert until Sai's mice co–"

The manju waved both paws in the air. "Mokona has a power! Mokona can cross dimensions! Let's travel together!" Before it could be stopped, it bounced out of Hinata's arms, great white wings unfurling from its back in midair.

"Hey, what is that, Sakura-chan?" Naruto exclaimed.

"As if I know!"

Lapping coils of shifting light suddenly started to rise around them, and Ino and Hinata shrieked. "What's happening?"

This was bad, Shikamaru thought as he made the seal for kagemane no jutsu. If he could just immobilise the manju bun, they might have a chance to get out of this, but those walls of light were rising fast, and his shadow couldn't keep up, not in the blink of an eye, and now everything was closed in save for a patch of blue sky overhead, and he wasn't going to make it –

The sky winked for a second time that day, and then the forest was a lot emptier than it had been a moment before.

xXx

Naruto was not certain if he was standing or lying down or falling. There was a sensation of extreme speed, and yet he felt as though he were simply floating, hanging weightless in space. An instant later, there was a tug at his body, a plummeting lurch in the pit of his stomach, and then he knew for sure that he was in free fall. Before he had time to even mould chakra to form a kagebunshin, he had slammed facedown against something hard, the breath jolting from his lungs. Around him, he could hear the dull thuds and gasps and grunts as his teammates and Shikamaru's squad crashed to the ground beside him. Somebody's elbow whacked him on the back of his head, and someone else landed on his legs, and then, from somewhere just above him, a happy little voice said, "Puu!"

Heaving himself up, Naruto swung round to look at Mokona at the same time as Sakura did. "What the hell was that, you white manju bun?" they yelled in unison.

"Excuse me," said a voice from behind them, "but what, exactly, are you doing on my ship?"

"We don't know!" Naruto and Sakura shouted.

The red-headed man took a step back, hands raised. "I'm sure I'm sorry," he said. "Just asking. Only, you see, it's been a bit of a bugger of a voyage so far, and I'm wondering what new deadly peril or insurmountable obstacle you lot might be."

"D-deadly p-peril?" Hinata started to fidget with her fingers.

"Insurmountable obstacle?" Ino asked.

"Well, you see, I've just laid waste a really big city – this chap I know, his wife ran off with another man, who was from this city, and he really wanted her back. You know, she's the most beautiful woman in the world and all that, only after ten years, well, she isn't quite so young and beautiful any more, but she hides it quite well."

"Are you talking about Tsunade-baachan? She's, like, fifty years old, but she uses a jutsu to make herself look about twenty, and she's got the most enormous boo–"

"Shut up, Naruto!"

"Ow!"

"Er," said the man, glancing nervously at Sakura. "No, not your Tsunade, really. Anyway, we took so long to sack the city because the other kings took ten years to learn that brute force isn't the way to fight a powerful military. Anyway, there was this clever plan involving a wooden horse. I'm sure you've heard of it. No?" He looked a little disappointed. "All right then. But anyway, I'd packed up and was on my way home when this storm blew my ship off course to the land of the Lotus-eaters."

"The what? Like Fuzzy Brows?"

"Just _shut up_, Naruto!"

Shikamaru had to hand it to the man, who picked up his story without batting an eyelid, despite the fact that Sakura was throttling her noisy teammate right under his nose. Talk about a cool customer.

"And since then, it's just been one thing after another. Drug addicts, cannibals, one-eyed _giant_ cannibals, divine squalls, and generally pissed off gods. So, what are you lot?"

"Mokona is Mokona!"

"And I'm the great ninja Uzumaki Naruto!" said Naruto. "One day I'm going to surpass all the Hokages!"

"Ah, could you possibly not shout out words like 'surpass' and 'great'?" the man asked. "It tends to – irritate the gods, and I've had more than my fair share of bad luck."

"Why? What'll they do?" Shikamaru asked.

"Oh, lob a lightning bolt at me or shipwreck me on a witch's island or something. You can't trust the gods," he said gloomily, tugging at one earlobe. He wore small golden hoops in his ears. "Their idea of a fair game is snakes and ladders with greased rungs."

"Sounds like Orochimaru to me," said Naruto. "Do any of your gods have dead white skin, like Sai over here" – Sai smiled politely – "and a long purple tongue? I mean a seriously long purple tongue."

"Er … I've never really had the pleas- the priv- the, er, er, the – I've, well, I've never really seen a god's tongue. In fact, the gods don't really show themselves to us mere mortals."

Shikamaru sighed. "Excuse me," he said. "I'd like to ask you, where exactly are we?"

"Um, somewhere in the middle of the sea. The Keeper of the Winds is several days' sail behind us, and Terror Incognitum is an unspecified distance ahead."

Well, _that_ was helpful, Shikamaru thought.

Ino had been silent for a while, but now she spoke up. "Chouji, what on earth _are_ you wearing?"

Her teammate looked down at his blue and white striped trousers and large brown shoes. "I don't really know," he said sheepishly. "I had these on when I landed here, but I don't remember changing clothes. And I certainly didn't plait my hair."

"I like it!" said Mokona, and bounced onto Chouji's bare shoulder.

A faint frown creased Shikamaru's forehead. That white manju had whisked them out of Konoha and dropped them goodness knows where, and still the others were treating it like a kitten. He looked up at a tap on his shoulder. It was the red-headed captain of the ship.

"I'm guessing you're the leader of the group," the man said. "I'll come straight to the point. What are you lot, really? And what do you want?"

"We're … lost," said Shikamaru. "And all I want is to go home."

"Really? Then we're in the same boat."

"Yes," said Shikamaru dryly. "I'd already noticed."

xXx

"Land ahoy!"

Shikamaru looked up at the sound of Naruto's voice. The fair-haired boy was standing on the top of the mast, looking out across the sea, his arms folded and the long ribbons of his hitai-ate fluttering in the breeze. A moment later, he jumped lightly down to the deck, ignoring the startled looks of the captain.

"It's not very far away," he said. "You can see it from here too."

"Right then," said Shikamaru, turning to Chouji. "Can you give us a push?"

His teammate was already running towards the stern of the ship, one hand holding his little horned helmet on his head. "Right!" He swung himself over the railing and splashed down into the water feet first.

"What on earth –" said Sakura.

"I don't know," said Shikamaru. "I really don't."

"But you were the one who asked him to give us a push."

"Yes, well, the words kind of came out before I knew I was saying them."

There was a churning noise from the stern of the ship, and it seemed that their wake had grown rather wider and more frothy. Sakura put a hand up to push her hair out of her eyes.

"Is it just me," she asked, "or are we picking up speed?"

Shikamaru looked back towards the bow. It was slowly but steadily rising out of the water, and the wind that had filled the sails from behind was fighting a losing battle with the jetstream hitting the ship from the front. The grinning crew had already shipped their oars and were climbing up onto the deck, gathering at the bow with the rest of the ninja and Mokona, as the captain let go of the tiller and looked over the rails. Eyebrows raised, he started towards Shikamaru and Sakura.

"Well," he said. "The gods would appear to have relented. I might make it home in less than ten years after all."

Just then came the grinding, crunching judder of a ship running aground at high speed, and the captain winced.

"On second thoughts, I might have spoken too soon," he said.

Surprisingly enough, the wreck had sounded worse than it actually was. Whilst the captain was preoccupied with examining his ship's keel for damage, Shikamaru wasted no time in gathering up his four man cell and Team Kakashi and leading them a little way up the beach, making very sure to leave Mokona behind.

"We want to find out where we are," he said, "and how to get back to Konoha. So, Hinata, if you can use your byakugan …"

"There's a house some distance inland," she said. "It's deep in the woods. And it has a pigpen behind it."

"Is there anyone in the house?"

"Ah … yes." A bead of sweat collected on Hinata's temple. "It looks like Shizune-san and Tonton."

Hinata was right. As the young shinobi approached the house, slipping from tree to tree, hiding behind screening shrubs and bushes, the door banged open to reveal an extremely annoyed Shizune, Tonton at her heels.

"Don't think I don't know you're out there," she snapped. "Now, which one of you is Odysseus?"

"Um, none of us?" ventured Sakura. "It's just us. Uh, Shizune-san, what are you doing here?"

"That's what I'd like to know," said Shizune. "One minute I'm delivering a pile of documents to Tsunade-sama, and the next I'm on an island in the middle of who knows where, holding a note that says, 'On vacation, gone to the Hesperides. If Odysseus arrives here, tell him to take a trip to the underworld and help him on his way – xoxo, Circe.' And that pigpen round the back was full of men who'd been transformed into pigs. I reversed the jutsu, and did any of them stop to say thank you? No, they all bolted. All I ever want is a little gratitude, and do I ever get it? No, instead I get dumped with a mission to kill this man," she said, waving a photograph in their faces.

"Oh!" said Naruto. "That's the captain of the ship!"

"_Buu_," said Tonton.

xXx

The ship was still drawn up on the beach, the sailors sitting around a driftwood fire, but Odysseus was nowhere to be seen until Hinata pinpointed him a good way inland, heading in the general direction of the house.

"I'd rather capture him and ask him some questions," said Shizune grimly. "He's a civilian and I've never much enjoyed killing them. So we'll set up an ambush for him in a glade just below the house instead."

"He'll be expecting that," Shikamaru warned.

"Aren't you supposed to be a brilliant strategist?"

Shikamaru sighed. "How troublesome."

Half an hour later, four shinobi were hidden around the glade. Several massive trees surrounded it, their roots rising like gnarled buttresses from the ground. Mats of moss hung from the branches, like dense black beards that shone deep green where they were caught by the slanting afternoon sunlight. At the head of the glade, a giant bough, bent under its own weight, formed an arch that two baika no jutsu Choujis could have fitted under quite comfortably. It was all very quiet.

Into the quiet came the sound of Mokona singing.

xXx

Back at the house, Ino and Hinata were ransacking the clothes chests, trying to find something else for Chouji to wear. So far, though, all they had come across were heaps of diaphanous linen robes, dyed in shades of saffron and scarlet and purple, and all of them very unsuitable for a man to wear, unless his name was Deidara and even then only if he had had surgery. Ino, however, was in transports of delight, and she kept shaking the dresses out with little squeals, holding them up against herself, asking Hinata what she thought.

"These kunoichi are crazy," said Chouji to himself as Ino turned to the perfume flasks on the dressing table, unstoppering each in turn and smelling them.

"Oh, really?" said Sakura, with a dangerous little smile as she leaned up against the doorframe.

"No, I didn't mean it," he said. "It just – sort of – slipped out."

Sakura gave him a quizzical look and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, very much aware of his lack of proper clothes. "Never mind," she said presently. "I'm going to step outside for a bit, take a look around."

"Be careful," Chouji told her. "We have no idea what's out there."

"I know," she said. "Later."

xXx

Crouched in the fork of two giant branches, Naruto waited, tracking the progress of Mokona and Odysseus through the forest by the sound of Mokona's singing. They would be here soon, and he tilted forward, staring keenly at the trees at the far end of the glade.

And then there they were, Odysseus pausing at the fringe of the trees and looking all around before stepping out into the open.

Now! Naruto thought, and launched himself down from the branch. "Here I come!" he yelled, but even as Odysseus looked up, eyes widening, a hand closed on Naruto's arm, pulling him out of his plunge.

"I don't think so, kid," said a voice from behind him, and the next thing Naruto knew, there was a smear of red clouds on black and then he was tumbling head over heels through the air. He slammed into a tree trunk, arching in pain, and then disappeared with a pop and a puff of smoke.

"Right!" said his attacker, hopping down to the ground, his cloud-patterned cloak billowing around him. Landing lightly on his feet, he strolled over to Odysseus, who backed up half a pace, one hand on his dagger hilt. "Zetsu-san said that Tobi was to give you this." He held up a paper-white flower in his gloved hand. "You're supposed to keep it when you visit the witch. It's magic. And so are these earrings. Here – catch." He tossed the flower and the little metal studs casually towards Odysseus, then turned away, his orange mask catching the light.

"I know you're there, little leaves," he said cheerfully. "Four on one – that's _so_ unfair. I'd better run. I'll play with you some other time, 'kay?"

One moment he was there in the clearing, and the next he was gone.

xXx

Sakura's exploration of the forest had become more of a ramble as she wandered from one sunlit glade to the next. That in itself was not bad. What was bothering her was the fact that she had to keep fighting down a very strong impulse to burst into song and warble duets with the bluebirds. And were forests normally so full of chipmunks and rabbits? She didn't think so, but all the same when the next rabbit and chipmunk appeared in her path, she found herself saying, "Oh, how cute." And she hadn't meant to – the words had just slipped out.

The rabbit and chipmunk remained there, staring at her with their enormous eyes, and for a moment she had the most terrible urge to start singing. To her horror, she could feel herself taking a breath, feel her lips parting, and then she growled, "A couple of rodents looking for a theme park." And then she marched on, determined not to look at any more goddamn bunnies, because her shinobi senses were tingling.

Ahead, she could see the trees thinning out and giving way to a long slope of flower-sprinkled grass, and beyond that, the glint of sunlight on water. Wherever this place was, it was certainly very beautiful.

"Hello there," breathed a voice in her ear.

xXx

"All right," Odysseus said, twiddling the white flower between finger and thumb. "I know you're there, so why don't you come out and we talk about this."

Naruto glanced at Shizune, who simply shrugged. "We've got nothing to lose," she said. "And Shikamaru can still use his kagemane to immobilise him if necessary."

"So," Odysseus said, once all four ninja had appeared before him in the glade. "Where are the girls and the fat boy? And who are you? The witch?"

"No, I am not the witch!" Shizune snapped. "I'm just filling in for her whilst she's on holiday. And the others are back at the house."

"So if you aren't the witch, do I still need this?" He held up the papery flower and the earrings.

"If they give you protection, probably yes," said Shizune, "as I'm supposed to kill you."

"Oh, well, that's a useful thing to know." He paused, unclipping the small golden hoops already in his ears and replacing them with the small dark studs that he had been given along with the flower. For just one moment, Shikamaru could have sworn that a strange ripple pattern spread across his blue-grey eyes, but when he blinked, there was nothing there. "So I assume that this was not exactly the welcoming committee of a surprise party?"

"No."

"What a surprise. Er … if you're supposed to kill me, why aren't you doing something about it?"

"Well, I'd like to know _why_ the witch wants you to take a trip to the underworld before I help you on your way." She passed the letter to him.

Odysseus raised his eyebrows. "Ah," he said. "It seems her message got lost in translation."

Shikamaru really had to hand it to Odysseus. The man was a smooth talker indeed. He'd just confronted four shinobi whose mission was to assassinate him, and he was still alive, still walking and still talking. However, he had yet to let go of the white flower and he had put the earrings in – so, he wasn't quite as confident as he made himself out to be. And the white manju bun was still perched on his shoulder, little face grave. And, oh God, he couldn't believe it, but he supposed it was inevitable, really, Shizune couldn't keep from looking at the creature with an expression that just screamed _kyaa_ hovering over her face. This mission was growing more and more troublesome, and all he wanted to do was go home.

"Look," Odysseus was saying, "what she really means is that I've got to visit the underworld to ask one of the famous seers of old for advice, and that when I come back you've got to help me on my voyage home."

"Where'd you get the bit about the seers?" Shizune asked suspiciously. "It says nothing about them in the letter."

Odysseus wagged one finger at her reprovingly. "Because that's just how the story is meant to go. Look, this is a multi-faceted myth dealing with such weighty themes as social transgression and redemption, psychological and spiritual development, and my journey to come to terms with my inner woman by finding all sorts of rare and exotic beauties and sleeping with them. The journey to the underworld is a fundamental part of the entire narratological scheme, since it symbolises death and resurrection and the return to society with new knowledge, and as such it acts as the turning point in the development of the hero's character. Furthermore, the witch is supposed to transform men into pigs, an act which is quite clearly suggestive of metempsychosis, the Pythagorean doctrine of the transmigration of souls, though, as Graves (1958:729) points out, they may simply be ghosts highlighting her death goddess attributes; nevertheless, either way she is clearly to be associated with the soul, death and, most importantly of all, rebirth. We must therefore construe this letter as indicating that the journey to the underworld is not to be taken in the literal and permanent sense, but rather as the literary motif of the archetypal spiritual enlightenment entailed by the catabasis."

There was a moment of intense silence. Then:

"Wut?" said Naruto.

xXx

Acting on reflex, Sakura slammed an elbow backwards into the midriff of the man standing behind her, only to connect with empty air. Spinning around, gathering chakra in her fists, she found herself face to face with a young man with brilliant blue eyes and long fair hair that fell over one half of his face, smiling at her in a sickeningly soppy way.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" he said, and winked. To her surprise, a large pink heart popped into existence before his eye with a squeaking sound, then came sailing towards her.

Ah right. Exactly like Lee. She ducked the heart just in time, retreated a pace. "Who the hell are you?" she asked.

"Er … I'm Apollo, god of poetry and music and general arty things … I think."

"What do you mean, you think?" She took another step back.

"Hey, look, can we just skip the introductions and get round to the bit where I screw you, yeah?"

"Hell, _no__!_" She had intended to punch him so hard he went into orbit, but somehow she found herself switching round and running away from him as fast as her legs could carry her.

"Wait up!" he yelled from behind her.

Running? She was acting completely out of character, just like she had been with all that cooing over bunnies (no, damn it, they were rodents, yes, rodents, or lagomorphs, whatever) earlier on. What was the matter with her? Come to think of it, Shikamaru and Chouji had also had moments like this, where words had _just slipped out_, as though they were acting out some script, as though – oh damn, this was not the time to think about others behaving unlike themselves, because she was out in the open meadow, running down towards the river, and Apollo was far, far closer than she had expected. He was fast – as fast as Kakashi-sensei – which meant that in a few more seconds she would be seriously, and probably literally, screwed.

Time for drastic action. Fighting against a maddeningly strong urge to call the river ahead daddy (no, no, she was a _normal_ human, not a kappa, nor Kisame), she started to form a set of seals, hands moving rapidly. Kawarimi no jutsu should do the trick: it would get her back to the forest and leave him chasing after a log.

"_Henge__!_"

Henge? What the _hell_? Why had she chosen henge when she had been thinking of kawarimi? And why had she changed herself into a – a cherry tree of all stupid things?

Apollo skidded to a stop, barking his shins on her trunk. "Oh, I recognise this," he said. "It's a _sakura_, yeah. You think I wouldn't get that one?" He lifted a hand, took hold of one of her branches, and she could have sworn that his palm _licked_ her. "Well, I guess only a deviant would make out with a tree so I'll just blow you up instead, yeah."

In an instant, she had dropped the henge and pivoted to face him. "Shannaro!" she yelled, delivering an uppercut to his chin. He went flying back several hundred feet, but twisted in mid-air and landed in a crouch, one hand braced on the ground, the other reaching into a pouch at his hip.

"Whoa!" he said. "You're pretty strong, yeah."

"I recognise you!" Sakura snarled. "You – you're the Akatsuki who went after Gaara!"

He grinned. "And you're the little girl who took out Sasori no danna." His eyes were unnaturally bright. "This should be fun, yeah."

"You're supposed to be _dead_! I saw you blow yourself up!" Sakura was shaking all over, partly from the pounding energy that coursed through her during a fight, but mostly from cold terror at being alone with this undead S-class criminal. He had taken out Gaara, _Gaara_, all by himself, and Kakashi-sensei had been forced to use Kamui to deal with him – what chance did she stand against him?

"Sorry to disappoint you," he said, waving a hand at her. To her horror, there was a grinning mouth in the middle of his palm, and – wait, had it just stuck out its _tongue_ at her?

"So," she said, swallowing. Talk, keep him talking to buy time. The others would come looking for her before long, and then she'd be able to get away. "What about you telling me that you were Apollo?"

He shrugged. "I have a letter from him asking me to fill in for him whilst he's on holiday."

She blinked. Just like Shizune. "So how did you get here?" she asked.

"I dunno. One moment I was bombing a village and the next I was sitting on top of a mountain holding my letter, yeah."

"So you don't know where this is, either?"

"Only in relation to the mountain, yeah."

She bit her lip, trying to think of some new question. Hurry up, hurry up, somebody notice that she was missing. "Er … why were you chasing me?" Pathetic, but it would have to do.

He frowned. "I dunno, actually. I just felt that I should be chasing nymphs through the woods."

"Not something you normally do?"

"I prefer blowing things up, yeah."

Oh great. She shouldn't have reminded him of that. "Well, that's odd," she babbled. Where the hell was Naruto when she needed him? No, no, that thought was wrong – Naruto of all people should keep away from this man. "You know, I've also been acting weird since arriving here, like wanting to sing with bluebirds and dance with all the bunnies."

He groaned. "Oh no, please don't tell me you've been infected by Tobi."

"Tobi? Who's that?"

"Tobi is a good boy!" said a voice from behind Sakura, and something struck the back of her head. The last thing she thought as she slumped into unconsciousness was that somebody needed to warn Naruto that Akatsuki were here.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Spot the Quote**

(1) "Hidden in the great forest of the Fire Country, swarming with ninja busy on missions, the little village of Konoha was basking happily in the warm spring sunshine. Indeed, the little village was quietly confident about its future, unaware that it was making a bad mistake, because the immediate future – for those with sharingan eyes to see it – was about to involve a space-time ninjutsu superior to any power possessed by a shinobi. It began with the sky falling."

This is adapted from the opening of Goscinny and Uderzo's _Asterix and the Mansions of the Gods_. "Hidden in the great Armorican forest swarming with juicy wild boar, the little village that we know so well is basking happily in the warm spring sunshine. Yes, the little village is quietly confident about its future … and it is making a big mistake, because the future might be _this!_"

There's also a general Asterix reference with the falling sky. Other Asterix references include big boned Chouji cosplaying well-covered Obelix, pushing the boat and delivering his adapted version of "These Romans are crazy."

(2) "Mokona is Mokona and everybody's idol" comes word for word from episode 7 of CLAMP's _Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles_. And Mokona comes from the same series. Just in case you were wondering.

(3) The red-haired captain of the ship and his trials and tribulations should be familiar to readers of Homer's _Odyssey_, and the war is obviously the Trojan War. Odysseus tells the story of his travels in Books 9-12 of the _Odyssey_. Here he briefly lists the places he's visited on the way to Circe's island – the land of the Lotus Eaters, addicted to the honey-sweet fruit of the lotus, the Laestrygonian cannibals, Polyphemus the Cyclops, and the island of Aeolus, god of the winds. Unsurprisingly, the whole chapter is riddled with references to the _Odyssey_, including the stay on Circe's island (Book 10), the men turned into pigs (Book 10), and the journey to the underworld (Book 11).

(4) "You can't trust the gods," he said gloomily. "Their idea of a fair game is snakes and ladders with greased rungs."

This is adapted from Terry Pratchett's _Wyrd Sisters_: "In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs."

(5) Some of Tobi's lines during the failed ambush of Odysseus come from _Naruto_ chh. 380 and 395. Tobi is also acting out the part of Hermes in the Odyssey, with his gift of the magical herb moly to Odysseus.

(6) "Oh, how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park." Sakura's line comes from Megara in Disney's _Hercules_, and Sakura is evidently suffering from a bad case of_morbus_ _disneius_, with her urges to sing duets with the bluebirds and make friends with all the furry forest creatures.

(7) "Because that's just how the story is meant to go." Odysseus makes friends with the Theory of Narrative Causality. Visit tvtropes to find out more.

(8) "Look, this is a multi-faceted myth dealing with such weighty themes as social transgression and redemption, psychological and spiritual development, and my journey to come to terms with my inner woman by finding all sorts of rare and exotic beauties and sleeping with them ..."

This part of Odysseus' speech comes from a memory of a poster for a course on the _Odyssey _that was pinned up in the Classics Department at my university for a while. However, said memory is hazy, and said poster is not at hand, so the quote is less than word-perfect. As for the rest of Odysseus' speech, well, it's obviously a parody of academic style.

(9) "Furthermore, the witch is supposed to transform men into pigs, an act which is quite clearly suggestive of metempsychosis, the Pythagorean doctrine of the transmigration of souls …"

Although we remember Pythagoras today for his theorem ("The square on the hypotenuse of a right triangle", etc., etc.), he was, like other Ancient Greek philosophers, far more than a mathematician and a scientist. He was also interested in metaphysics, and believed in the immortality of the soul, not just of humans, but of all living creatures. After death, an individual's soul would enter into another animal that was being born. The soul would rotate through every kind of living creature, in a cycle that took three thousand years. This was his doctrine of metempsychosis, the transmigration of the soul.

(10) "As Graves (1958:729) points out, they may simply be ghosts highlighting her death goddess attributes; nevertheless, either way she is clearly to be associated with the soul, death and, most importantly of all, rebirth."

_The Golden Bough_ is a multi-volume work by Sir James Frazer which looks at death and rebirth myths in cultures from across the world. Robert Graves, in his _Greek Myths_, takes Frazer's work very, very seriously. Whilst _The Greek Myths_ is certainly a useful and detailed mythography, the commentary and interpretation of the myths is suspect. Reading the foreword where Graves discusses the properties of hallucinogenic mushrooms is recommended.

And whilst on the subject of death and rebirth myths, the catabasis is a Greek-derived word literally meaning a "going down", from _kata_ "down" + _baino_ "I go". It's used by classicists (well, those concerned with ancient literature at least) to refer to the hero's journey to the underworld, where he gains special knowledge or powers, and then returns to the world of the living.

(11) Sakura and Deidara get to re-enact the story of Apollo and Daphne from Ovid's _Metamorphoses_. In summary: during a quarrel with Cupid about whose arrows are more powerful, Apollo is struck by one of Cupid's arrows and falls madly in love with Daphne, daughter of a river god. Daphne flees from the amorous Apollo, but when she realises she can't escape him, she calls upon her river god father to help her, and for some reason Daddy Dearest thinks that turning her into a laurel tree is the solution. Nobody ever said the Greek gods were sensible.

And a kappa, just in case you weren't clued up on your Japanese bestiary, is a water sprite. It is something of a troublemaker, and its favourite foods are small children and cucumbers. There is a bowl or hollow on the top of its head, which must always be filled with water – if the water runs out, the kappa won't be able to move until the bowl is refilled.


	2. Bento Boxes

As mentioned in the previous chapter, this is a story with unrelated one-shots interspersed between chapters with a common plot. Think of the anachronic airing of the first season of _The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya_, if you like. So, to prevent reader confusion, this is the first one-shot. It's set pre-timeskip, after the Wave Country arc but before the Chuunin Exams. Clear as mud.

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Bento Boxes

It was a grey February afternoon, cold and damp. A thin film of frost covered the ground, and there was a bite in the air that numbed hands and faces and made noses turn red and drip. It was the sort of day best spent indoors with a steaming mug of hot chocolate, but Team Seven was not so lucky. They had been assigned the mission of recapturing the daimyo's wife's cat for the umpteenth time, by special request, as they had proved to be extremely efficient at it, and today they had caught it in record time. "Practice makes purr-fect," Kakashi had said when Sasuke radioed him to confirm that they had completed their mission.

As they trudged back to the Hokage tower, the cat hanging limp in Naruto's arms, a resigned expression on its face, Kakashi observed that his genin team was unusually silent. For once, they were not bickering nor complaining nor – in the case of Naruto – bragging about the success of the mission. It was blissfully quiet, so blissfully quiet that he could not help wondering if they were sickening for something, not that any of them looked peaky.

"Cat got your tongues?" he asked presently.

"Aw, sensei," Naruto groaned, and Sasuke gave a little _hn_ sound. A moment later, Sakura echoed Naruto's protest, and Kakashi's one visible eye creased in amusement. It was unusual, though, that Sakura had taken so long to respond. He would have expected her to chime in with Naruto, or to at least make some sarcastic comment. Perhaps she really _was_ sickening for something after all.

Any worries he might have had were duly dispelled during the mission debriefing at the Hokage tower. When Naruto started to grumble about the cat, Sakura thwacked the back of his head hard enough to make him yelp and turn watering eyes on her. Evidently they had just been too cold outdoors, and all they needed was to thaw out.

He was only partly right. Although the children had been too cold to fight, Sakura had also been lost in some very important thoughts. It was February, and February meant Valentine's Day, and Valentine's Day meant chocolates for Sasuke-kun. The problem was that there were so many other girls who would give him chocolate too, like Ino-pig, and somehow, somehow, she had to make hers stand out.

It would have to be homemade, because it was for Sasuke-kun, and it would have to be the best chocolate she could make, better than the chocolate she was giving to Kakashi-sensei and Naruto. Theirs was only for politeness's sake, after all, but Sasuke-kun was the only one she wanted to be with, the only one she wanted to have acknowledge her, and his chocolate must be special.

In her mind's eye she pictured herself pouring a thick stream of hot, melted chocolate into the heart-shaped mould she had bought just for this, saw herself making an entire bento box of sweets for him, with little green tea chocolate balls and dango, and hulled strawberries dipped in chocolate, and squares of different-flavoured fudges.

Her imagination went racing on. She met him at the bench where she had once come so close to kissing him. He was standing there with his usual brooding expression, hands thrust into his pockets. "Sakura," he said, and at the way he said her name little tingles went up and down her spine. "Why did you call me here?"

"I made this for you, Sasuke-kun," she said, and held out the bento box.

For a moment he stood there, not touching it, and then he took it from her. Lifting the lid, he looked inside, and an expression of wonder crept into his eyes. "This is –" he began. "Sakura, how did you know these were my favourites?"

She smiled, blushed. "Try something," she said, and he picked out a green tea chocolate ball and bit into it. His eyes widened, and, "It tastes so good," he said, and she flushed an even deeper shade of pink. "But," he went on, fixing her with his intense gaze, "I know something that will taste even better."

Her heart was thumping wildly as he leaned towards her, lips parting for a kiss, but at this point her imagination swept a veil of bubbles and roses and sparkles between them, and she had to admit to herself that Sasuke-kun would never act that way. By the time she arrived home, she had re-imagined the gift-giving scene several times over and still not come up with a plausible scenario in which Sasuke-kun kissed her.

She gave up on it as a bad job as she sat in the kitchen, watching the cacao beans roast, her hands wrapped round a mug of hot tea. Outside, a light rain had begun to fall, pattering on the windowpanes, but in the kitchen it was warm and the oven gave off a comforting glow. She would not be able to win Sasuke-kun over in a day, just because she had given him chocolate, but – she heaved a sigh – a girl could always dream.

The cacao beans were starting to crack and pop, and she glanced at the timer. Just a few more minutes to go.

Watching the rain sliding down the windows, she sipped at her tea. It was so grey outdoors, almost as grey as the Wave Country, but without the dense muffling fog that rolled in from the sea. She shivered at the memory, and her fingers tightened on the mug, her knuckles whitening.

The timer rang, jolting her from her thoughts. Getting up from her chair, she scuffed across the kitchen in her house slippers, and opened the oven door. The warm aroma of cocoa wafted out, and she took a deep breath, filling her lungs with the smell. Oh, it was so good! There was no way Sasuke-kun could not like the chocolate she was going to make for him.

xXx

It took much longer than she had expected – cooking always did. The afternoon had worn away to evening, and she had had to help make supper before she was finished grinding the beans. Now the hands of the kitchen clock pointed at twenty minutes to eleven, and she could hardly keep from yawning as she stared at the card she was writing for Sasuke-kun. She was so tired after chasing that damn cat through the forest and her brain felt muzzy and definitely not up to the task of elegant phrasing.

Her mother looked into the kitchen. "Are you still up, Sakura?"

"I'm nearly finished," she said, stifling yet another yawn.

"Your father and I are going to bed now," her mother told her. "Don't forget to turn off the lights when you're done."

"Yes, I know."

Well, that had just driven all the ideas she'd had for the message out of her head. Inner Sakura was whining that she wanted to go to sleep, which wasn't helping either. Fine. "Happy Valentine's Day" it was. No need to write "For Sasuke-kun" nor "From Sakura", since she _was_ giving it directly to him.

As she tucked the card into the folds of the blue and white napkin that she had wrapped Sasuke-kun's bento box in, the part of her that was still functional realised that she had yet to make her own bento. Her clothes had been getting a little tight around the hips, but she had learned her lesson about skipping meals before going on a mission, and so, for the past few days she had been eating salad for lunch.

An inspection of the fridge provided her with a large block of tofu, one and a half tomatoes, the remains of a wilted lettuce and several spring onions. Not very promising, she thought, tossing the lettuce out, but she would make do.

But the tomato and tofu salad and two umeboshi onigiri made for such a plain and lonely-looking lunch that she could not help sneaking one of the little heart-shaped chocolates from Sasuke-kun's bento and adding it to her own. Just one chocolate couldn't hurt her diet.

xXx

Sakura barrelled into the kitchen, hair streaming and slippered feet sliding every which way on the floor. Her parents looked up, startled by the speed of her entry, but she had no time for more than a quick good morning as she scooped up the two cloth-wrapped bentos and the little packets of chocolate for Kakashi and Naruto, dumped them in her satchel, and sprinted out again. Slippers off, sandals on, and Hurricane Sakura banged out the front door.

Sasuke was already at the training ground by the time Sakura arrived, breathless and flustered from having run all the way there. Seeing him waiting by himself, no Naruto nor Kakashi-sensei in sight, she gave a sigh of relief. Safe! She could give Sasuke-kun his bento without anyone else around.

"Good morning, Sasuke-kun," she said as she approached him, smiling brightly.

"Hn." He gave a curt nod.

Well, _that_ was encouraging, though she had been teammates with him long enough to know by now that she could hardly expect anything more from him. Unslinging her satchel, she swung it round in front of her and rummaged inside it for his bento box. Sasuke watched her suspiciously.

Bento retrieved, Sakura held it out, hoping that he could not see the way her hands were trembling. "Um, Sasuke-kun," she began, her cheeks flushing pink. Now that she was actually giving him his chocolate, she was so very nervous, her mouth dry and her breath coming quickly. She paused, looked up at him, and felt her face grow even warmer. "I made this for you."

For a moment, he simply looked at her, his hands still in his pockets, but then he took the bento wrapped in its blue cloth from her. "Thank you," he said, and put it in his own satchel.

So that was it? Sakura felt vaguely disappointed. Was he not going to look inside? No, of course not. That only happened in her imagination. At least he had accepted it and not said she was annoying.

"Good morning, Sakura-chan!"

It was Naruto, loud as always. He bounded up to his teammates, smiling broadly, as though seeing them was the most exciting thing in the world. If only Sasuke-kun would smile like that, Sakura thought wistfully. Why couldn't Sasuke-kun be the friendly one? And of course, when she gave Naruto his chocolate – "Don't get the wrong idea, you idiot" – his eyes widened and he beamed from ear to ear as he thanked her. He was so excited that she could not help but wonder if he had ever been given chocolate before. Probably not – she certainly could not remember anyone giving him chocolate when they were in the Academy. A pang went through her as she looked at his shining face. She had thought him so annoying before – they all had – but she had been wrong, and now she felt a twinge of guilt that she had not made more of an effort for his gift.

It was well past ten o'clock when Kakashi finally arrived. "Yo!" he said. "I got lost on the path of life today."

"That's a lie!" Naruto and Sakura yelled.

He laughed, waved one hand dismissively. "There is no mission today," he said. "You have the day off."

He was gone again before they had time to say anything, and the three children stood around aimlessly. "Man, Kakashi-sensei just blew us off," Naruto muttered, before turning to Sakura, grinning hopefully. "Sakura-chan, what do you say we go on a date – ow!"

"Hell no! I told you not to get the wrong idea with that chocolate!" She glared at Naruto, huddled insensate against the trunk of the nearest tree, legs twitching spasmodically. Speaking of dates, though … She looked sidelong at Sasuke-kun and felt herself blush.

"No," he said, before she even had time to open her mouth. "I am going to train. _Alone_."

Crestfallen, she picked up her bag, and realised that she had not yet given Kakashi-sensei his gift. She would leave it outside his door or something; she was not keeping chocolate at home, not when she was on a diet.

"I'm going home," she announced to the world at large, and hurried off.

xXx

"Oh no."

Sakura's blood seemed to have frozen in her veins as she peered into her satchel, Kakashi-sensei's present in one hand. The bento box in her bag was unmistakeably the one she had made for Sasuke-kun. She could see the little card she had written peeping out from the folds of the blue and white patterned napkin. Which meant that she had given him her own lunch of tomato salad. Whatever would he think of her when he opened it? She must get it back from him at once.

Hastily setting Kakashi-sensei's chocolate down outside his door, she turned on her heel and hurried down the steps. She had to find Sasuke-kun before he opened the bento.

xXx

There was a clatter of kunai hitting their targets as Sasuke turned a half somersault in the air and landed lightly on his feet. Straightening up, he could not help but allow himself a small smile of satisfaction at the sight of the knives embedded in the targets. It had been a favourite exercise of his brother's, one that he himself had spent hours and hours practicing, and now he was catching up. If he just kept training …

His eyes strayed to the bento box that Sakura had given him that morning. If he was any judge, it was full of sweets. Perhaps he should give them to Naruto – at least the hyperactive idiot would like them. Still, he supposed he should at least inspect the contents.

As he lifted the lid from the box and looked inside, his eyes widened. Tomatoes! His favourite food! How did she ever know? He had not expected Sakura to be so perceptive, and a little warm flush went through him. Perhaps he might even eat that solitary chocolate after all.

Picking up the chopsticks, he started on his tomato salad, a small smile playing on his face. It was surprisingly good, and when he said as much to the trees, he thought he heard a faint and hastily stifled squeal of delight. Yes, he thought, he could even eat that single chocolate.

xXx

As Naruto dragged himself wearily up the stairs to his apartment that evening, dirty and tired from a day spent practicing jutsu, his eye was caught by a bento box sitting outside his door. It was neatly wrapped, and a little card was peeping through the folds of the blue and white patterned napkin.

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**Notes**

In Japan, Valentine's Day does not involve cards and roses, but rather chocolate. Women give chocolate to the men they like, though they may also give chocolate to friends and co-workers as well. These two types of chocolate gifts are called "honmei choko" (true love chocolate, the sort that Sakura makes for Sasuke) and "giri choko" (obligation chocolate, which is what Sakura gives Kakashi and Naruto). In return, a man who has received Valentine chocolate is supposed to give the woman a gift on 14 March, which is called White Day in Japan. Do Kakashi and the boys give Sakura something? You tell me.


	3. Bonds

A oneshot for Sakura's birthday. Very definitely AU. Together with Vandals and Fangirls, and The Bet it makes up a three-shot of sorts.

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Bonds

Once upon a time, there was a village called Konohagakure, where the Uchiha clan did not plan a coup d'état, and they were not massacred, where Sasuke did not lose his sanity nor Itachi his sight, where Team Seven stayed together and Shisui got a speaking part in the story – in short, it was a village where those bits of the plot that were inconvenient to the following story were ignored, as were irrelevant details, such as who was Hokage and whether Naruto's parents were still alive or not. Perhaps they were. It all depends on how the story goes.

This story begins at half past six in the evening of Monday the twenty-eighth of March. The sun had set little more than thirty minutes previously, and the last of the sunset glow was still lingering on the eastern horizon. It was a fine evening, with just a few clouds streaking the sky, and the day had been sunny and mild, perfect weather for viewing the cherry blossoms, which were now approaching full bloom.

Naruto was in his bathroom, running styling gel through his hair and humming tunelessly beneath his breath. He paused, studying his reflection in the mirror, then began to pick off the little bits of tissue stuck to the places he had cut himself whilst shaving. That done, he straightened the collar of his shirt, grinned and, with one final look in the mirror, he turned and strode out of the bathroom.

There was a small, carefully wrapped box on his dresser, and a pale pink envelope. Putting them in his jacket pocket, he turned, and a movement outside the window caught his eye. He stopped, looked carefully into the darkening evening, but there was no sign of whatever it had been – probably just a cat. With a shrug, he dismissed it and let himself out of his apartment. Still, his shinobi instincts were prickling, and as he stepped into the cool evening, he was alert and prepared for … something. Just what it was, he did not know.

No sooner had he locked the door behind him and pocketed his key, than a dark shape dropped from the rooftop onto him. He had just enough warning, whether it was the faintest of sounds or a movement more sensed than glimpsed, to flash through the seals for kagebunshin no jutsu, using the extra second that the explosion of the clone gave him as his attacker fell on top of it to shunshin out of the way. Even then, the shadowy figure was after him almost at once.

A street lamp flickered on overhead, and suddenly the two shinobi were lit by its orange glow.

"Oh crap," said Naruto.

xXx

Stretching her hand out in front of her, Sakura examined her now-pale green nails critically. "Not bad," she said. "What's this shade called again?"

"Seafoam," said Ino. "So, are you going to paint your toes?"

Sakura grinned as she rose from the table. "After tea," she said. "The kettle sounds like it's about to boil, and I want to try out that lovely glass teapot."

"You'll have plenty of time to paint your toes whilst the tea is brewing," Ino told her.

"You have a one track mind, Pig," Sakura said over her shoulder.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Ino said. "A one track mind isn't a bad thing, right, Hinata?"

"Some people might consider it so, but I admire people who persevere," said Hinata demurely.

"Very diplomatic," said Tenten with a laugh.

The kettle had just finished boiling, and Sakura poured a steaming stream of hot water into the little teapot, which she carried through to the living room. Ino had already lit the candle at the bottom of the glass stand, and was playing with the timer.

"All right!" she exclaimed and flipped the timer over. "So, it'll take three minutes to steep, and in those three minutes –"

"Yes, yes. Don't be so hasty, Pig."

"Such a spoilsport, Forehead."

"Hey, are you allowed to say things like that on my birthday?"

Ino waved her hand in airy apology. "I have your good at heart, Forehead."

Sakura raised her eyebrows.

"It's character-building."

"I'm touched."

"So glad you are." Ino began to drum her nails on the table top. "I wish your boys would get here … I'm kind of hungry, and that cake looks really good."

Sakura sighed. "I guess some of Kakashi-sensei's bad habits have rubbed off on them over time – though they might not be back from their mission yet." Her eyes flickered towards the little entrance hall.

"So," Ino said quickly, "which of Kakashi-sensei's _other_ habits have they picked up? The _Icha Icha_ series, by any chance?"

Hinata's cheeks went very pink.

Sakura laughed. "Naruto read those a while back, and said that they were really boring."

Hinata's cheeks went even pinker. "N-naruto-kun read those books?" she asked.

"Well, he spent a lot of time with Jiraiya-sama," Sakura said. "He picked up a lot of perverted habits from him. Though" – she paused, and a wicked grin danced across her face – "he's been able to put those _Icha Icha_ books to surprisingly good use."

Hinata's whole face went scarlet, and Ino and Tenten's eyes widened to the size of saucers.

"Whoa, Sakura, you mean you and Naruto –" Tenten began.

"What?" Sakura looked baffled for a split second, and then she went bright red, giving her the appearance of a tomato that had been set on fire. "No! No, get your minds out of the gutter right now! The lot of you!"

Ino smirked. "Someone is protesting too much."

"It wasn't like that, I swear!" Sakura pressed her hands to her flaming cheeks. "What really happened was –"

"Stop right there! We don't need to know the details!" Tenten said, holding up one hand.

"Oh yes, we do!" Ino said. "Come on, Sakura, spill it. Tell us how you had hot, wild, steamy –"

"He threatened Kakashi with spoilers from the books! That's all!" Sakura squealed. "Really!"

Ino sighed. "Aw. No fun at all."

Tenten and Hinata breathed a sigh of relief. "You had us fooled for a moment there," Tenten said.

"It came out badly," said Sakura. "Very badly. Anyway, Naruto only read the first chapter of the third book."

"Naruto has the attention span of a gnat. He probably was put off by the fact that there were no pictures." Ino paused. "Actually, scrap that thought. An illustrated version of _Icha Icha Violence_ would be kind of creepy."

The other girls had to agree.

The tea had finished brewing and Sakura poured it out into cups. "Here," she said, passing them around. "Kampai!"

"So, nineteen, huh?" Ino said. "Just think, this time next year we'll be toasting you with saké instead of tea."

"In that case, I'll be sure to stop by next year as well," said someone behind them, and all four kunoichi jumped to their feet. The intruder was leaning in the doorway, arms crossed, and grinning from ear to ear.

"Shisui-san!" Sakura exclaimed. "How did you get in?"

He winked, laying his finger alongside his nose. "Classified information," he said. "ANBU only. Highly confidential."

Sakura simply stared at him, her mind gone utterly, utterly blank. The others did not seem to be faring any better.

"Cute as you are, Sakura-chan, letting your jaw hang open doesn't do you any favours," Shisui told her, and her brain finally stuttered into action again.

"Uh, Shisui-san, I'm honoured by your visit, but what are you doing here?" she asked.

"Oh, yes, where are my manners?" he exclaimed. "It isn't much but I have a present for you."

He stepped aside, to show a furious Sasuke, bound and gagged, sitting on her kitchen floor amidst shards of glass, and looking daggers at Shisui.

For a moment, Sakura stared wordlessly from Sasuke to Shisui and back again, whilst Sasuke made it very clear that he was not looking at anyone but Shisui. This might have been due to anger, but the faint flush along his cheekbones strongly suggested that he also found his current predicament a little awkward.

"Er – Shisui-san?" Sakura said.

"Yes, Sakura-chan?"

"Why is Sasuke-kun sitting on my kitchen floor like that? And why is my window all over the floor and not in its frame?"

Shisui glanced down at Sasuke. "You don't like the packaging? I knew I should have wrapped him up properly, with a bow and pink sparkles, but Sasuke insisted that you were into this kinky bondage stuff."

The look Sasuke was giving Shisui suggested murder was imminent and that he was damn lucky that Sasuke was being this tolerant of his antics.

Sakura gave a sigh. For as long as she had known him, Uchiha Shisui had had a twisted sense of humour, which consisted entirely of putting the members of Team Seven into cruel and unusual situations, so that he could sit back and enjoy the resultant fireworks. "That wasn't quite what I meant," she said, in a tone that she hoped suggested she was not in the mood for his nonsense tonight. "Why is Sasuke-kun here?"

"Aahh," said Shisui, as though the brilliant light of understanding had dawned on him, and Sakura felt a vein start to throb in her temple. "It's _Sasuke_ that you don't want, no doubt because you've realised that the one and only man for you is me."

"Hell no!" Sakura shouted, and Shisui skipped lightly to one side, dodging her punch easily. That damn three tomoe sharingan. "Not after breaking into my house and smashing a window!"

"Don't worry," Shisui said, leering at her. "I understand that yelling and hitting me is just your tsundere way of hitting _on_ me."

Sakura lunged at him again, and then –

"I think not, Shisui," said Uchiha Itachi from the entrance hall. At the sound of his voice, Hinata gave a terrified squeak, and Sakura felt as though she had been dropped into a pit of ice cubes. A very deep and dark pit of glacially frigid ice cubes. If Shisui was the bane of Team Seven's life, Itachi was a nightmare incarnate. The sort of nightmare that sent you to a therapist for counselling afterwards, only to turn the therapist into a traumatised blubbering wreck as well.

Ignoring them, Itachi went coolly on. "I think that she was dissatisfied with the present and that I was correct in suggesting that we take him back to my parents with a receipt and demand a refund. After all" – he paused and glanced at his younger brother, now puce in the face and giving Itachi a glare saturated with killer intent – "he is a foolish little shinobi, who lacks the ability to free himself from these ropes."

"True," said Shisui thoughtfully, looking down at Sasuke. "I thought that they taught nawanuke no jutsu in the Academy."

Sakura decided to tactfully ignore Sasuke and his unsuccessful attempts to execute a D-rank jutsu, and turned instead to his older brother. "U-um, Itachi-san," she said, "m-might I ask what you are doing here?"

"You're so much politer to him," Shisui complained, and Itachi gave the smallest of smirks. Inner Sakura noted that the very scary Uchiha Itachi was also extremely hot when smirking, and started on a catalogue of all the things that made him sex on legs, a train of thought that Sakura hurriedly quashed before it led to nasal haemorrhage and syncope.

"I believe it happens to be your birthday today, so I have brought you a present," he said, and dumped Naruto on the floor before her – tied up in pink ribbon and covered in glitter. "Happy birthday, Sakura."

"Th-thank you, Itachi-san," she said.

"What, you like his present better than mine?" Shisui asked. "Sasuke, you are a disgrace to the Uchiha."

Sasuke made a strangled noise that might have been a threat of slow and painful death, though it was hard to tell through the gag. Naruto was uncharacteristically quiet, but, Sakura reflected, this might have been due to the fact that his manly pride had been wounded by the ribbon and the glitter, so that for once in his life he was determined to not draw attention his way. It might also have had something to do with the proximity of Itachi.

Team Seven had been in terror of Itachi since their genin days, partly because of his reputation as one of the best ninja Konoha had ever produced, and partly because Sasuke had been in terror of him since he was eight years old, when Itachi had decided that his little brother needed to improve his shinobi skills and taken to ambushing him on his way to and from the Academy, booby-trapping his room, and practicing high-level genjutsu on him, all with the approval of their father, who believed in the Uchiha tradition of healthy sibling rivalry. Several times, Sasuke had tried complaining to their mother, but Itachi had made absolutely certain to hide all evidence of his handiwork from her, and when she confronted him, denied all knowledge of it.

"He lies like a shinobi," Fugaku had said proudly, when Mikoto had words with him on the matter. "As expected of my son."

Mikoto had had to concede he had a point.

So it was inevitable, when Sasuke made genin and brought his teammates to his home to introduce to his family, that Naruto had blundered into one of Itachi's more devilish traps. The subsequent series of explosions and shower of kunai had made an indelible mark on the new genin, and seven years later Naruto and Sakura still viewed Itachi with a sort of fascinated fear, whilst Sasuke made it quite plain that he considered his older brother to be a psychopathic case who should have been committed to the asylum many years ago.

Consequently, it was unsurprising that Naruto was doing his best not to attract any more of Itachi's attention than he already had. The proximity of Itachi was also having an effect on Sakura, shutting down most of her higher mental faculties out of long-ingrained fear, so that she was operating on autopilot, and currently it seemed that her autopilot was set to gracious hostess. "Would you like some tea and cake?" she heard herself asking, whilst Inner Sakura, no longer fangirling Itachi, screamed that this was a bad idea and that she should be booting them out of the house on the grounds of breaking and entering.

"I wouldn't want to impose," said Itachi, and Sakura breathed an inward sigh of relief.

"Wouldn't mind if I do," said Shisui, strolling into the living room, and Inner Sakura started screaming at her again, whilst her autopilot told Itachi that he would not be an imposition. The other girls made room for Shisui at the table, Tenten and Ino both looking vaguely stunned, though Hinata, now that the first shock was passed, had regained her composure and was pouring tea for the two surprise visitors. "That cake looks really good."

"I hope you don't mind if I – er – unwrap my presents now?" Sakura asked.

"Go ahead, go ahead," said Shisui, waving one hand. "Come on, Itachi, plenty of space at the table."

Since Sasuke was still working on freeing himself, Sakura felt that he would look less than kindly on any form of assistance, and undid the ribbon from Naruto first. As the pink bow dropped away from him, he turned large and tearful eyes on her. "Why did you invite them in, Sakura-chan?" he whimpered piteously.

"I heard that," said Shisui cheerfully, and Naruto went rigid. As Sakura got up and went across to the kitchen to see how Sasuke was getting on, he leapt up and followed her, hands clasped behind his head.

"So, Sakura-chan," he said in a tone that suggested that being tied up with bows and delivered as birthday presents happened to shinobi on a regular basis, "how's your day been? Oh, hey, Hinata, Ino, Tenten."

"Come join us, Naruto," said Shisui, grinning devilishly. "There's space between Itachi and me."

Naruto blanched. "I – er – I have to see that Sasuke's ok," he said.

"Aw, how sweet," said Shisui. "You know, Itachi, I think your brother has a fanboy."

"I'm not a fanboy!" Naruto yelped, whilst Ino and Tenten tittered behind their hands. "_Definitely_ not a fanboy!"

Itachi gave Naruto a long, speculative look over the top of his steaming mug of tea. "Naruto-kun," he said at length, "what are your intentions towards my brother? How serious is your commitment to him?"

Naruto stared at him, bafflement written large and clear on his face. "I trust him with my life," he said, and the three girls seated at the table exchanged a glance.

"So, who's the uke and who's the seme?" whispered Ino gleefully to the other two, and Tenten snickered. Hinata looked perplexed.

"Go on, Naruto-kun," said Itachi, and Naruto, still confused, complied.

"He's more than a friend to me. He's like a –"

The rest of his response was drowned out by Shisui's whoop of laughter and Sasuke's panicked "Shut up, you moron!" shouted through from the kitchen. At the same time, Hinata leaned over to Ino and whispered something to her, and Ino cackled gleefully, causing Hinata to blush. Alarm bells began to clang in Naruto's brain, and the look that Ino sent him made his blood run cold. And then she started to speak:

"An uke, Hinata, is a guy who –"

"I am not an uke!" Naruto protested, waving his arms so vigorously that a cloud of pink glitter rose from his clothes.

Shisui nearly choked on his forkful of cake, and had to be pounded on the back by Itachi, whilst he spluttered and mopped at his streaming eyes and gave desperate heaving gasps of laughter. It sounded rather as though he were having a fit, and the fact that he had sprayed crumbs all down the front of Itachi's shirt did not help matters.

Brushing himself off, Itachi rose to his feet. "Come on, Shisui," he said. "I think it is time for us to go. Naruto-kun should be allowed to deal with his sexual identity crisis in private."

"I'm not having a crisis!" Naruto howled, more glitter rising into the air around him.

"Pink glitter suits you nicely, Naruto-kun," Itachi observed as Sakura and Sasuke emerged from the kitchen. "Good evening, Sakura. I hope you enjoy the rest of your birthday."

Shisui was still coughing violently, and had to settle for waving a meek good bye instead of his usual seductive leer. And since Naruto, despite his protests to the contrary, was evidently having a crisis of sorts, Ino, Hinata and Tenten took their leave as well.

"Tell me all about it tomorrow," Ino whispered in Sakura's ear as they hugged.

"You are a dreadful gossip, Pig," said Sakura. "Thank you for the teapot. It's lovely."

In a remarkably short space of time, the only people left in the house were the members of Team Seven, Sasuke still glowering and refusing to meet Sakura's eyes, Naruto releasing clouds of glitter into the air as he vehemently denied being an uke.

"Oh, shut up, stupid," said Sakura. "And, Sasuke-kun, you can stop sulking now. Really, you two are such big babies at times." She knelt at the table and picked up the knife. "Cake, either of you?"

Sasuke gave the cake a baleful glance, as though it had been the root of all his evening's woes, but before he could say anything about his dislike of sweets, Naruto bounded over, scattering glitter in his wake. "Cake!" he exclaimed gleefully, dragging Sasuke to the table with him, and then pulled up short. "One moment, Sakura-chan," he said, and began to slap his pockets, looking for something. When his hand went into his jacket pocket, his face lit up quite suddenly with one of his brilliant smiles, and then abruptly fell. "Damn," he said.

"What is it?" Sakura asked, sliding a slice of cake onto a plate and pushing it towards him.

He withdrew a small, flattened object from his pocket. "Your birthday present from both of us – but I think it broke in the fight with Itachi," he said, holding it uncertainly. He glanced at Sasuke, who gave a small, helpless shrug, and then looked back at Sakura. "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan."

For a moment, the three of them knelt there, Naruto and Sasuke shifting uncomfortably, and then Sakura leaned forward and wrapped her arms around both of the boys. She felt them tense up at her touch, and, because they had broken her present and she ought to get some recompense, she kissed both of them on the cheek. "I don't mind," she said, drawing back and looking at her teammates' flushed faces. "I was given you two instead, wasn't I? I think you're the best birthday presents I could ever have."

The look Naruto and Sasuke both turned on her was extremely hopeful. "So," Sasuke asked, his eyes glazed and slightly unfocused, "do you want to continue unwrapping us?"

And so the story ends at twenty-five minutes to nine in the evening of Monday the twenty-eighth of March, with a door swinging open, a rectangle of light falling onto the pavement outside, two boys being booted out, one after the other, and the door slamming shut again.

"You dumbass, Sasuke. That has to be the world's worst pick-up line."

"It's in _Icha Icha Paradise_."

"_That_ is all the more reason to avoid using it."

"Hn."

"… How long have you been reading those books for?"

" …"

"Sasuke, you actually have hormones? Actual, _male_ hormones?"

"Yes, I do, unlike you, with your sexual identity crisis."

"I'm not gay!"

"It pains me deeply to say this, Naruto, but my brother is never wrong."

"That's not what you normally say."

A moment of silence. Then:

"It also would mean that you're the uke."

And just before things turn nasty, the door swings open again, framing Sakura, with arms akimbo, in the wash of light falling through it.

"Sasuke-kun, Naruto, thanks to your methods of delivery, my kitchen window is in pieces on the floor. Mend it."

And so the story actually ends at twenty-one minutes to nine in the evening of Monday the twenty-eighth of March, with Sasuke and Naruto being dragged protesting back indoors by their ears, and the door slamming shut behind them.

"And no more bad lines about unwrapping presents!"

"It's from one of Jiraiya's books!"

"You _read_ those things?"

"I do have male hormones, you know."

"Despite being the uke."

"You're one to speak, Mr Sexual Identity Crisis."

"If you call me that one more – owww!"

"Both of you, shut up and sweep!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Notes**

In Japan, one becomes an adult at twenty, hence Ino's reference to toasting Sakura with saké at her next birthday. Also, it is considered polite for guests to refuse invitations for dinner several times, as Itachi does, since they do not wish to appear to be imposing upon their host.

Nawanuke no jutsu, by the by, is the technique for untying ropes, used by Sasuke wa-a-ay back at the start of the series, and since forgotten by every other bound ninja we have seen. Including Sasuke himself.


	4. Chapter Two: Falling Action

Back to the plot at last. And yes, I took liberties with the Underworld, but it was all for the sake of atmosphere.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chapter Two

Falling Action

Naruto had long since given up trying to follow what Odysseus was saying. As far as he was concerned, the man was just using unnecessarily long and complicated words to say that they didn't need to kill him after all. Really, he should have seen that they had got the point ages ago, because if they wanted him dead, he would be dead by now. Sure, his kagebunshin had been thrown into a tree, but it had only been a diversion to keep the man from seeing Shikamaru's shadow attack from the ground.

He sighed as they walked slowly back through the forest to the house, hands clasped behind his head. Would Odysseus never shut up?

"You look troubled, Naruto." It was Sai. "A book I read told me that people who are troubled sigh a lot. It also said that a friend should –"

"Aargh, not with this again!" Naruto yelled, jumping back. The other three swung round to look at them. "You keep your creepy perverted hands off me – I don't swing that way! Not at all!"

Sai shook his head. "Wait! I didn't mean it like that!" He took a step towards Naruto, who sprang away.

"Don't come any closer!"

"Naruto –"

"What sort of books are you reading anyway? The slash spinoff of _Icha Icha_?"

"Troublesome," Shikamaru sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Will the two of you cut it out?" Shizune snapped.

"As long as he stops touching me! It's dangerous hanging out with him!"

"Shizune-san! Naruto!" Ino dropped from a branch overhead, eyes dilated, voice taut with worry. "Sakura's disappeared!"

Naruto instantly forgot all about Sai. "Sakura-chan? Where? How?"

"We don't know. She went for a walk a while ago, and hasn't come back. We've looked for her – Hinata used her byakugan and everything – but we can't find her."

Shizune looked grim. "Quick, let's get back to the house. Maybe Tonton can pick up her scent."

A quick hot rage was building inside Naruto. It was the Akatsuki member who had given Odysseus the white flower, of that he was certain. They should have hurried back to the house then, should have warned Chouji and the girls, and then Sakura-chan would never have vanished.

"I'll take the fight to them," he vowed silently, hands clenching into fists. "I'll take the fight to them and save Sakura-chan myself."

Tonton tracked Sakura all the way to the river, but there the trail ended, and though the pig cast up and down the meadow, and even crossed the river, it could not be picked up again. Hinata scoured the area with her byakugan, but to no avail. Ino was nearly in tears, but Naruto was growing angrier by the second, his pupils narrowing to slits, the whisker-like markings on his cheeks thickening, growing more pronounced. The other shinobi gave him a wide berth.

"It's no good," Shizune said at last. "She seems to have simply melted into thin air."

"There must be something," Naruto said harshly.

"There isn't. The trail ends here."

His eyes snapped red and his hair started to ripple in a breeze no-one else felt. "There _must_ be something," he growled.

"N-naruto-kun?" Hinata took a step towards him, hands clasped at her chest. He glanced over at her, the force of his gaze hitting her almost like a physical blow, and for a moment she thought she had lost her voice. She swallowed, tried again. "N-naruto-kun, I'm sure it will be all right. We'll find Sakura."

He looked at her, then away again. "Thanks, Hinata," he said, and the red faded from his eyes.

Odysseus cleared his throat. "I have a suggestion," he said. "Why don't you come down to the underworld with me, Naruto? You'll be able to ask the seers where Sakura is then."

"He's not going alone," said Shizune. "Hinata, Sai-kun and I will go with him as well."

"I'm coming too!" said Ino. "Sakura is my best friend – I won't let her just vanish."

Shizune shook her head. "I want you to stay with Shikamaru and Chouji and Tonton and keep scouring the area. You can use your shintenshin on birds to search for Sakura, and you have some medical experience – if you find her and she's unconscious and injured, you'll be able to heal her."

Ino bit her lip, looking doubtful.

"She's right, Ino," said Shikamaru. "This way works better."

Mokona hopped from Odysseus' shoulder to Ino's, cuddling into her neck. "Mokona can see that Ino is sad! Mokona will help Ino!" The little creature reached up and kissed Ino on the cheek, and she gave a shaky smile. Sai was watching them intently.

"Ok," she said. "I'll do my best."

"All right," said Shizune briskly. "Now that that's settled, which way is the underworld?"

"I thought you knew that," said Odysseus.

"I don't! I'm not the witch! I don't come from here!"

Wordlessly, Sai pulled out a scroll and brushes from his backpack and started painting. A moment later, a dozen or more ink birds flapped out of the paper and into the air. "They'll find it for us," he said.

Within a matter of minutes, the birds had returned. "It's that way," said Sai, pointing off to his left.

"Thanks, Sai! You're the man!" Naruto exclaimed, clenching one fist and punching the air. "All right then. Let's move out!"

As his team moved off, following the flight of the birds, Sai hesitated, looking between them and Ino. Then, drawing a deep breath, he walked over to the girl and said, "Don't worry, Beautiful," and kissed her on the cheek, just like Mokona had. Before she had time to respond, he took off after Naruto, leaving her blushing, a hand raised to the spot where he had kissed her.

"Wow," said Chouji. "I think he likes you."

xXx

The mouth of the underworld was in a gloomy grove of black poplars, hung with dense blankets of old man's beard and pale lichens. The grove seemed to have its own highly localised microclimate, since directly above it were stacked grey clouds, and a fine mist hung amongst the trees, despite the fact that just a few feet away a hot sun was shining out of a clear sky. In the centre of the dank grove was a chasm from which a poisonous stench wafted.

"I presume that's the way down," said Odysseus, nose pinched between forefinger and thumb.

Byakugan active, Hinata nodded. "I – I think it is, too."

"Only – how do we get down?"

"We climb," said Shizune.

It was a slow descent, the five of them inching carefully down the rock face, testing each foothold before they trusted to it. The shinobi were using their chakra for extra grip, but Odysseus had no such advantage, and they had to keep on stopping to wait for him. Nevertheless, he kept on, dogged and uncomplaining. Stones crunched and slithered underfoot, went skipping down the wall, falling away, away, away into the darkness beneath. Before long, they gave up waiting to hear them strike the bottom.

The foul reek grew stronger and stronger the deeper they went, the fumes making them light-headed and almost dizzy. Once, Hinata missed her grip on the rocks and slipped backwards. As she started to fall, a hand shot out and caught her by the wrist.

"Gotcha, Hinata." It was Naruto.

Heart pounding, face burning, she managed to squeak out her thanks and steady herself against the cliff face again. Far above them, the chasm opening was a pale crack in the deep darkness all around.

They seemed to have been climbing forever when a dark rushing sound came to their ears. Water – a river. They must be nearly at the bottom. It was disconcerting to hear the roar of the river without being able to see it, but presently they found that they were climbing through a dim glow that grew stronger and stronger, a weird grey halflight that rose from below.

"It's coming from the river," Naruto said, twisting to look over his shoulder at the water below. "And so is the smell."

He was right. The river was giving off a sickly dull light, which flickered fitfully, like a guttering candle. Coils of stinking vapour rose from the surface of the water, drifted up the cliff.

"The Styx," said Odysseus quietly. He was ashen as a corpse in the weird twilight. "The river of the Underworld. The halls of Hades are on the far shore."

They scrambled down the last few feet, coughing and choking on the fumes, which were far stronger now. Hinata looked pale and clammy, as though she might faint at any minute.

Whilst the others stood panting, Naruto strode down to the water's edge, focussing his chakra in his feet. As he started to step onto the flickering surface, Odysseus shouted. "Stop! You can't touch the water – it's deadly!"

Naruto checked, one foot poised above the river. "It's all right," he said. "I'm not going to touch it." And he walked out across the water.

"Er … how do you do that?" Odysseus asked weakly.

"Too long to explain, and you can't do it," said Shizune. "Sai-kun, a bird for Odysseus."

"I think we'll all need birds," said Hinata. "Our chakra is moving erratically, especially N-naruto-kun's."

"There must be poison in the water and the vapour," said Shizune. "Naruto-kun! Come back!"

A third of the way across the river by now, he simply grinned and waved at them. "Hurry up and come, 'ttebayo!" The next moment, his chakra cut off completely and he dropped into the water like a stone.

"Naruto-kun!" Shizune screamed.

Two large birds burst out of Sai's scroll. In an instant, the four standing on the bank had sprung onto the ink backs of the birds, which then sped out across the water, flying just above the thickest layer of vapour. Reaching the spot where Naruto had gone under, they started to circle, their passengers scanning the river desperately.

"Can you see him with your byakugan?" Shizune called to Hinata.

"No!"

"Where _is_ he? We have to get him out of there before he drowns."

"I'm afraid it's too late," Odysseus said. "The water is fatal – it means instant death to anyone who touches it."

"Naruto-kun isn't dead," said Shizune, more forcefully than she had intended to. "Tsunade-sama believes in him. He won't die, not until he becomes Hokage."

"That's all very well and good," said Odysseus, "but, really, this water kills everyone."

"Hurry up!" called a voice from the far bank. It was Naruto, bedraggled and dripping, but otherwise unscathed. "I can't just hang around and wait whilst Sakura-chan needs rescuing!"

If Shikamaru had been there, he would have observed once again what a cool customer Odysseus was. He did not gape at Naruto for even one moment, though the muscles of his face worked very hard to retain his usual look of suave aplomb. "I say," he said.

"So, what comes next in the Underworld?" Shizune asked as they alighted on the further shore of the Styx. "Any more deadly perils?"

"Just a three-headed dog with poisonous saliva," said Odysseus, watching Naruto with a curious expression. If someone had been looking at him, they might have seen a pattern of ripples in his eyes, but it might also have been a trick of the light. "Not that it should worry that boy."

"Where to now?" Naruto demanded.

As if in answer, there was an ominous low rumbling, like the sound of a slab of concrete being dragged across a rough surface, and then magnified and deepened a thousand times so that it reverberated in the very rock beneath their feet.

"Ok, cool, that way," said Naruto, and set off in the direction of the growl.

The grey light from the river faded as they headed deeper into the Underworld, and then winked out altogether as they rounded a bluff that thrust up towards the surface, so that for a few seconds Hinata, with her byakugan, was the only one who could see. As soon as their eyes had readjusted to the dark, the little group continued on their way, treading carefully. The only sound besides the dry slither of dust under their feet and the whispering of their breath came from the intermittent growls somewhere ahead.

Naruto was a little way in front of the rest of them, striding fast, and so when the path took a twist around another rocky outcrop he disappeared from the others' sight for a moment. The next instant, there came a sudden roaring snarl and the sound of a bellowing bark, deafening, shaking the earth and the steep bluff. A shower of pebbles and stones and small rocks came bounding down from above, dislodged by the massive din. Throwing her arms over her head, Shizune ran forward, the other three following hard on her heels. "Naruto-kun!"

There, on the far side of the bluff, was Cerberus, the Hellhound of Hades, a great raging dog-shape silhouetted against a bleak glare that rose from the depths behind him. Blinded by the harsh light, Shizune skidded to a stop, screwing up her eyes in pain. Even so, she could tell that there was something wrong with the beast.

As Odysseus halted beside her, she reached out and clasped his forearm. "I thought you said the dog had three heads," she said.

"Yes, he does."

"Well, why's this one only got two?"

"Perhaps your young friend who cannot be drowned or poisoned had something to do with it?"

"Then _he_ ought to be standing up and _it_ ought to be spurting blood everywhere from the severed – hold on! Hinata, get back here! You can't simply attack it head-on."

Dwarfed by the slavering hellhound, Hinata stopped mere feet from it, and as it lunged at her, she raised one hand and smacked it on the nose. "Bad boy, Kiba-kun! Down!"

The enormous two-headed dog yelped and then vanished in a cloud of smoke, which thinned and parted to show Akamaru and Kiba sitting side by side, Akamaru whimpering and grinning ingratiatingly, whilst Kiba rubbed his nose.

"Damn it, Hinata, you didn't have to hit so hard. Look at my nose – it's all red."

"Damn it, Kiba, you didn't have to hit _me_ so hard," grumbled Naruto, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck.

"I couldn't help it – it was just something I felt I had to do," Kiba said.

"So – er – I take it you aren't actually Cerberus," said Odysseus weakly, "but another of these ninja?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I was just taking Akamaru for a walk in the forest when I suddenly found myself here instead, and there was this note –"

"And we can imagine the rest," said Shizune briskly. "All right. Where to from here?"

Odysseus looked around thoughtfully. "Straight ahead?"

The last part of the descent into the underworld was remarkably easy, just a broad track that zigzagged back and forth down a steep slope to fields of luminous asphodel that spread as far as the eye could see. Moving amongst the flowers were thousands upon thousands of human shapes, but they were pale, thin as mist, and the grass and flowers did not stir at their passing.

"What are they?" Kiba asked.

"The shades of the dead," said Odysseus, and now his voice was filled with awe. "There – that is Heracles, and over there is Leda, and – oh, Zeus have pity – that is my mother!" For the first time since they had met him he visibly struggled for composure, finally bringing a hand to his face, tears winking between his fingers, and the shinobi stood about awkwardly. After a while, he swallowed, wiped his eyes on the back of his arm and, taking the handkerchief Shizune offered, blew his nose.

"Right," he said. "We need to find the seer Tiresias, and the easiest way to do that is to offer the shades a blood sacrifice. It ought to be a black ram, but that dog will do nicely."

The big white dog bristled, growling ominously, and Kiba stepped in front of him. "Nobody touches Akamaru," he said angrily.

"We need blood for the shades to drink," Odysseus said reasonably, "and none of us brought any animals down to kill."

"That's because you didn't tell us we would need to!" Naruto flared. "Besides, if I'd known that was what you had in mind, I would never have agreed to come down here to look for Sakura-chan! She wouldn't want us to kill any animals to find her!"

"It doesn't stop us needing blood," said Odysseus. "The shades are attracted to spilled blood, and we can make them answer our questions in return for a drink of blood."

"You want blood? Just blood?" There was a glint in Naruto's eye as he drew out a kunai, and Odysseus set one hand on his dagger hilt. "Then how's this?"

The kunai blade flashed in the weird bright light of the asphodel field, and even as Shizune jumped forward to interpose herself between Naruto and Odysseus, there was a spray of blood, so very red, red as holly berries, red as fox fur, and a soft pattering as it fell in fat droplets on the dust and flowers. In the fields below, there was a sighing, and then shade after shade turned and streamed towards the small group, towards Naruto, with the kunai thrust deep into his hand.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"He said we needed blood, so …" Naruto shrugged, then swung to face the oncoming ghosts. "All right," he said. "You can stop right there. Which of you is Tiresias?"

Silence. The pale tide swayed, trembled, stared longingly at the steady trickle of blood seeping down the boy's hand.

"I said, which one of you is Tiresias? I want to speak to Tiresias the seer!"

"I am Tiresias," came a voice, dry as ashes, and in the sea of shades a path opened for a grey and nebulous man leaning on a staff that might have been gold, had it not been leached of all colour by the asphodel light. Slowly, he came forward, tapping the ground before him. "Speak to me again, boy, that I may know where you are."

"Are you blind?"

"Yes, of course I'm blind," snapped the shade irritably. "Do you think I go through this whole song and dance routine because I can see?"

"How did you lose your sight?"

"Because I gave someone the wrong answer once. The unfair part is that it was a trick question, and neither answer was right."

"Wow," said Naruto. "Was it Ibiki who set the question?"

"Did you come all the way down here just to ask me silly questions about my eyesight? Boy, you should invest in a good mythological dictionary – it'll save you having to make this trip, and you won't have to invest so much money in black rams."

"Actually, I came down here to ask you where Sakura-chan is."

"Sakura-chan? Who's that?"

Naruto frowned. "I thought you were supposed to be this all-knowing seer."

"Can't answer those sorts of questions without drinking first. Where's that sheep?" Tiresias started to tap the ground around his feet with his staff.

"Er, there isn't one," said Naruto, holding out his hand, "but there is this."

Tiresias stretched an arm gingerly towards Naruto, and then his fingers closed on the young shinobi's wrist. "You?" he said, incredulous. "You are the blood I smell?"

"Yeah, it's me. Now hurry up and drink, so that you can tell me where Sakura-chan is."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" muttered Odysseus in his ear. "He may drain you dry, and then you'll be dead."

"Heh, I won't die until I become Hokage," said Naruto. "And I won't give up. I won't go back on my word. That's my way of the ninja! Drink up, old man!"

Tiresias hesitated a moment, and then, quick as a striking snake, his head shot out and down, mouth fastening on the open wound in Naruto's hand. As he drank, he seemed to grow more solid, more substantial, and colour flowed into his cheeks and skin, while Naruto's face took on a grey tinge. At last, the old man lifted his head, mouth and beard smeared with blood, and looked directly at Naruto with his milky eyes.

"Ahhhh," he said slowly. "You are not from here at all, and neither is your Sakura-chan."

"Do you know where she is?" Naruto asked faintly. Sweat was beading on his brow, and his lips looked blue.

"Far away, far, far away."

"Yes, but where?"

The seer paused, unseeing gaze slipping sideways. "Beyond the land of the living."

Naruto's patience was visibly wearing thin, his pupils sharpening to slits. "Just tell me where the hell Sakura-chan is, and make it simple, old man!" His breath was coming in quick uneven pants.

"Make it simple, eh? Everybody expects their oracles to be dressed up in cryptic words and pretty verse. You're an interesting boy, even if you are hasty." He paused, licked his lips. "Ah, I'll make it simple for you: she is in the home of the immortal gods." Tiresias cackled. "You've got a hell of a journey to get her back, sonny."

"I'll save her," said Naruto, grinning. "Don't you worry about that. I'll definitely save Sakura-chan."

Tiresias turned back to him. "You have determination, I'll give you that, but you may find the gods harder to cross than you think. Do you have any more questions?"

"Er, yes, I do," said Odysseus hurriedly. "How do I get home?"

xXx

"Well, it sounds like it was a success," said Shikamaru, once they had all returned to the witch's house. "We know where Sakura is at least, but why she's there …"

Odysseus coughed discreetly, and they turned to look at him. "Our gods are quite an … interesting … lot," he said. "Not only can they be rather vindictive, but they're also a little, ah, randy, to put it politely."

"What's putting it bluntly, then?" asked Ino, intrigued. Mokona cuddled into her shoulder.

"They shag anything on two legs, or even four, without regard for gender or species, when the mood takes them, which is most of the time. You ever heard of the god Priapus, with, er, an erection so big he can't move? That's one of ours."

"Whoa!" Naruto bolted to his feet, eyes bulging. "Are you telling me that Sakura has been carried off by an immortal Ero-sennin? No way, no way, no way! Now I _really_ have to save her!" He staggered slightly, and Ino pulled him down.

"Don't be such a moron," she said, shooting Shizune a quick look of concern. _Isn't there anything you can do for him?_

Shizune shrugged helplessly. She had staunched the bleeding and healed the cut in his hand, and even given him a blood replenishment pill, but he was still pale and cold to the touch, unsteady on his feet. He would probably improve with time – Tiresias had drunk a great deal, and the blood loss was bound to make him dizzy and faint.

"So what's the plan of action?" Kiba asked. "How do we break in, get Sakura and get out again without alerting one of the gods and getting raped ourselves?"

"If I may point something out?" Odysseus ventured diffidently. "It has occurred to me that this is the time of year that the gods go on holiday to East Africa, you know, take the safari package, see the Big Five, plant fossils in the Afar Rift for future palaeontologists to find, attend a couple of dozen barbecues where the men burn the meat and everyone has to eat cold potato salad instead, but nobody minds because they've all drunk too much beer, oh, and probably discriminate against the locals and encourage genocide, chaos and piracy, because that's just what our gods do." He paused, cleared his throat. "Anyway, this whole holiday deal would explain all the notes you've been getting. So it is possible that the gods aren't on Olympus, but that some stand-ins like yourselves are."

Shikamaru nodded. "Yes, I was thinking that myself."

"So all you need, then, is to know how to get there."

"Yeah," said Kiba. "So, can you help us out there?"

Odysseus looked shamefaced, running a hand through his red hair. "Afraid not, because I don't know exactly where we are, and all Tiresias would tell me is that I would get home, but it might be early or it might be late."

"Actually," said Chouji, "we found _this_ in the witch's house whilst you were gone." He waved a piece of paper at them. "It's a map, with directions for Odysseus. See – we're here, and you've got to follow this route past the Sirens – she says to block your men's ears against the terrible noise they make, a sort of _wee-wah_,_ wee-wah_, _wee-wah_, because if you don't they'll be too busy stuffing their fingers into their ears to row and then you'll be wrecked on the rocks that the Sirens are meant to warn you about –"

"Does it show us where Olympus is?" Shizune asked.

"Nope. But we did find this atlas of the Greek world."

"Why didn't you say so earlier?" Kiba exclaimed. "Give that here!"

"Hey, lemme see too, 'ttebayo!"

"Mokona wants to look as well!"

A short scuffle and an argument later, the shinobi had worked out their route to Olympus, but when one of them addressed a question to Odysseus, there was no answer. Unnoticed by all of them, he had slipped quietly away, leaving a pair of dark metal earrings behind.

Disturbing, thought Shikamaru. That was Kakashi-level sneakiness, and it convinced him that there was more to this Odysseus fellow than met the eye.

xXx

Everything was dark, but there were voices suspended in the blackness surrounding her. They were arguing, or at least one of them was shouting, and the other was apologising. It sounded, Sakura thought blearily, rather like kicking a puppy.

"We are an evil criminal organisation, you idiot. We do not make daisy chains for helpless unconscious kunoichi, nor do we tuck them in with teddies, yeah!"

"But I thought it would be nice –"

"Nice is not the point! Repeat after me, Tobi, we are an evil criminal organisation!"

"We are an evil criminal organisation, Deidara-sempai."

"I know that, Tobi. No need to tell me."

Silence. Then:

"Deidara-sempai?"

"What _now_?"

"What do I do with the daisy chains?"

"Get rid of them. I don't care how."

There was the sound of footsteps, and for a moment she panicked, because someone from Akatsuki was coming up to her and she was just lying there, wherever the hell there was, and now the feet had stopped and she could hear him bending down and oh my God what should she do? At which point her shinobi reflexes took over, and as hands touched her temples, her eyes flew open and she punched the man as hard as she could in the face.

"Whoa!" He caught her fist on one arm, without so much as flinching, but before she had time to even feel astonishment he scuttled away from her. "Deidara-sempai! She's scary!"

Sakura threw back the blanket and the teddy bear (where the _hell_ had that come from?) and scrambled to her feet, concentrating chakra in her legs and fists. So, she was in a small, windowless room, with only the bed for furniture. Not much she could use to her advantage there.

"I told you, Tobi, this little girl took out Sasori no danna, yeah."

Yes, there he was, the undead madman, standing in the doorway, his hands thrust into the pouches at his hips, his one visible eye glittering. His new partner had ducked behind him, so that all Sakura could see was his orange mask peeking round the doorframe.

"What're you gonna do now, sempai?"

Whatever he had intended to do, Sakura did not find out, as she punched the mosaic floor, fissures opening up, tearing the tiles apart, rushing towards the two freaks in the doorway, then whirled and kicked the wall behind her. It collapsed, and she made her escape through the dust and falling rubble. The only problem was that there was nothing for her to land on on this side of the wall. No, correct that. She could always land on the ground, but it was currently several thousand feet below her, though the distance was rapidly shrinking.

And then something large and white came swooping through the air – it looked like a horse, but no damn horse would be found this high up, nor would it have wings – and caught her on its back. Gasping, she fell forward, clutching at fistfuls of coarse blue hair, and the flying horse turned its head and tweeted at her.

Right. This had to be some crazy genjutsu.

"_Kai_!"

Ok, maybe it wasn't a genjutsu after all. And maybe with a flying horse she'd be able to get back to Naruto and warn him about the Akatsuki.

From high above, falling out of the clouds, came a long trilling whistle, and the horse squawked happily. With a stroke of its massive white wings, it surged upwards, and Sakura felt a moment's delight at the sheer power and speed of its flight.

"Here, Pegasus! Pegasus is a good boy!"

Her heart sank. Right, scotch the plan about flying a crazy white bird-horse back to Naruto and the others. Back to the equally unrealistic Plan A: beat the living daylights out of two Akatsuki members by herself. She wouldn't mind punching Deidara in the mouth, just to get rid of that infuriatingly smug grin he was wearing as he watched her and the horse come swooping back to Tobi.

No sooner had Pegasus' hooves struck the ground than Tobi had dragged Sakura from the idiot horse's back. "Here she is, sempai! We didn't even have to blow her up!"

Deidara looked a little disappointed at that. "Yeah, well, take her inside again to wait for Leader-sama."

"But I must put Pegasus away!" protested Tobi.

Sakura tried to take advantage of his momentary distraction by kicking him as hard as she could in the shins, but he did not seem to feel it. Or maybe he did, because his grip on her tightened uncomfortably.

"Fine – give the girl to me and _I'll_ take her inside while you put Pegasus away, yeah."

"You won't blow her up, will you?" Tobi sounded a little sceptical. "Leader-sama would not be pleased with us."

Deidara heaved a sigh. "No, I won't blow her up. Now give her to me. And get rid of that damn daisy chain, yeah."

"Yes, Deidara-sempai!" As Tobi stooped to lift the daisy chain from Sakura's hair, she found her gaze drawn towards the single eyehole in his mask, and suddenly all the anger and fight and pounding terror drained from her. "If Deidara-sempai tries to blow you up," Tobi was saying earnestly, "tell me when I get back and I'll make him say sorry. Tobi likes good girls."

As Deidara frogmarched her back towards a cluster of shining halls, Sakura glanced over her shoulder at the winged horse, now crowing like a rooster. "What," she asked, "is wrong with that animal?"

"He's a magnificent horse," said Deidara, then paused for a moment before he added in thoughtful tones, "with the brain of a bird."

"Oh."

"Wait till you hear him snore, yeah."

xXx

Kiba was sulking. This was because Akamaru was behaving strangely and had been behaving strangely ever since he had seen Chouji dressed in those ridiculous stripy trousers. He could not seem to leave Chouji alone, following him wherever he went, and when Kiba had whistled him to heel, Akamaru had ignored him.

"You aren't hiding any barbecue, are you?" he asked Chouji suspiciously.

"No, but I do feel like some roast boar. Tonton looks so …"

Akamaru pricked his ears and whined, and Kiba's foul mood intensified. "You must have some food on you, otherwise my dog wouldn't be following you, you fa–"

Shikamaru and Ino both lunged for Kiba at the same time, clasping their hands over his mouth, but Chouji simply looked down at himself, frowning. "I'm not fat," he said, poking his girth with two fingers, "just well covered."

"Hurry up!" Naruto yelled from further ahead, where the open grassland gave way to shrubs and a series of low sand dunes. "You guys are taking forever."

As they straggled over the sand dunes and down to the beach, Kiba realised something that everybody else, including Shikamaru, had appeared to have left out of their calculations. "How are we going to get Akamaru across to the mainland? He can't swim all that way."

"Oh … right …"

Shikamaru sighed. "This is so –"

"Don't you dare say it!" snapped Kiba, rounding on him. "Akamaru is not troublesome, but he _is_ my responsibility, and I'm not leaving this island without him."

"Kiba-kun," said Hinata, fidgeting with her fingers, and Kiba glanced irritably at her, taking his eyes off Chouji patting his dog. "Can't you use jyuujin bunshin –"

There was a sudden sharp popping sound, and seven pairs of eyes darted back to Chouji and the puff of smoke where Akamaru had been a split-second ago. Kiba made a strangled noise and Naruto and Shikamaru had to grab his arms before he sprang at Chouji. He struggled against them, face livid, lips peeled back from his teeth.

"You – you!"

"I swear I did nothing, just patted him!"

"Yip!"

Silence. And then Kiba howled, "You – you _shrank my dog_!"

"Look at it this way," Shikamaru panted as he tried to hold him back, "he's certainly a lot easier to carry now."

xXx

To pass the time before the Akatsuki leader arrived, Deidara and Sakura were wandering through the mansions of the gods on Olympus, all of them currently devoid of divine occupancy, and commenting on the interior decoration. Tobi had joined them, taken one look at the very first fresco, and curled up in a little ball on the floor, whimpering something about his eyes bleeding and that he had thought Sakura was a good girl and why was she even _looking_ at these kinds of pictures?

"That is frankly disgusting, yeah," said Deidara, staring in revolted disbelief at possibly the most hideous fresco the pair of them had seen so far.

"Well, give the artist some credit – everything is anatomically accurate," said Sakura.

"So you see a lot of naked goat-headed men running around the streets of Konoha, yeah?"

"Well, aside from that, everything is anatomically accurate," she insisted. "The colour scheme is a bit monotonous, though."

Deidara snorted. "He's got hooves instead of feet, you know."

"You're looking at him with the same expression as the guy he's running after."

"Well, wouldn't you? Oh wait, I forgot, you see these goat-headed men all the time, yeah."

Normally, Sakura would have been kicking and writhing and twisting to get away from her captor, but she was still in that vaguely dreamy and relaxed state that she had slipped into when Tobi removed the daisy chain from her head. Some small part of her mind was beating urgently against the cocoon of tranquillity she was muffled in, but it was very small and no more than an annoying flutter.

"Whoa, what the hell is _this_?"

Sakura took one look at the next fresco, and shut her eyes firmly. "I don't want to see any more," she said, blushing beet red.

"Fine, we'll look for sculptures, then, yeah."

This seemed a good idea, since the sculptures were not half as risqué, until they looked at the pedestal bases. Sai, thought Sakura, would have been in his element. "These people are sick freaks," grumbled Deidara. "All you see are penises, everywhere. No wonder I had this urge to chase nymphs through the forest – there's some serious subliminal hardwiring going on."

"You don't think you'll feel that urge again?" Sakura asked.

"_No_!" Deidara dug one hand into a hip pouch. "You know what," he said, his visible eye glittering manically, "I think I'll teach these idiots what true art is, yeah."

"Deidara." It was a deep, resonant voice, of the sort that people automatically respond to. Beside her, Deidara took his hand reluctantly out of his pouch.

"Leader-sama," he said, turning around, and suddenly Sakura's heart was in her throat as she lifted her gaze to see –

"You – !"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Spot the Quote**

(1) The opening scene with Sai and Naruto is taken from _Naruto Shippuuden_ episode 57, in which Sai hugs Naruto. Hooray for filler ship-teases.

(2) With Odysseus around, it's not surprising that the _Odyssey_ references continue, with the trip to the underworld. Odysseus listing the shades of the dead comes from Book 11 of the _Odyssey_. He sees a great many more of them in the _Odyssey_ – there is a catalogue of famous women, such as Heracles' mother Alcmene and his wife Megara, Ariadne and Phaedra the daughters of Minos, and other mothers and lovers of heroes and gods, as well as a list of heroes, including Achilles, Minos, Orion and Heracles.

(3) "We need to find the seer Tiresias, and the easiest way to do that is to offer the shades a blood sacrifice. It ought to be a black ram, but that dog will do nicely."

Black animals were considered appropriate animals to sacrifice to the dead, due to their colour. Thanks to Cerberus, dogs too were associated with the underworld and suitable sacrificial victims. As an aside, although the image that people have of Cerberus today is a dog with three heads, in ancient artwork, he sometimes has just two, or a positive proliferation of heads – not surprising, considering that he's the brother of the Hydra.

(4) The blind seer Tiresias was one of the most famous of the Ancient Greek prophets and is a character in Sophocles' tragedy _Oedipus Rex_. According to Ovid's _Metamorphoses_, he lost his eyesight as a result of an argument between Zeus and his wife Hera. The two were squabbling over who gets more pleasure from sex, men or women, and as Tiresias had spent several years as a woman (the result of accidentally intruding on an intimate moment shared by two snakes) he was felt to be the logical expert. He said women. This annoyed Hera, who cursed him with blindness, but Zeus, feeling very pleased since he'd won the argument, gave him the gift of foresight.

(5) "It has occurred to me that this is the time of year that the gods go on holiday to East Africa ..."

A reference to Book 1 of the _Iliad_ where the Olympians have gone to Ethiopia for a feast. At the start of the _Odyssey_ as well, Poseidon is in Ethiopia, enjoying his hecatomb of bulls and rams.

(6) "You've got to follow this route past the Sirens – she says to block your men's ears against the terrible noise they make, a sort of _wee-wah_,_ wee-wah_, _wee-wah_, because if you don't they'll be too busy stuffing their fingers into their ears to row and then you'll be wrecked on the rocks that the Sirens are meant to warn you about."

The noise of the Sirens comes from an Eddie Izzard sketch. In actual fact, the Sirens were bird-women who perched on sea-cliffs and lured sailors to their deaths on the rocks with their fatally beautiful song, impossible to resist. Odysseus has his men plug their ears so that they can row past the Sirens' cliff unheeding, but he himself listens to the siren song, tied to the mast so that he can't jump overboard and swim to the Sirens (_Odyssey_, Book 12).

(7) "He's a magnificent horse," said Deidara, then paused for a moment before he added in thoughtful tones, "with the brain of a bird."

This quote, and this incarnation of Pegasus, are from Disney's _Hercules_.

(8) "Akamaru was behaving strangely and had been behaving strangely ever since he had seen Chouji dressed in those ridiculous stripy trousers. He could not seem to leave Chouji alone …"

The _Asterix_ references continue in this chapter. Chouji gets a few more of Obelix's traits: the love of roast boar, his assertion that he's not fat, just well-covered, and a little white dog that follows him around. Yes, Akamaru thinks he might be Dogmatix.

(9) "So you see a lot of naked goat-headed men running around the streets of Konoha, yeah?"

Sakura and Deidara are looking at a fresco based on the Pan Painter's namesake vase, housed in the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston. It does indeed show the naked, goat-headed god Pan chasing after a young and rather alarmed shepherd. Do not stray in the mountains of Ancient Greece. It is hazardous for the health. And – this is _very important_ – make sure you have a friend to watch your back.


	5. Vandals and Fangirls

This piece owes its inspiration to the fluff-pirates, who provided the tea, the homemade sushi and a line of Shisui's dialogue. The same AU as Bonds and The Bet, forming the second part of the pseudo three-shot.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Vandals and Fangirls

A woman's kitchen exists to be warm, overcrowded, and a place for long conversations about life and love and the latest gossip, preferably whilst something is on the hob or in the oven, possibly in danger of burning. It is never happier than when there are three or four women gathered together, sipping tea, chattering and laughing – and shrieking when the pot boils over, or clouds of smoke start belching from the oven. By these standards, Haruno Sakura's kitchen was a very happy kitchen indeed.

For one thing, there were _five_ women in it, even though it was a small kitchen that was really only designed to hold two people, three at the most. For another, the rice on the hob was frothing vigorously, bubbles pushing against the underside of the lid and threatening to lift it off. There was nothing in the oven at the moment, except some large patches of cooling beeswax, left over from the afternoon's attempt to make candles, half a dozen of which were arranged in moulds on the windowsill, next to the egg basket. However, to make up for the oven's lack of drama, Sakura was brewing loose leaf tea in her new glass teapot, and forgetting to keep an eye on the timer.

"– so I'd been warned that they were a bunch of little bastards," she was saying. "Of course, I thought that after surviving Naruto, a handful of Academy kids would hardly be a challenge. Anyway, the first day I taught them, I opened the classroom door, expecting a chalkboard duster to fall on my head, or something. But, no, they hadn't booby-trapped the door. That would have been too obvious."

Temari laughed. "Never underestimate the devious little monsters in the Academy," she said. "So, what was it?"

"It was an ambush," said Sakura, "and I got a faceful of water."

"There is no way an Academy kid could use a suiton," said Tenten without lifting her eyes from the cucumber she was chopping into fine slivers. A neat pile of carrot sticks sat on a plate at her elbow.

"No, it wasn't a suiton," Sakura explained. "Remember, I was teaching them first aid in the science lab. And in the cupboard at the back of the room, where all the stuff that the students get to use is kept, there's a box with syringes."

The other girls started to grin. "Oh, I can see where this is going," said Ino.

"The little bastards had taken the syringes and filled them with water," Sakura went on. "So they stood there and cackled, whilst I thought that karma was a bitch, because I'd only deserved a chalkboard duster."

"When Neji-nii-san gets drunk at family events, he thinks that karma accrues interest over time," Hinata said.

"True, he does," Tenten agreed. "Neji's such a cheerful ray of sunshine."

"So, how did you deal with them?" Temari asked.

Sakura laughed. "Well, I got there early the next day, and when the kids arrived, they were unpleasantly surprised to see that I'd beaten them there. But I had an even better surprise waiting for them, because I had all the syringes in the classroom on my desk, except for the one I had in my hand. And they were filled with water. And I was smiling."

"Oh, the rice is about to boil over!" Temari said sharply, and Sakura swore, snatching the pot off the hob and turning the gas off. The cushion of froth that the lid rested on slowly subsided, and she set the pot back down.

"Can someone pass me the sugar and the tablespoon?" she asked, pouring vinegar into a saucepan. "Why are Tenten and I the only ones doing any work here, anyway?"

"Because my job is to entertain you, Forehead."

"You're a self-designated freeloader, Pig."

"Hey, I brought the nori and the tuna and the prawns."

"I didn't ask you to come over."

"You wound me, Sakura. And, by the way, you're supposed to show gratitude, where you, you know, act happy and smile and say, 'Thank you, Ino, for bringing me the ingredients for sushi.'"

"Too bad. Anyway, can someone please pass me the sugar?"

"Here!" Hinata said. "I think that the tea has finished brewing as well."

"Damn," said Sakura. "I forgot about it. Ino-pig, you know where the cups are."

Although on the strong side, after being neglected and allowed to steep for longer than strictly necessary, the tea was still pleasantly sweet and light. Sakura held her cup close to her face in between sips, so that she could savour its fragrance, and listened to Ino trying to talk Tenten into letting her mess with her hair.

"– a new look from time to time. I promise it'll be good."

"No thanks. The way I wear it, it's practical and out of my eyes."

"Practicality isn't _everything_. What about sex appeal? What about" – Ino lowered her voice conspiratorially – "Hyuuga Neji?"

Hinata giggled, and Temari poked Ino in the ribs. "Hyuuga Neji? Do tell," she said, giving Tenten a look of glee.

Tenten sighed in exasperation. "What is it with you and matchmaking, Ino?"

It was a very happy kitchen indeed.

At which point the window smashed and someone somersaulted through it.

Startled, the five kunoichi sprang into defensive stances, Tenten snatching up the knife she had been using to slice the cucumber and throwing it with pinpoint accuracy at the intruder, who executed a shunshin faster than the flight of the blade. It buried itself with a solid _thunk_ in the wall and Sakura found herself glaring at an upside-down Naruto hanging off the kitchen ceiling.

"What the hell are you doing, you idiot?" she asked, cracking her knuckles ominously.

Naruto gave her his most endearing smile. "Can you hide us, Sakura-chan?" he asked.

"Us?"

"Me 'n Sasuke."

"Sasuke-kun is here?" Sakura glanced around, and saw her other teammate crouching on the windowsill, framed by shattered panes of glass, the nightlights of Konoha glowing through the dark behind him. For a moment, Inner Sakura was distracted by just how sexy and dramatic a picture he made there, but then she pulled herself together and reminded herself that the two of them had just broken her window, upset her cooling beeswax candles into the egg basket, and crashed her all girls sushi evening. "Just what are the two of you doing here?" she asked.

"We're in trouble, Sakura-chan," Naruto said, still on the ceiling. "Will you help us?"

"What is it?" she asked suspiciously, exchanging a look with Ino.

"We're being chased," he said. "So, will you hide us?"

Sakura had half a mind to refuse, since her kitchen was now covered in glass shards thanks to their stupid sense of drama. Besides, if whoever was chasing them tracked them down here, there would be a ninja battle in her house. And both Sasuke-kun and Naruto specialised in large-scale destructive jutsu.

Some of this must have shown on her face, because Naruto launched into one of his speeches about bonds and friendship, the sort of speech that never failed to make hardened and cynical S-class missing nin burst into tears, repent of their evil ways, and promise to write home to their mother more often. However, a lengthy exposure to these speeches had, over time, granted Sakura, if not immunity exactly, the ability to tune them out, which she did now in favour of scrutinising Sasuke.

He was wearing his usual brooding expression, but after close inspection, Sakura decided that he was definitely on edge – and very uncomfortable. As he damn well should be if he wanted her help after how standoffish he'd been towards her today. Not that standoffish behaviour was anything unusual for Sasuke, but he'd been worse than normal, and when he _had_ deigned to talk to her, he had been brusque and short-tempered. He'd even told her she was annoying. And now he barged into her kitchen without so much as a "by your leave".

"So remember what Kakashi-sensei always says: those who do not follow the rules are considered trash, but those who do not care for their comrades are lower than trash!" Naruto finished with a dramatic flourish. He paused, looking at her hopefully, and Sakura sighed resignedly.

"Yes, yes, you can come in," she said, and Naruto treated her to one of his brilliant smiles. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Ino shaking her head in amusement. "I'm not sure where you can hide, but no doubt the two of you will come up with some brilliant idea."

"Thank you, Sakura-chan!" Naruto dropped from the ceiling, almost directly on top of Hinata, who squeaked and flinched backwards. "Oh, sorry, Hinata," Naruto said, taking her by the shoulders to steady her, and her face flushed scarlet. "Didn't mean to stand on you."

"Th-that's all right, N-naruto-kun," she stammered. "Y-you didn't stand on me."

Naruto grinned at her, and Hinata's blush deepened. "That's good, then," he said, and let her go. "Come on, Sasuke," he went on. "You can stop posing in the window."

"Hn."

If the kitchen had been crowded before, it was now threatening to burst at the seams. Naruto, as always, somehow managed to take up twice as much space as he should, and Sasuke was wrapped in a dark and brooding aura a foot thick.

"So," said Sakura briskly, "I don't suppose you'll tell me _who_ is chasing you."

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged furtive looks.

"No," said Sasuke flatly.

Sakura clenched her jaw, suddenly feeling a very strong desire to turf Sasuke back out of the window. Seeing her expression, Naruto laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "Well, you see, this morn– _aaargh!_"

As the crackle of his raiton jutsu died down, Sasuke, his cheeks stained faint pink, grabbed the now limp and unresisting Naruto, whose hair had gone quite static and was emitting sparks, and hustled him out of the kitchen. Sure, his chidori variants weren't _really_ supposed to be used on his teammates, but temporarily paralysing Naruto had its advantages. Especially if the dumbass was going to insist on blabbing about the Incident this morning, when it had been all his fault in the first place.

With Sasuke now flustered and in open retreat, Sakura's mood had improved a hundredfold. Thank goodness for Naruto and his ability to get under Sasuke's skin. "Whatever you do," she called after the two boys, "_stay out of my closet!_"

"Hn."

Naruto looked as though he were trying to leer and waggle his eyebrows at her, but the effects of the chidori had not yet worn off – and it is impossible to leer convincingly with a facial hemiparesis, though it is possible to look grotesque.

"All right," said Sakura, stepping back into the kitchen, and taking stock of the situation. Hinata and Tenten were sweeping up the glass, and Temari was sticky-taping a sheet of newspaper over the hole in the window. Ino had taken the rice off the hob and was spreading it in a wooden bowl with a spatula.

"The vinegar is almost done," she said, and then wrinkled her nose and sniffed. "In fact, I think it's starting to burn, Forehead."

Once all the glass had been swept up (byakugan was useful for finding the little bits that would otherwise have gone unnoticed until someone trod on them), the candles rescued from the egg basket and the draft taken care of, the kitchen returned to its former state of domestic contentment.

"Sasuke-kun seemed to be in a bad mood, Forehead," said Ino. "What was that about? Hey, does someone else want to take over fanning the rice? How about you, Temari?"

Temari raised one eyebrow as she swapped places with Ino. "Your choice has nothing to do with my favourite weapon, I trust?"

Ino tried to look innocent, failed badly, and Temari whacked her on the back of the head with the fan.

"Sasuke-kun is always in a bad mood, Ino-pig," said Sakura.

"Not like this. He electrocuted Naruto in mid-sentence."

"_That's_ not unusual," said Sakura wryly. "But, yes, he's in an unusually foul mood today," she went on. "And when I asked him what the matter was, he told me I was annoying."

Ino made a face. "He's always been in denial about the fact that he has emotions."

"That's a guy thing," said Temari. "Look at my little brother and his views on love – though I guess dear Uncle Yashamaru and our father didn't exactly help."

"How about Shikamaru?" Tenten asked in a voice that suggested she was in no way out for revenge for Temari's teasing about Neji earlier on in the evening. "You were saying that any time you confront him on his feelings –"

Ino and Sakura exchanged a glance, and Temari hurriedly broke in, giving Tenten a filthy look. "Yes, any time you talk to him about anything emotional, he brushes it off. You know what he's like. 'So troublesome', or 'What a drag'. And then he comes up with some excuse to leave as soon as possible."

"So, what sort of emotional things do you try to talk to him about?" Ino asked, her chin propped in her hands, a sly smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"It's not what you're thinking," said Temari, fanning the rice with a great deal more vigour than necessary. "Why'd I want to date a lazy guy like him?"

"No-one said anything about dating," said Ino, her smile growing wider and wider, and then ducked as Temari tried to swat her with the little fan. "Ooh, you _are_ a Shikamaru fangirl after all."

"_Anyway_, Sakura, you were saying about Sasuke," Temari said, grandly ignoring Ino.

Sakura ran one hand through her hair, pushing her bangs out of her eyes. "If you ask me, expecting me to hide him after he's been so unpleasant all day is very much a case of Sasuke-kun wanting to have his cake and eat it."

Just as Hinata opened her mouth to say something, there was the sound of newspaper ripping into tatters, and for the second time that night, a shinobi dived through the window. Since the kitchen knife was still buried in the wall, Tenten seized the closest vaguely projectile object she had to hand and threw it at the intruder, who caught it between two fingers.

"A teaspoon," he said. "Does it explode? And is there cake?"

"No, it does not, and no, there is not," snapped Sakura, her temper starting to fray at the edges. Had none of these men heard of doors? "Shisui-san, just _what_ are you doing here?"

"So, what was the talk about cake for, then?" he asked, ignoring her question.

"Sakura is having boy trouble," Tenten explained.

Shisui raised his eyebrows. "Don't eat your man," he said to Sakura, and Hinata started to giggle.

"That all depends on how much he annoys me," Sakura told him. "And you still haven't told me why you're here."

"Just passing through," he said. "Itachi and I are tracking down two vandals who broke into a certain ANBU captain's room and defaced it with very vulgar graffiti. The signs indicate that they passed this way. Have you seen them?"

"What sort of things did they graffiti?" Temari asked curiously.

Shisui looked her up and down, his gaze pausing very obviously at her cleavage, and she flushed. "Well," he purred, "you must be the fan girl of the Sand, about whom I've heard so much. As for the grafitti, it probably isn't for the ears of little girls, like Sakura-chan over there. Perhaps we could talk about this later, just you and I?"

Sakura coughed, and Shisui looked round at her, grinning salaciously. "Oh, are you jealous, Sakura-chan? Have you fallen for my charms?"

There was a sudden crash from the direction of Sakura's bedroom, and two familiar voices were raised in yells of terror and anguish. Hinata gave an _eep_ of alarm, and the other kunoichi looked round, startled.

"What the hell was that?" Ino exclaimed.

"Ah, it sounds like Itachi has apprehended the fugitives," said Shisui.

"_Chidoraaargh!_"

"_Raseng-owwwww!_"

Sakura could not help but feel a twitch of anxiety for her bedroom. If Naruto and Sasuke-kun had broken anything in there, she would repay the favour by breaking _them_. They couldn't say they hadn't had due warning. If Itachi had broken anything –

Well, she told herself, he was Uchiha Itachi, and whilst Inner Sakura thought he was sex on legs, Outer Sakura had been in terror of him since she first met him at the age of twelve. Technically, she'd been in terror of him from _before_ she first met him, thanks to _that thing_ that had happened the first time she and Naruto had visited Sasuke-kun's house as genin.

So if Itachi had broken anything, she wasn't going to blame him for it. She'd just blame Sasuke-kun and Naruto. After all, if they hadn't graffitied Itachi's room, they wouldn't have needed to hide in her house, and then her bedroom would have been left intact, not to mention her kitchen window.

At which point Uchiha Itachi loomed dark in the doorway, and Sakura and Hinata both gave a small terrified _meep_. Behind him they could see Naruto and Sasuke, bound hand and foot, and writhing frantically against the knots.

"You got them?" Shisui asked.

"Hn." Itachi pointed at the two boys.

"You sure? Because it looks to me like they've both learned the jutsu for untying ropes after all."

Itachi gave the slightest of smirks, and right on cue Naruto started panicking very loudly.

"Noooo! I just undid that knot! Why is it doing itself up again? Oh my God, what's going on?"

"It's a snake!" Sasuke yelled in horror. "It's not a rope, Naruto, it's a snake!"

The kunoichi looked alarmed, whilst Itachi merely stood in the doorway, not paying the slightest heed to the commotion behind him. Shisui, on the other hand, was grinning from ear to ear, taking evident delight in the struggles of the two boys.

"That's cruel, Itachi," he said. "That's so very cruel."

Craning her neck to see around Itachi, Sakura saw that Naruto was rolling around on the floor, beating at himself and yelling, "Get it off! Get it off! It's gonna bite! _It's gonna bite!_" whilst Sasuke, stiff as a plank and white as chalk, was yelling at him, "Lie still! _Lie still!_ You're only aggravating it!" Only there was no snake in sight, and the ropes lay in coils on the ground.

Oh. Right.

Sakura had to agree with Shisui that it was extremely cruel indeed.

Then Naruto, in his wild thrashing, hit his head against the leg of her coffee table, yelped, and then – "Huh? It's gone." He paused, looked over at Sasuke, who was lying completely still, and began to snigger.

"What's so funny, moron?" Sasuke hissed, and then realisation dawned on him too. "It's a genjutsu. It's a fucking genjutsu, isn't it?"

Shisui gave a whoop of laughter. "Well done, ninja genius," he said, as Sasuke broke free of the illusion.

"Uchiha Itachi, I am going to _kill_ you," Sasuke snarled, his eyes blazing red with sharingan. "And you as well, Shisui."

If looks could kill, Itachi would have been six feet under with a stake through his heart, but as it was, he looked more bored than anything else. "You have such an active imagination, Sasuke," he said. "Or are you prepared to take me on" – he paused, and turned towards him – "foolish little brother?"

Naruto and Sasuke froze, a visible thrill of fear running through them, from the tips of their toes to the crowns of their heads, and then with one accord, they swung round and bolted for the nearest window. For the second time that evening, there was the sound of shattering glass, this time followed by the noise of Naruto and Sasuke fighting over who was exiting first. Sakura gave a strangled squawk of rage.

"I am going to break every _single_ bone in their bodies!"

Itachi looked back at her. "Really?" he said, and there was a note of undeniable curiosity in his voice.

"Really!" she growled, far too angry to think that she was talking to the terrifying Uchiha Itachi. "That's the _second _window they've broken tonight, there are dirty footprints on my kitchen ceiling, beeswax all over the windowsill, and I don't want to know what they were doing in my bedroom."

"Well," said Itachi, "the both of them were –"

xXx

As soon as they were safely out the window, dishevelled and breathless from their struggle, Sasuke and Naruto set their course for Shikamaru's house, and, true to form, they were bickering as they leapt from rooftop to rooftop.

"If you get any slower, I'm leaving you behind, moron."

"And who ran a chidori through me five minutes ago?"

"That was your own fault."

"Hell, no, it was not! You just grabbed me and then – zap! Next thing I know there's lightning coming from my fingertips. That was assault!"

"If you hadn't mentioned what happened this morning –"

"It wasn't that bad."

Silence.

"Ok, ok, maybe it was, but it didn't deserve a chidori current."

"Thanks to you, my parents are now questioning my sexuality."

"Well, seeing that you prefer to chidori your fangirls rather than shag them, and you punch poor Naruko every time you see her, is that anything new?"

"Hell, _yes!_ My father used to think I was exhibiting the – the Uchiha _dignity_ proper to one of his sons, _which I still am_, _by the way_, but now, thanks to Itachi's little comment at breakfast this morning, _which he wouldn't have made had it not been for you_, he now has his doubts."

"Hey, it wasn't my fault that I got lost in the dark. Your house is huge."

"And _you_ are supposed to be a shinobi. You should have at least checked to see who was in the bed before trying to tickle them awake." Sasuke paused, and then added reflectively, "Though I wouldn't have minded seeing you try that on Itachi."

"Well, I did."

"I know that, you total moron. I'm just surprised you didn't wake the entire household with your screams."

"Hey, I'm not that wimpy."

"Yes, you are. You practically piss your pants whenever you see my brother. Anyway, my point is, Itachi announced at the breakfast table that you were in the habit of visiting me in the morning to molest me, and now my father is starting to make comments about the fact that I don't have a girlfriend."

As Naruto started to reply, there came a sound that made their blood run cold.

"Naruuutooo! Sasuke-kun! I told you to stay out of my closet!"

The boys exchanged a panicked glance, and then, in a slightly squeaky voice, which Sasuke would have mocked him for, had the situation not been so dire, Naruto asked, "Do you think it was possibly a mistake to go through Sakura-chan's underwear drawer?"

"_Yes_. And I also think it was a mistake to draw dicks and write '_Itachi + __Shisui 4eva_' all over Itachi's bedroom walls. But, even more importantly, I think we should talk less and run more," said Sasuke. "Last one to Shikamaru's house is a –"

"Foolish little brother."

There was a heartbeat of utter silence, and then:

"Oh shit."

"Shannaro!"


	6. Chapter Three: Narrative Causality

Chapter Three

The Theory of Narrative Causality

High in the hot sky, an eagle hung on spread wings, drifting lazily on an updraft. Its head turned from side to side as it swung in great slow circles, yellow eyes scanning the distant ground. A flicker in the trees, and it dropped lower, staring intently down, and then something in its eyes shifted, and it moved on. Far below, though, there was a sound like a whip crack, and an old woman appeared in the treetops, black skirt and pointy hat catching on the branches as she started to climb down, muttering to herself.

She could hear them coming, much faster than she had anticipated, and so she looked down, spotted a suitably thick branch six or seven feet below, and paused to dig her hatpins in rather more securely. Then she jumped, one hand preventing gravity from seeing up her skirts, the other clutching her hat brim, just in case, because a witch is nothing without her pointy hat, and landed with a solid thud just as the eight ninja came leaping into view.

They stopped in their tracks, landing in the branches of the tree closest to hers, then straightened up and looked at her warily. One of the girls had drawn a knife and was twirling it in a casual fashion. She disapproved of people like that – if they really knew what their weapons were for, they would have nailed you to the nearest tree trunk before you even knew they had a knife.

Besides, she also disapproved of girls who wore next to nothing at all. And that other one was standing there bifurcated so that all the men could see her _legs_. It didn't matter that she was wearing trousers, though Granny Weatherwax had to unwillingly concede it was better than wearing nothing but provocative purple linjerry like the other girl.

A fair-haired boy who could only be colour-blind because there was no way a normal sighted human could possibly consider violent orange and black a good combination stepped forward and pointed at her. "Who are you?"

"That ain't your business," she said. "I'm not who I'm supposed to be, and you wouldn't know who I really am, so it doesn't matter. But I got something important to tell you."

"Why should we listen to you?" the fair-haired boy demanded. "This could be a trap. I'm not going to trust some wrinkly old hag just because she says she's got important information."

Granny's blue eyes glinted, and a spark of octarine fire jumped from her fingertips. The bifurcated girl squeaked.

"I ain't a – what you just called me," Granny said. "But if you don't want to know how to save your pink-haired friend, then I'm not wasting any more of my breath or time here."

The boy gaped. "Whoa! Wait! Sakura-chan! You know where she is?" He lunged forward, one arm stretched out, and then froze on the verge of leaping from his branch to hers.

"Slow down, Naruto, you moron." It was a boy with a spiky ponytail that stuck straight up and reminded her of that strange fruit that foreigners thought was some kind of apple, which only went to show how little they knew. "You can hear what she has to say from over here."

"We still can't be sure that you're telling the truth," said the woman holding a pig. "Who are you supposed to be, and why aren't you them?"

"If I ain't them it hardly matters who I ought to be," said Granny. "But if it helps, I'm an edge witch who got sucked into this story along with the rest of you. Got a letter, asking me to fill in for some goddess of wisdom, but I ain't doing that, because that only gives the story more power."

The shinobi looked blankly at her.

"You know what a story is, right?"

"It's something that you tell to children?" said the spiky-haired boy. "Something made up by people?"

"Wrong. Stories ain't made up tales to tell to children. They ain't things that people can control. We don't even create them. They're alive, and they feed off people. Right now, you're in the middle of a story and it's feeding off you."

xXx

"You!"

Sakura could not help but stare at the Leader, her mouth dry and heart racing. He bore an undeniable resemblance to the Fourth Hokage with a dye job and a piercing fetish, and he also looked remarkably like Naruto (with a similar dye job and piercing fetish) might in another ten years' time.

"You're nobody I know," she finished lamely, though Naruto and the Fourth Hokage aside, there was a nagging resemblance to someone she knew.

For his part, the Leader simply ignored her outburst, talking over her as though she did not exist. "Things are a little complicated. It will be more difficult than we previously believed to capture the nine tails jinchuuriki."

Sakura frowned. How did he know this? Had he been observing them since their arrival in this strange land?

Deidara shook Sakura roughly. "But we've got her, yeah, and he'll have to come to us. How hard can it be to capture him then?"

"Normally, we would have no trouble at all. However, whilst that ship's captain was wearing the earrings Tobi gave him, I could watch through his eyes, and observation of the nine tails made it clear that there are some rules in this place."

So _that_ was how he had done it! He had some link with the captain, the man that Shizune-san had been told to kill, and now that she thought about it, they even looked something alike, with the same red hair and cool gaze, although this man's eyes had a strange ripple pattern that suggested he might have an eye technique of sorts. Still, the captain of the ship! He had been so close to Naruto whilst they were on the ship, and yet he _hadn't_ tried to do anything to him, even though none of them had been on their guard around him. Perhaps there had been too many of them for him to deal with? Impossible. This was Akatsuki after all, and they were a bunch of chuunin, one genin, one jounin and a pig. Oh, and the white fluff-ball that was Mokona, with a mysterious dimension-travelling power. Yet the captain had seemed to be friendly and harmless, and had known nothing about shinobi. Had something happened during the ambush? She was suddenly struck by the horrible realisation that if there was some sort of link between the Akatsuki leader and the ship's captain, the ambush must have failed and her friends might be badly injured.

"Rules?" Deidara's question jolted her from her racing thoughts. "What sort of rules does this place have?"

"Have you ever heard of the Theory of Narrative Causality?"

xXx

Naruto's face was screwed up in pained concentration. "I don't get it. And I don't see how this helps save Sakura-chan."

"That's because you keep interrupting," said Granny tartly. "Stories are like ticks, great big bloodsucking ticks. They need to feed on someone else's life to stay alive themselves, and they do that by pulling people into the story and making them act it out, even if it's against their nature. Stories don't care who takes part in them. All that matters is that the story gets told."

Shikamaru frowned. "So if we're in a story and we keep doing what the story wants us to do, we just make it stronger?"

"Yes, you do," said Granny.

"What does that do to our chances of getting out of the story?"

She grinned. "You're a smart boy. You tell me."

Shikamaru's face fell, and he sighed. "This is troublesome. I just wanted to go home." He clicked his heels together automatically, and then looked down at his feet, an eyebrow twitching. "Er …" he said.

"You didn't mean to do it, but it just happened?" Granny asked.

"Yes," said Shikamaru.

"That's the story getting to you. Now if you want to get the pink-haired girl and get back to your own world, you'd better stop listening to the stories. And you'd better hope that the other lot haven't realised the power of stories."

xXx

Deidara looked speculatively at Sakura. "So what's the problem with this Theory of Narrative Causality? If we're in the right sort of story, it works out great for us, yeah."

"Well, with these eyes I can see many things hidden and secret," said the Leader. "Such as the fact that the jinchuuriki is surrounded by the virtually impenetrable defence of the Plot Shield. He can't drown, can't be poisoned, can't be crushed, or even bleed to death, all proof that he has acquired either Itachi's Mirror of Yata or a Plot Shield."

"So the girl is useless, then," Deidara said. "Does this mean I can blow her up?"

Sakura flinched, felt her heartbeat accelerate. No way, no way, no way. This was so wrong and so unfair and she was so finding her way out of this story somehow. And she wished the Leader would stop looking at her with those freaky blue eyes of his, because she was starting to panic now that she _knew_ they were a doujutsu, but she'd never heard of any other doujutsu besides byakugan and sharingan, so what on earth could he see and do with those eyes?

Calm down, girl. Calm down and think. There's a reason why you've got such an enormous forehead, billboard brow.

She drew a deep breath, let it go slowly. Not that it had changed the fact that Deidara still had a firm grip on her wrists and was leering at her with pyromaniac intent, nor that Tobi was hovering silently and horribly menacingly behind her, nor that the Leader, curse his freaky eyes, was still staring expressionlessly at her, but at least she was now in a far more positive and assertive frame of mind about it all, wasn't she?

"No, you can't blow her up either. She's also got a Plot Shield."

"Aw, man. I haven't been allowed to blow anything up since arriving here."

"Deidara-sempai is feeling frustrated!"

"Shut up, Tobi, or I'll assign you a cause of death."

"Obviously death by explosion, yeah."

Deidara started to move, and for a split-second Sakura thought she had a window of opportunity to make her escape, but then the Leader snapped at Deidara to stop, and with a sulky mutter he subsided.

"Sensitive about people mocking your speech pattern?" Sakura asked him sweetly.

"You shut up too," he growled. "Plot Shield or no Plot Shield, I'll make you explode, yeah."

"Once you are all quite finished," said the Leader. A small paper-white butterfly had alighted on his shoulder, slowly raising and lowering its wings as he spoke. "We do have one advantage, though. The story we are currently in is a fan fiction."

"How do we know it's a fan fiction?" Deidara asked, intrigued despite himself.

The Leader nodded and the butterfly took off, skipped in loops before reshaping itself into something rather like a paper aeroplane. "There are a number of tests that will determine the identity of the story. If you follow me …"

xXx

"I don't see how a detail like that can make such a difference," said Ino. "It's a story – there are patterns – we just have to look out for the patterns and break them."

Granny Weatherwax glared at the girl disapprovingly, arms folded across her chest. Not only short on decency but also common sense. "It ain't an ordinary kind of story," she said. "It's got rules of its own. You'd better hope that it isn't a crack fic, because then the only rule is to expect the unexpected."

To her surprise, a grin broke over Naruto's face like a tide of sunlight washing over the sky in the morning. "So what you're saying is to look underneath the underneath. I get it now."

Well. She wouldn't have thought that one would have more than two brain cells to rub together to create a spark of insight. "Yes," she said. "It's all about headology and being persychological."

"Persychological?" said Naruto slowly.

"Persychological," she said firmly. "Now I've done my bit, so I'm going home."

The shinobi stared at her expectantly. She stared back at them. All of them. Before long, they were shuffling their feet uncomfortably. Granny Weatherwax was _good_ at making people uncomfortable.

"What are you waiting for?" she said, and they shuffled their feet a little more.

"You said you were going home …" Shikamaru's voice trailed off lamely.

"Well, I ain't doing it in front of you," she snapped. "Now get along with you – shoo!"

Once she was sure they were out of sight, she looked at her fingers. "I don't have no truck with wizards' magic," she said defiantly. "And wizards' magic should know better than to mess with me, but it doesn't. If this is one of them quantum-thingummies that Mustrum's clever young wizard was talking about, so help that clever young wizard, because once I'm back home –"

She snapped her fingers, and a heartbeat of time later, a teddy bear and a pile of ants roughly the volume of Granny Weatherwax dropped onto the branch where she had been standing. Stuck to one of the teddy bear's paws was a slightly shabby piece of parchment which read, to hex, merry hogswatch, from the hogfather.

In another part of the multiverse, the great computing machine of Unseen University stopped in the middle of balancing an impossibly complicated thaumaturgical equation and started scribbling: +++ MELON MELON MELON +++ Out Of Cheese Error +++ Redo From Start +++

Though, in all fairness, none of the wizards were really paying that much attention to it, because there were more urgent matters to attend to. Such as Granny Weatherwax.

xXx

"Oh my eyes, my eyes, my eyes!" Deidara moaned, sliding down the wall and pulling Sakura with him.

"Hey, some of those frescoes were just as explicit," she whispered.

"That's art – that's different. _This_ is Kisame and Itachi, and it's happening next door very loudly and graphically and I have to look them in the eye again tomorro– oh, hell, is that Itachi making those noises?"

Sakura listened for a moment to the breathless squeaking gasps. "Yes," she said decidedly. "You can hear he's saying Kisame's name, if you listen hard enough."

"Thank you so much, yeah."

Now that she knew she had a Plot Shield that was practically invincible, Sakura was feeling distinctly more cheerful. She might be surrounded by an organisation full of S-class shinobi who were all either off their rockers or fallen out of their furrows, but if she had understood what the Leader was saying, they couldn't touch her _or_ Naruto.

Naruto … He was sure to be coming for her. He'd always looked out for her, always been there to protect her. But she had vowed, hadn't she, to get better, to get stronger so that she wouldn't get in the way any longer – so what was she doing here? Being the useless captive kunoichi waiting for rescue, and, oh, she was so sick of being a burden. Her chest tightened, her heart thudding almost painfully against her ribs.

This time, _this time_, she would be strong. She would make use of her wits and her agility and her chakra-fuelled strength, and somehow she would escape, because she wasn't going to be the girl who sat on the sidelines and watched everybody else fight to keep her safe. This time, she'd be the one to protect the others. She'd be the one to protect Naruto.

"Is Deidara-sempai all right?" chirped Tobi, bending down and prodding his partner playfully.

By way of reply, there was a small explosion as a fireball burst in Tobi's face. Sakura yelped, ducking her head and huddling up as small as she could, and Deidara cackled in delight. The next moment, though, his face changed to a mask of terror and he bolted to his feet, hauling Sakura up after him, just as a tall, blue and decidedly unclothed figure loomed at the bedroom door.

"Oh no," said Deidara. "We'd better get the hell out of here, yeah."

"Too late," said Sakura, wondering precisely which part of a naked Uchiha's anatomy it was both safe and appropriate to stare at, and how long she had before her nose started bleeding. The next big question was – did a Plot Shield work against a pissed-off Uchiha in a story that might be fan fiction?

"So sorry, so sorry, did we interrupt anything?" asked Tobi breezily as he appeared directly between Sakura and Itachi, so that she could no longer see the Uchiha's bare chest. "Moving on now, moving on."

It was with a pang of regret that Sakura let Deidara and Tobi hurry her out of Poseidon's villa and back onto the main street of Olympus. She had been _this_ close to the ultimate in bishieness, and she hadn't jumped Itachi's bones – whoa, wait a moment, what the hell was she thinking?

Itachi was the man who had ruined Sasuke's life and caused him to desert Konoha. Remember that. Itachi was the man who was after Naruto. Remember that. Itachi was the man whose hot mouth she wanted to feel on her – no, damn it all, there she went _again_. Just like with the bunnies and the ridiculous henge that had landed her in this situation in the first place. It was as though someone or something else had climbed into her mind and was trying to take over.

Her fingers clenched into fists. Whatever was forcing itself into her head was in for a big surprise if it thought that this was going to be easy. There was only enough room in Haruno Sakura's mind for Haruno Sakura and herself.

The Leader was waiting for them outside the House of the Interesting Frescoes, his pale face expressionless. The paper butterfly was back, trembling on the sleeve of his cloak. It was not his only company. To Deidara and Sakura's horror, a somewhat rumpled Itachi and Kisame were waiting with him, though mercifully fully clad. The sharkman gave them his nastiest grin, shifting his massive sword on his shoulder.

"So we are in a fan fiction," the Leader said. "Yaoi, especially Uchiha yaoi, is one of the most common signs that a Plot Bunny has been to visit." He paused, looked around the assembled group. "The next stage is to determine if this is a crack fic. If it is, we have an advantage."

"If this involves KakuHidan or HidanKaku or any other such combination, count me out," said Deidara weakly.

"Yeah," said Sakura, not certain what he was referring to, but definitely not happy with the idea of further exposure to slash whilst she was so low on tissues. The best she could do was concentrate healing chakra in her nose and hope to goodness that whatever she saw next did not impair her chakra control.

"No, there is no KakuHidan," said a Venus flytrap as it emerged from the ground. His voice changed as he went on, "Though I could go into another fan fiction with a video camera, if you like."

Sakura was starting to feel a little dizzy with the sheer amount of testosterone in the air around her. It didn't help that Akatsuki members kept popping out of thin air – well, in the plant man's case, solid ground, actually – and at this rate she would not be able to keep them all straight. So far there were Deidara and Tobi (that made two), the Leader (three), Itachi and Kisame (that was five), and now a black and white man wearing an enormous plant – so that was a total of six deadly criminals, all of them missing nin, none of them trustworthy, and all she had was a potentially invincible Plot Shield, which might not actually be invincible after all if this turned out to be a crack fic. She sincerely hoped it wasn't.

The butterfly refashioned itself into a paper plane once more and flitted off up the streets of Olympus. Akatsuki followed.

Outside an enormous colonnaded workshop, with the sign "Hephaestus' Halls: Divinely Made Weapons Since 1500 BC" above the entrance, a crowd of butterflies was dancing. As soon as the plane zoomed into their midst they started uncreasing and becoming flat sheets of paper, which lapped together, layer upon layer, and slowly, so slowly, were suffused with colour – black and crimson and flesh tones and blue – until a woman was standing before them, the last few sheets of paper merging softly into her pale cheeks.

"They're round the back, Pain," she said, pointing to a small whitewashed house attached to the forge rather like a rubber dinghy might be attached to an ocean liner.

"Who is, Konan-san?" asked Tobi excitedly.

"You'll find out if you're a good boy, Tobi," said Zetsu.

The eight shinobi trooped through the workshop, Tobi bouncing all around the great anvils and bellows, the stacks of leather and ingots of gold and bronze and silver, a trident with a prong bent sadly out of shape, the chariot wheels lying in heaps. At one point he found a pair of adamant sandals so heavy that when he picked them up, he tipped over backwards and bumped into a pile of thunderbolts. The resulting explosion made Deidara whoop with glee, though Kisame was forced to cough up a suiton bakushouha to douse the flames.

"I might have known," said a voice from the little door at the back of the workshop. "You still insist on blowing all that is beautiful up, Deidara?"

Sakura blanched. Two undead S-class ninja in one day was a bit much for any girl to handle, especially when she had seen Sasori die before her very own eyes. She had seen the swords go through his _heart_. There was no way he could have survived impaling, organ rupture, and blood loss, not to mention a truly nasty poison.

His eyes shifted from Deidara's, met hers. "Oh," he said pleasantly. "It's the little girl I didn't get a chance to turn into a puppet."

Deidara's hands tightened on her arms and wrists. "I've got demolition rights on her now, Sasori no danna. You missed your turn, yeah."

A cold trickle of sweat slipped down Sakura's back, her heart thrumming frantically. She had to think of her Plot Shield, remember her Plot Shield, trust in her Plot Shield.

"Besides," Deidara added, "you're dead. You were just as temporary as true art, danna."

"Not in this story," said Sasori. "And be careful with that, Tobi – that's a priceless Grecian urn, which ought to remain to tell future generations that eternal beauty is truth, and truth eternal beauty."

Deidara sneered, while Tobi, miraculously unsinged despite having been at the epicentre of the explosion, set the vase down very delicately and backed away on the tips of his toes.

"That's a good boy," said Sasori. "Now what do you lot want?"

"We want to come in," said Kisame, and pushed past him.

The house had looked small from the outside, but inside it was even smaller, especially once the Akatsuki and Sakura had filed in. Wedged uncomfortably between Deidara, Itachi and Tobi, she felt another wave of bishie attraction coming over her, and fought it down by reminding herself that her shoulder was shoved into Itachi's sweaty armpit, that Deidara's hand mouth was amusing itself by gobbing on her wrists, and that Tobi could not possibly be a bishie if he had to hide his entire face behind a swirly orange mask.

Ah, said a treacherous little voice in the back of her head, but what about Kakashi-sensei? You know he's really really hot underneath that mask of his.

Shutupshutupshutup, she thought back fiercely, and Inner Sakura stirred. I've never seen what's beneath his mask so for all I know he has a fish face or beaver teeth. Yes, beaver teeth.

Maybe you have a fetish for buck teeth? Sensei, what big teeth you've got …

For a moment, Sakura wrestled with an unholy desire to rip off Kakashi's mask and kiss his beaver-toothed face until her lips were bruised and tingling, and then she succeeded in bundling the thought to the back of her mind where Inner Sakura squelched it flat. That accomplished, she looked around the crowded little house, crammed to the seams with black and scarlet cloaks.

There was hardly enough room for furniture, but there was a chimney in one corner and a desk against the far wall, with a computer on top of it. Three men were fighting for control of the mouse, one of them rattling off a continuous string of swearwords and ignoring the fact that his Akatsuki partner had a hand on tentacles clamped viciously round his throat. The third man, at least, Sakura recognised, but it certainly did not make her any happier, because he was Orochimaru.

"All right, shut up and behave yourselves," said Pain, and all three of them turned round, mutiny written all over their faces. "Are you on YouTube?"

"What do you want to know that for?"

"We're on an intelligence gathering mission, Hidan. If you don't like it, it's tough."

"Well, that's a familiar face," said Orochimaru, smirking across the room at Sakura. "Given up on Sasuke-kun for his big brother, have you?"

"Shut up, you creep!" Sakura growled. "Naruto and I will save Sasuke-kun. I swear we will!"

Pain said nothing, but his calm gaze shifted from one to the other of them, and they both fell silent. "Kakuzu, search for the following videos. If we find one, then we know that this is a crack fic." He handed over a short list of video titles.

Sakura was too far away to read it, but Orochimaru's eyes widened and he whipped back to the screen, his tongue flickering out and darting voluptuously over his lips. Even before his long hair had finished swinging around his shoulders, though, Itachi had hauled him from the chair and knocked his head hard on the desk.

"Hey, hey," Sasori protested vaguely. "I wanted to be the one to do that."

Wordlessly, Itachi let Orochimaru fall to the floor, and the next moment was back beside Sakura, her shoulder wedged into his armpit once again. It was as though he had never moved, and it had happened so fast that Sakura would have thought she had imagined it had it not been for Hidan casually treading on Orochimaru's head as he stole the chair. She swallowed, feeling another dizzy surge of panic rising in her gut. Itachi moved impossibly quickly. He probably moved faster than a Plot Shield.

"Showoff, yeah," Deidara muttered sullenly.

"Found one," said Kakuzu, and clicked on it. "Sasuke x Tentacle."

Sakura did not quite close her eyes fast enough, and nearly gagged. Behind her, Deidara moaned feebly and then buried his face in her hair, making her feel as though she had swallowed a bucketful of ice cubes, because he was far too close and she could feel his breath on her neck. And all the while, Sasuke-kun was screaming and there were horrible slimy noises and Hidan, Sasori and Kisame were making comments like "How the hell does it fit?" and "Zetsu, your camera work is a thing of true beauty" and "You are one sick bastard, Tobi", only she wasn't entirely certain that she had heard the name correctly, because Sasuke-kun was shrieking particularly loudly at that point.

Eventually, there were no more squelching noises, just Sasuke-kun whimpering, and then silence, and a collective sigh of satisfaction and relief. Shaking in every limb, Sakura opened her eyes, looking steadfastly at any place in the room but the computer.

"Impressive," said a deep voice from the doorway. "Where can I get hold of a tentacle like that for Haku?"

"Hey, if it isn't Zabuza!" said Kisame, grinning toothily. "I thought you were dead?"

"Don't ask for logic – this is turning into a crack fic," said Zabuza. A large purple tentacle suddenly appeared at his feet in a puff of smoke, and he stooped to pick it up. "See? Things can only be this arbitrary in a crack fic."

"Wait a minute," said Kakuzu suddenly. "Oxtopuses are hard to come by these days. That's a million ryo for the tentacle, cash only."

Zabuza sighed, snapped his fingers, and a wad of notes appeared in Kakuzu's outsretched hand. "A million ryo it is." A pair of large feathery wings unfolded from his back. "If you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way now," he said, adjusting a soft red hat with white trim and a white bobble where it perched jauntily on his hair. Sakura could have sworn it had not been there a moment ago. "Going to bring Haku an early Christmas present – won't he be so pleased."

With a sweeping downstroke of his wings, he leapt into the air, swooped across the room, and disappeared up the chimney. "I'm smoke!" he called once, his voice hollow and disturbingly ethereal. "I'm smoke rising!"

"What smoke?" called back another disembodied voice from the roof.

"Fig wood," said Zabuza mistily.

"That's the sharpest smoke of all, but you're not getting out. Here's the chimney cover."

There was a thunk, and a moment of silence, and then Zabuza, in far less otherworldly tones, said, "Haku?"

"Yes, Zabuza-san?"

"It's me. Let me out. You're such a sadist."

"Yes, I know that, Zabuza-san," said Haku's voice cheerfully, and the shinobi in the room below heard the scraping sound of the chimney cover being lifted off, the scrabble of Zabuza making his way out the opening, and then silence. A pair of snowy feathers drifted down the chimney and settled on the floor, where they melted like snowflakes.

"What the hell?" said Hidan. "That was some seriously gay shit."

"Yes," said Kisame, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "This is definitely a crack fic."

"So this means that the Theory of Narrative Causality is useless, yeah?" asked Deidara. "What about the girl's Plot Shield? Is it still invincible or can I blow her up _now_?"

Konan looked sharply at Pain. "She has an extremely powerful Plot Shield, which means that she'll probably get out of this story and back to Konoha alive, and you've let her see every single member of Akatsuki?"

Pain's expression did not change one whit as he looked from Konan to Sakura and back again. "Oh, yes, a textbook case of Plot-Induced Stupidity, or perhaps I am holding the Idiot Ball. And no, Deidara, you cannot blow her up, because if this is a crack fic she may come in useful again, and she still has a Plot Shield."

"No kidding," said Hidan, impressed. "That's almost as good as believing in Jashin." He glanced sideways at the list of YouTube videos Kakuzu had left lying beside the mouse and his eyes widened. "Holy shit, Pinky, I didn't know you had a slug fetish."

Sakura's jaw dropped as Hidan drew the computer keyboard towards him and started to type. Deidara was making gagging noises into her hair (well, she'd just have to stock up on shampoo when she got out of this), and Tobi said in a curiously menacing tone, "Does this mean you aren't a good girl? Do you do bad things to slugs?"

"Get your sorry ass over here, Tobi, and you'll get all the proof you need," said Hidan gleefully. "I _love_ crack fics."

xXx

The Olympus massif stood at the north-eastern end of the fertile plains of Thessaly, a great snow-stained range with its roots in the sea and its peaks touching the underbelly of the clouds. A dark blanket of forest was thrown over its steep shoulders, and above the timberline sheer rock faces plummeted into stony gullies and hollow basins of bare earth and shale. Naruto, looking at the higher slopes, was reminded of the descent into the Underworld with all its cliffs and loose screes, only this time they stretched up, up, up into the sky. Unconsciously, he touched the pink stripe on the back of his hand, where he had stabbed himself with the kunai, and his eyes hardened. If Sakura-chan had been hurt …

No, this time he would be strong enough to save her, and he would do it without the Kyuubi. He had trained so hard with Ero-sennin, and for what? He had still failed to save Gaara, still failed to save Sasuke. This time he must succeed, he _must_.

"Oi, Naruto, look where you're going!"

Shikamaru's voice jerked him out of his thoughts, just as he tripped over a large white rock, barking his shin unpleasantly in the process, and fell face first into a tumbled pile of similar large white rocks, with pinkish-purple aconite growing in tangles amongst them. Sai was beside him almost at once, starting to say something about a book, but before he reached the bit about troubled friends and the appropriate strategy to use to comfort them Naruto had rocketed to his feet and had stuck Ino and Chouji between himself and his teammate.

"Whoa, no way!" he said. "I'm quite all right, see, I'm not at all troubled."

Kiba sniggered, and Naruto rounded on him. "I am not troubled!"

"Yeah, whatever," said Kiba dismissively, "but you have pink flowers in your hair."

Reaching over, Ino plucked a blossom from Naruto's head, twirling it between her fingers as she inspected it. Suddenly, her eyes widened in recognition, and she bit her lip. The flower in her hand was trembling, as though caught in a breeze.

"What's the matter?" Chouji asked, concerned. Akamaru, sitting in the palm of his hand, gave three or four quick pats of his tail.

"It – it – oh, it just reminds me of a conversation Sakura and I had years ago," she said, and Shikamaru looked at her sharply, as though he knew she was not really being truthful. "Back in the Academy, before Sasuke-kun and all that, during an ikebana class."

Naruto, finished brushing the aconite from his hair, looked at her gravely. "Don't worry," he said. "We'll get Sakura-chan back. I promise."

"Mokona will help too!"

Ino smiled weakly, reaching up to pat the little white creature on her shoulder. "I believe you, Naruto."

"Heh," he said, grinning. "I always keep my word. Now, hurry up, everyone!" He bounded off again, the others following him, Shikamaru grumbling that the one who was hassling everyone to keep up was the one who had tripped over the rock and made them stop in the first place. Ino laughed at that, made some comment about how Naruto was the same old idiot he had always been, but she could not keep from thinking about the flower she had plucked from his hair.

Aconite. Wolfsbane. The flower that meant danger and a deadly foe ahead – danger for Naruto.

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**Spot the Quote**

(1) Granny Weatherwax comes, of course, from Terry Pratchett's _Discworld_ series. Her scenes are riddled with references to various of the witches books, but the most relevant is _Witches Abroad_, which is about the power of stories: "Stories don't care who takes part in them. All that matters is that the story gets told, that the story repeats." Also in _Witches Abroad_, Granny objects to Magrat's trousers on the grounds that she's "standin' there bifurcated" and that "everyone can see … where her legs _are_". The importance of a witch's hat is also mentioned in the same book. From _Wyrd Sisters_ comes the bit about Granny preventing gravity from seeing up her skirts whilst falling, and, indirectly, the bit about twirling knives and flourishing swords. Granny's finger-snapping teleporting technique comes from the wizard Mustrum Ridcully in _Lords and Ladies_, and the magical ant-powered computer Hex was given its teddy bear by Death in _Hogfather_.

(2) The Theory of Narrative Causality puts in an appearance yet again. For those for whom a refresher course on this theory is necessary, please consult the relevant TV Tropes page.

(3) "He clicked his heels together automatically, and then looked down at his feet, an eyebrow twitching."

Unfortunately, Shikamaru is not wearing ruby red slippers, and he isn't in the _Wizard of Oz_, so he doesn't get to go home, unlike Dorothy.

(4) "The jinchuuriki is surrounded by the virtually impenetrable defence of the Plot Shield. He can't drown, can't be poisoned, can't be crushed, or even bleed to death, all proof that he has acquired either Itachi's Mirror of Yata or a Plot Shield."

The term _plot shield_ refers to the fact that certain characters (such as protagonists) are exempt from death, because the plot demands that they live, even if they get into situations that they cannot possibly emerge from unscathed. Similarly, _plot-induced stupidity_ occurs when a character suffers a lapse of monumental idiocy, simply because the author finds this a convenient way of imparting information or performing actions that advance the plot. _Holding the_ _idiot ball_ is more or less the same thing.

The mirror of Yata, in Japanese mythology, is one of the three sacred treasures of the royal family. The other two are the Kusanagi sword and the Yasakani no Magatama, a necklace of curved beads.

(5) "Sakura was definitely not happy with the idea of further exposure to slash whilst she was so low on tissues."

Well, thanks to _Naruto_ ch. 347 we all know that Sakura is a closet yaoi fangirl.

(6) "She pointed to a small whitewashed house attached to the forge rather like a rubber dinghy might be attached to an ocean liner."

A reference to Plutarch's description of the Theatre of Pompey in Rome, a very large and impressive building behind which the general Pompey built a small villa.

(7) "And be careful with that, Tobi – that's a priceless Grecian urn, which ought to remain to tell future generations that eternal beauty is truth, and truth eternal beauty."

A reference to the last two lines of Keats's _Ode on a Grecian Urn_:

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty, – that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

(8) "Shutupshutupshutup, she thought back fiercely, and Inner Sakura stirred. I've never seen what's beneath his mask so for all I know he has a fish face or beaver teeth. Yes, beaver teeth."

This, of course, comes from episode 101 of _Naruto_. Sasuke, apparently, has a thing for beaver teeth.

(9) "Sasuke x Tentacle."

This particularly squicky … moment must be credited to the Narutofan forums. I think the original comic was called _Two Men, One Tentacle: Madara's Revenge_. Sakura and Katsuyu can also be blamed on Narutofan.

(10) "With a sweeping downstroke of his wings, he leapt into the air, swooped across the room, and disappeared up the chimney. 'I'm smoke!' he called once, his voice hollow and disturbingly ethereal. 'I'm smoke rising!'"

Zabuza and Haku's dialogue, up to Haku putting the lid on the chimney, comes from the Ancient Greek comic playwright Aristophanes' _Wasps_. Old Philocleon, a fanatic juror, is being kept under house arrest by his son Bdelycleon, and he resorts to all sorts of crazy and improbable schemes to get out, including climbing up the chimney.


	7. Wish Upon A Star

Later than I'd hoped, but here's the chapter for July. Inspired by the flashback in chapter 511, where Jiraiya and the Amegakure orphans are in frog suits.

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Wish Upon A Star

It was raining. Rain drummed on the roof of the little house and ran down the window panes in long streaks. It leaked through the damp patch in the ceiling, and splashed down into the little bucket placed on the top of the low table to catch the drops. In a dry corner of the room, a bundle of futons lay rolled up.

Over the noise of the rain came the sound of voices and of footsteps splashing through puddles. The door to the house swung open, and three children entered, followed by a young man. All four were dripping wet.

"I hate the rain," said one of the children, shaking his head so that water droplets flew from his hair. "It never stops."

The young man shrugged. "It's only normal for this area, Yahiko."

"I don't care," the boy groused. "It's soggy and cold and the roof always leaks. I hate this rain and I hate this country. It's pathetic, the way it's always wet. It's like the whole country is a big crybaby, don't you think so, Nagato?"

The other boy sneezed by way of answer.

"You should get out of those wet clothes, kids. I'll get a fire started, and you can dry off and warm yourselves. I'm tired of nursing you through one cold after another. Konan, the fish, please."

"Here they are, Jiraiya-sensei," she said, handing him a makeshift creel. "Do you want any help with them?"

He shook his head. "Go ahead and dry off."

She scampered over to the futons, rummaged around behind them, and retrieved a folding paper screen which she set up in the corner of the room. As she retreated behind it, she turned and glared at the two boys. "_No peeking_," she said sternly, and Yahiko gave a long-suffering sigh.

"You heard her, boys," said Jiraiya.

Both Yahiko and Nagato turned and looked at him, and he coughed. "It's different when you're a grown-up and the woman wants you to peek."

Yahiko gave the fading bruise round his eye a pointed look.

"No more backchat from you," said Jiraiya sharply.

Fifteen or twenty minutes later, the children were warming themselves before Jiraiya's fire, the smells of roasting fish and wet clothes mingling in the air. The rain outside had eased, and the steady _splash_, _splash_, _splash_ of the leak in the roof had grown less frequent.

Jiraiya sat at the low table, pen in hand, a closed book before him. His eyes gazed blankly into the distance, but presently he came back to himself with a sigh, and opened the book, paging through it briskly. Suddenly he stopped, and looked up again.

"Do you three know what day it is?" he asked.

"The seventh of July," said Nagato.

"I thought you kept note of that in your book, sensei," said Yahiko, sprawled on his back before the fire, arms and legs outflung.

"Yes, yes, I do," said Jiraiya impatiently. "But do you know what that _means_?"

The children sat frowning for a moment. "It's your birthday?" Yahiko asked.

Jiraiya shook his head.

"When _is_ your birthday, sensei?"

"Not till November."

"When, exactly?" Yahiko raised himself on one elbow. All three children looked at Jiraiya, clearly interested.

Jiraiya huffed. "That's not important. Do you know what day it is today?"

"The seventh of July," Yahiko told him. "Nagato said so already."

"Oh," exclaimed Konan, hugging her knees closer to her chest. "It's Tanabata!"

"Tanabata?" said Yahiko, and flopped down again. "Some boring old star festival."

"It's not boring," said Konan. "It's a festival about true love." At the mention of true love, Yahiko pulled a face, but Konan, staring into the fire, went on unheeding. "My mother told me the story – how the princess Orihime fell in love with and married the herdsman Hikoboshi, but her father separated them so that Orihime and Hikoboshi can only meet once a year at Tanabata, if the skies are clear and the boatman of the moon can row the princess across to meet her husband."

Jiraiya nodded. "That's exactly it. They grant wishes as well."

Yahiko blew a raspberry. "Don't believe it. Wishes about what? Weaving? True love? Cows?"

"Wishes about your future," said Nagato quietly. His bangs had fallen forward, covering his eyes. "My parents and I used to tie wishes onto bamboo every Tanabata."

"Did they ever come true?" asked Yahiko, sitting up once more, his face flushed from the heat of the flames. "Wishes for happiness and prosperity? Wishes for peace? Look at this country! Look at what happened to us! All those wishes never did us any good."

Seeing Konan and Nagato both shrink into themselves, Jiraiya coughed loudly. "I was told as a child that the wishes would only come true if it wasn't raining, because only then could Orihime and Hikoboshi meet."

Yahiko threw himself back onto the floor. "Of course. It's always raining here, so none of the wishes can ever be heard." He rolled onto his side, glaring at the dripping washing. "I'd wish that it would stop raining and that my clothes would dry. I'd wish for the power to control the rain, to make it stop when I want it to, and when it did rain, it would be the way I could keep the people of my country safe."

Konan smiled at him. "If it stops raining, maybe I'd see a rainbow. I'd wish for a rainbow, to be able to make rainbows. What about you, Nagato?"

The red-haired boy stared at the crackling, leaping flames in the hearth. "I suppose," he began slowly, "I suppose that I'd wish for the power to make peace, but I'd really like to have a dog again. One that wouldn't die like Chibi did."

Yahiko was sitting up again. He was rather like a yo-yo, Jiraiya thought, watching with private amusement. "A super awesome magical dog that would divide into other dogs each time you wounded it," he exclaimed.

"It would be completely indestructible," said Nagato enthusiastically, and then jumped at the sound of tearing paper. The children looked round to see Jiraiya holding up a blank page, ripped from his book.

Jiraiya tore the page into four strips. "All right, you three," he said. "We are going to write our wishes on these and hang them on the bamboo outside."

He handed out the paper, and they wrote down their wishes, passing Jiraiya's pen from one to the other. Once done, they trooped to the door, and looked out. It was still drizzling, but high overhead, gaps were appearing amongst the clouds, and a red sunset light spilled through.

The bamboo grove was very wet. Water dripped off the leaves onto the backs of their necks and ran down inside their clothes, made their sandals soggy. A cool evening breeze had sprung up, and what with the rain and their wet hair and the light wind, the children's hands were soon blued and shivering as they fastened their wishes onto the tallest of the bamboo trees in the grove.

As they went back to the house, they kept looking up at the sky. "D'you think it will be clear?" Yahiko asked nonchalantly, though he could not keep the excitement from his voice.

"It could be," said Jiraiya, opening the door. "This wind could blow the clouds away, and we might have a clear night."

"Orihime and Hikoboshi could meet then," said Konan, and gave a little skip as she went inside. Nagato followed, giving a tremendous sneeze as he crossed the threshold.

"You sound like you've caught cold," said Jiraiya.

"Well, you made us trudge around in the rain," Yahiko muttered. "And my clothes are so wet that there's a puddle forming on the floor."

"Oh," said Nagato, walking over to the washing line. "I'll just use the new jutsu sensei taught me today to dry them. It should be good practice."

About to close the door, Jiraiya swung around, a look of panic in his eyes. "Not in here, Nagato," he said as the boy quickly formed a set of hand seals. "You don't have enough control yet, and the house is made of w-"

His words were lost in Nagato's sneeze and the triple fireball that flew from both his nostrils and his mouth to engulf the washing line, wet clothing and all. Much smoke and shouting and one pail of rainwater leaked from the roof later, the flames had been put out, and the clothes hanging over the blackened line were now both wet and charred.

"Should I have tried the fuuton jutsu instead?" Nagato asked.

"Probably," Jiraiya said. "But I wouldn't attempt it at the moment," he added hastily. "Who knows what might happen if you sneeze then?"

"A typhoon, probably," said Yahiko, gloomily inspecting the remains of his kimono.

"I'm sorry," said Nagato.

Konan put an arm around him and squeezed gently. "It's all right," she said. "And anyway, Yahiko, your Tanabata wish came true. Your clothes did dry."

"That's right," he said, a sudden grin lighting up his face. "A bit drier than I'd hoped, but they did dry."

He darted over to the window. "Look," he called. "The rain has stopped after all, and there are gaps in the clouds!"

Konan and Nagato followed, crowding against him. "Perhaps our wishes will come true after all, and I'll have a rainbow!"

"And I'll have an indestructible dog!"

"And I'll be able to control the rain!"

"No more wet clothes!"

"Actually, what'll we wear tomorrow?"

"That isn't a problem," Jiraiya said, an inexplicably pleased smile crossing his face. "I'll take care of it."

"Really, sensei? That's great!"

"Proper waterproof clothes as well!" Jiraiya said enthusiastically. "Which will help you become great ninja!"

"Wow! Where are they? Why haven't we seen them before?"

Jiraiya shook his head. "Calm down, kids," he said. "You'll see them tomorrow. Right now, I think the fish are done. Who's hungry?"

xXx

Later that night, when the four in the little house were sleeping, the winds blew the clouds to tatters, and the stars shone out, like gold and silver grains of sand high above. The light of the waxing moon turned the wet land to pewter, gilding the bamboo grove where the wishes hung from the tallest of the trees. When the wind blew through the groves, the leaves rustled, and the paper strips danced in the breeze. In the dappled moonlight, an observer might have been able to read the wishes, for dogs and rainbows and dry clothes, and the fourth one, which simply read "Get kids into frog suits".

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**Notes**

Tanabata is the Japanese star festival, held on the seventh day of the seventh month. Since the original Japanese calendar was lunisolar, it is a month behind the Gregorian calendar, so Tanabata celebrations occur from 7 July through to 7 August, depending on the region. The festival celebrates the meeting of the gods Orihime, the Weaving Princess, and Hikoboshi, the Cow Herd Star, represented by the stars Vega and Altair. Konan covers the essentials of the legend in her explanation, though leaving out the bits about Orihime forgetting to weave cloth for her father and Hikoboshi neglecting his cows and letting them wander all over heaven. Hence the reason for Orihime's father getting annoyed and forbidding them from seeing each other more than once a year. Those pesky cows.

The last paragraph also references the Tanabata song, which includes the following lines:

The bamboo leaves rustle, rustle,/shaking away in the eaves./The stars go twinkle-twinkle,/gold and silver grains of sand.


	8. Be There For The Pride

A oneshot that is set pre-timeskip, after the Chuunin Exam, and sort of AU, as Sasuke is still around and Lee isn't on crutches. Chronology, I am afraid, has been sacrificed on the altar of Silly Ideas Which Seemed Good At The Time. In other words, willing suspension of disbelief and all that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Be There For The Pride

(and the cheating)

Nobody was quite sure whose idea it was, or where it had come from, or, most importantly of all, what the jounin senseis had been on when they came up with it in the first place. Something hallucinogenic, no doubt.

"Actually," Neji said, twiddling something small and brilliantly green between his fingers, "Gai-sensei doesn't need to be high on anything to dream up this crazy game." He worked the mouth guard over his teeth cautiously, and smiled a baleful green smile at the other members of Team Gai.

"It is not a crazy game! It is training!" Rock Lee said earnestly. "By the way, Neji, your teeth look great like that! I like your teeth when they are such a bright and attractive green!"

Neji hurriedly spat the mouth guard out again.

"That might be true for _your_ sensei," said Ino, ignoring Lee, "but even _Iruka_-sensei thinks it's a good idea …"

"Somebody must have spiked his sake last night," Kiba suggested helpfully. "During the fireworks or something, when he wasn't looking."

This was a distinct possibility. Fireworks were the least of the excitement at the Konoha Festival. There had been a dance party which had run on into the early hours of the morning, and the air had been filled with enough energy for even Shikamaru to be affected by it. Right now, he was trying to forget the fact that he and Naruto and Sakura had somehow landed up on stage together, dancing and singing a nonsense song about ninja techniques. It had seemed funny at the time, but now he was not so sure. He was also wondering whether any of the others remembered. It would be troublesome if they did.

"It must have been Gai-sensei," said Ino decidedly. "He must have drugged everybody's sake with his secret Potion of Youth. They would never have agreed to this otherwise."

Kiba sniggered, shooting a sidelong glance at Shikamaru. "Seems it wasn't only the senseis who got a taste of it last night." Akamaru yapped in agreement. "Yeah, certain people made fools of themselves in front of our guests from Suna."

"It's not like we won't all be making fools of ourselves in front of Sas- in front of the entire village shortly," snapped Sakura. "I mean, this is seriously the most ridiculous game invented, and we aren't even allowed to use our shinobi skills."

"Aw, come on, Sakura-chan. It's gonna be fun! Right, Sasuke?"

"Dobe." Frankly, Sasuke thought that _undignified_ would be another very good word to describe the game. When Kakashi had described the game to his team this morning, there had been an unholy amount of pushing and shoving and people falling on top of each other in heaps. And worst of all, when you were at the bottom of the pile, you weren't allowed to fight back. Which rather went against every shinobi instinct.

"What, you worried that you won't be good at – _itai_!" Naruto folded up, holding his head.

"Don't you dare say things like that to Sasuke-kun," Sakura growled, and socked him on the head a second time.

"Sakura-chan!"

Shikamaru sighed inwardly. There they went again. The loudest, noisiest, most troublesome team.

Just then, the classroom door slid open and Iruka entered. "All right," he said, grinning. "It's time. I'm going to divide you into teams of seven, and go over the rules. Yes, Sakura?"

"Um, sensei, there are only twelve of us, which means we'll have to split into teams of six."

"Actually, we're here too," came a voice from behind Iruka. "You haven't forgotten your guests from Suna already?"

"Temari-kun and her brothers have kindly agreed to join us for the game," Iruka explained, motioning the newcomers towards a row of free seats. "That brings the total number of available players up to fifteen, so one of you will sit out and –"

There was a heavy thud, and everyone turned to look at Team Eight. Hinata had fallen forward onto her desk, her face pale and eyes closed.

"She's fainted, sensei," Kiba announced.

"Well, that solves the question of who will sit out. Now, let me explain the rules. As I said, you'll be divided into two teams of seven. There is one ball. The point is to score goals, or tries, with the ball, by carrying it over the other team's try line. You may stop players carrying the ball by tackling them and bringing them down to the ground. As soon as you are tackled, you must release the ball – you may place it on the ground or pass it to a teammate _behind_ you. In fact, whenever you pass the ball, you must pass it backwards or to the side, never forwards."

"I see," said Naruto, nodding wisely.

He so does not, thought Sasuke. Total moron. But at least this sounds like the sort of game he'd be good at. And that maniac Kiba too.

Of course, he noted bitterly, once they had all been assigned to teams, it was just his luck to be on the opposite side from _both_ Naruto _and_ Kiba. An Uzumaki tackle at speed was going to hurt. Very badly.

xXx

"Are we ready, youngsters? Are we all fired up with the Springtime of Youth?"

"Ossu!" yelled Lee.

Ino's theory about the Potion of Youth had been all but confirmed when the two teams trotted out onto the playing field and discovered that the referee was none other than Maito Gai himself. Prancing around in his green spandex, he was horrifically enthusiastic about the whole affair, and had managed to hype Lee up so much that flames of determination were pouring from the boy's eyes.

Of course, according to the science of the Narutoverse, the enthusiasm levels of Gai and Lee for any vigorous exercise involving much manly sweating and grunting, whilst bound by an elaborate code of nonsensical rules, were directly proportional to the quantities of distaste experienced by other, more normal humans for the aforementioned exercises. This meant that the rest of the teams were watching the pair with expressions ranging from shock or disgust to, in the case of Neji and Tenten, the resignation born of long experience.

"Can we just get it over with?" Shikamaru asked, watching Temari dragging her team into a group huddle to discuss last minute tactics. He supposed he should be doing something similar, but really, what was the point? "The sooner we start, the sooner it's finished."

"Ah, you are so eager!" boomed Gai. "The passion of Youth! Very well then! Teams, take your positions!"

The young shinobi shuffled forward, forming two ragged lines facing each other.

"Wait!" Gai ordered, holding out his hand. "Let us show some team spirit! We are here for the pride after all!"

"Oh, dear God, not this," muttered Neji. Tenten patted him consolingly on one shoulder.

"Come on, Neji!" said Lee, slapping his hand down on top of Gai's. "Tenten, you too!"

Grudgingly, the two placed their hands on the pile.

"Yosh!" said Gai, and looked around at the rest. "No hanging back now! Show everyone your beautiful team spirit!"

Naruto bounced forward with a grin. "This is so cool!" he said, dragging Shikamaru with him. "Yeah, team spirit!"

"What's _his _problem?" Ino whispered furiously to Sakura. "Doesn't he see how – touchy-feely this is? I'd rather die than join them."

Sasuke stood well back, one eyebrow raised and quivering. Every single atom of Uchiha propriety was ringing all internal alarm bells within reach. Some things were Just Not Done, and this was close to the top of the list.

"Come _on_, Sasuke? What are you waiting for?" Naruto came springing back, and before Sasuke had time to react, clamped onto his arm and hauled him off to join the circle.

Before long, only Gaara was left, watching the others impassively. Gai frowned, and made a harrumphing noise. Gaara blinked once, and stayed put. For a moment, it looked as though Gai was going to order him over too, but then, on second thoughts, he decided not to press the issue.

"Now, everybody, fight!"

"Ossu!" yelled Lee and Naruto. Tenten rolled her eyes. Temari looked scandalised.

"Everyone together, this time! Fight!"

"Ossu!"

Sasuke remained stonily silent. Part of this ridiculous circle he might be, but that was certainly not of his own volition. That total moron. He was going to clobber him after this game. Or stand on his head in a scrum – or was it a ruck or a maul? One of those things anyway, when everybody fell on top of everybody else.

"I can't hear you!" Gai roared, glaring around the circle from beneath his brows. "Another fight!"

The implications were quite clear. This time, all thirteen of them shouted, "_Ossu!_"

"Good! Now we are ready for the kick-off!" Gai lobbed the ball at Lee, who was almost dancing on the spot with anticipation. "Let us play some rugby!"

Within minutes, Naruto had scored the first try of the game. It was possibly the fastest try in the history of rugby. It was certainly the most ridiculous. As Sasuke had suspected, Naruto had a rather limited understanding of the rules. Especially the bit about passing the ball backwards.

"Ah," said Shikamaru as he watched Naruto dive over their own try line. "The number one surprising ninja does it again. Five points to the other side."

Lee converted the try with great enthusiasm, sending the ball flying into the stands and knocking out an unfortunate minor character, who, like all unfortunate minor characters, was drawn very badly and minimalistically, and possibly had lips like a carp or eyes that were perpetually shut, since he was obviously unimportant to the story. As soon as the ball had flown between the goal posts, Temari flashed a grin at Shikamaru, and he sighed.

"This is so troublesome," he said. "Why are my opponents always girls?"

He became conscious of a disturbance behind him, and turned around to see Sakura scolding Naruto. "You complete idiot!" she was saying. "Now they're seven points ahead of us!"

"I won't lose to Sasuke!" Naruto told her. "That's a promise!"

"Idiot," she said, and casually punched him halfway across the field.

xXx

By half time, people were fed up. The game had turned into a fiasco. Gaara had been sent off numerous times for cheating – his sand tended to shove people out of his way when he had the ball. Besides, when Neji had tried to tackle him, the sand had actually attacked him, earning Gaara a full two minutes in the sin bin. Temari had protested Gai's decision, pointing out that the sand shielded Gaara automatically, whether or not he wanted it to, so it couldn't exactly be called _cheating_. This earned a penalty against her team. Shikamaru had then complained that the game wasn't interesting unless the teams were even, until Sakura pointed out that Neji would be receiving medical treatment for most of those two minutes of Gaara's suspension.

And that was the least of it. Ino had refused to pass the ball to Sakura as they pelted down the field, heading for the second try of the match. Eventually, when she saw Temari and Tenten closing in on her, she surrendered the ball – to Sasuke, even though he was on the opposing team. On the other hand, when Sakura got the ball back, every time somebody tried to tackle her, Lee had miraculously appeared in the way so that his teammate took him down instead.

And Kiba had had to be repeatedly stopped from getting down on all fours and chasing the ball like a dog. And using Tsuuga to tackle people. Not that it was exactly a surprise, when you thought about it. Everyone was tired and dirty and extremely disgruntled. Only Lee was showing remotely any enthusiasm, and the others were planning to murder him quietly behind the scenes.

"I swear, if that eyebrow freak gets in my way one more time, I will not _care_ that we are supposed to be on the same team," muttered Kankuro grumpily, inspecting his face paint in the mirror. It had run a little with sweat, and there was a long green grass stain on one of his cheeks from where he had skidded along the field on his face after successfully making an unscheduled tackle on Lee. "Temari, where did you put my purple eyeshadow?"

"I didn't touch it. Anyway, you should look after your things better if you don't want to lose them."

"Oh, is this yours, Kankuro-san?" Tenten asked. "I'm sorry, I thought it belonged to Ino."

Kankuro snatched it back, blushing, and added another rugby teammate to his private Bingo Book.

Across the room, Sasuke was nursing a black eye and assorted bruises. He had been on the receiving end of an Uzumaki tackle after all, and as he had predicted, it had been painful. He was also convinced it was illegal, since the moment he had seen the orange blur launch itself through the air, he had thrown the ball to the nearest person and so had not been in possession of the ball at the time Naruto crunched headfirst into him and dragged him to the ground.

"I was blatantly empty-handed," he hissed at Naruto. "I was holding nothing. _Nothing_, I tell you, and so you had no right to knock me down like that."

"Sorry for not being able to stop in mid-air," said Naruto. "You had the ball just as I jumped. It wasn't my fault that you threw it away just before I hit you. Anyway, it was kinda fun, wasn't it?"

"Ha! Proof of fanboyism!" snapped Sasuke. "I always thought you were gay, Naruto, but now I _know_ you are."

Sakura looked round sharply, and Naruto flushed. "Wh-What? What the heck are you saying, Sasuke?"

"Ever since the day the genin teams were formed, when you – you kissed me, I suspected as much."

"Hey, you were the one who kissed me first, Sasu_gay_!" Naruto was going redder by the second.

"All right, knock it off," said Sakura, her own cheeks unaccountably pink. "Nobody wants to hear _this_ sort of argument. Definitely not. Shannaro!"

All conversation in the room came to a brief lull as Naruto slid down the far wall and settled into a pathetic and concussed heap on the floor. For a moment, Shikamaru wondered if he should do something about it, but then settled back, staring at the ceiling. It didn't matter, really. His team was already dragging by seven points, despite having scored two of the three tries. They were going to lose anyway, so what was the point of making an effort?

Temari walked over to the orange mass that was Naruto and nudged it with one foot. "Looks like he's out cold," she said. "He'll miss the second half – it'll start in less than a minute's time. That quiet girl will have to fill in for him."

Hinata stopped fidgeting with her hands and looked up, appalled. Once she had come round, she had watched the first half of the game, and cringed each time someone had landed up on the ground with the others piling on top of them. Most of her had hoped she would not have to take part, because she knew Neji would see it as an excuse to beat her up again, but a small part of her had been thinking that it might not be so bad.

If she were on the same team as Naruto … She had played the scene over and over in her head.

_She had the ball and was running down the field, with the other team closing in on her. Kankuro was closest, close enough to leap at her, ready to pull her down and rub her face in the ground. And then Naruto was there, between her and Kankuro, his arms stretched out to shield her, his shoulders broad and strong and safe. _

"_Don't worry, Hinata-chan," he said, and the world filled with pink bubbles and roses at the sound of his voice. "I'll protect you with my life. That is my way of the ninja!"_

She sighed wistfully. Even being on the other team would have been all right. She had also had visions of Naruto springing towards her, arms closing round her waist and bearing her to the ground carefully and gently. He would shield her with his own body whilst the rest scrimmaged around them for the ball, and once they had found it and taken off again, he would help her up, apologising for any harm he might have caused her.

"N-n-not at all, N-naruto-kun," she would reply, and he would give her one of his brilliant smiles.

She had been a little worried by these visions, since the small treacherous part of her mind had dwelt for quite a while on the different ways in which she and Naruto could fall together. Some of them had been quite – suggestive. She blamed that on the fact that she had been watching _Ouran High School Host Club_ on television, and had developed an inner mind theatre, just like Tamaki. Sometimes the things that she saw in the private recesses of her own imagination left her blushing and concentrating very hard on the accompanying roses and bubbles. They also tended to give her nosebleeds.

But now she was going to have to play this game without Naruto anywhere on the field. And even though she would be on the same team as Neji, he'd probably still find some excuse to pick on her. For a moment, she stared at Temari in horror, and then her head slumped forward on her chest.

"Ah, she's fainted again," said Kiba. "Don't worry – Naruto's coming round already. Sakura didn't hit him very hard."

"Even if she had, he's already a few noodles short of cup ramen, so it's not like it would have made a difference," said Ino.

Naruto sat up, rubbing the back of his head. "Did anybody mention ramen?" he asked groggily.

There was a small sudden explosion in the middle of the room, accompanied by a cloud of smoke, and a loud, "Are you ready, my dear students?"

Sasuke stifled an involuntary scream. No, no, bloody hell no, he was not ready. He was not prepared to be glomped again by a flying Naruto. Nor was he ready to cope with this spandex-clad maniac running around the field cheering them on with the Power of the Springtime of Youth and positively encouraging them to crash into each other and roll around in thrashing masses on the ground. If Naruto was yet another Uchiha fanboy, Gai was a closet pervert with an unhealthy interest in sexual harassment thinly disguised as sport.

"Time for the second half!" boomed Gai.

Naruto bounced to his feet (like a rubber ball, thought Sasuke – the harder you knock him down, the higher he rebounds) and started stretching exercises. Chouji stuffed one last handful of potato crisps into his mouth, then stashed the packet carefully in his back pocket.

"Follow me!" Gai pumped one fist in the air, evidently so heated by the Flames of Youth that he was not aware that the atmosphere in the room was one that would have given a glacier frostbite.

Right, Sasuke thought as they trooped back onto the field. This time he would not be caught by another damn Naruto tackle, or any tackle for that matter.

Less than a minute into the second half, it was Ino and Sakura's shriek of "Kiba, _no_!" that alerted him to the very definitely illegal Tsuuga-based tackle coming from his blind spot. Thank you, fangirls. He closed his eyes, then, opening them again, looked over his shoulder at the spinning blur a heartbeat away from impact.

A moment later, Kiba plowed headfirst into the ground, and Sasuke was still pelting down the field, the rugby ball tucked into the crook of one arm. There came Chouji, and there Shikamaru, closing in on him from either side, and Neji up ahead. He glanced around. None of his own teammates were close enough for a pass, and he had the distinct impression that the immediate future might just involve an Akimichi, which was definitely _not_ going to happen.

xXx

Lower down the field, Ino and Sakura had finished pounding Kiba further into the ground for trying Tsuuga yet again, and were turning their attention back to the game.

"Kyaa! Sasuke-kun gives me the shivers!"

"He's unstoppable! They just can't catch him!"

"It's like he's predicting their moveme-" Ino paused, frowning, and exchanged a glance with Sakura. "Ahh, umm, I mean he _is_ predicting their movements."

Sakura growled. "Sasuke-kun, you cheat! If you get that ball over our try line by using sharingan, I will bury you!"

Ino was already forming seals. "Well, that settles it. Sakura, take care of my body!"

Catching Ino as she slumped to the ground, Sakura watched with a little smirk as Sasuke skidded to a sudden halt mere feet away from the try line and tossed the ball to a very surprised Shikamaru. As soon as Shikamaru had kicked the ball back down the field, she glanced at Ino, expecting to see her coming back to herself, but she was still limp.

A shadow fell over the two girls, and Sakura looked up to see Sasuke grinning at her. Then he pulled down the lower lid of one eye, stuck out his tongue at her, and, whilst she was frozen with astonishment, took Ino out of her arms. "What, you can't revive me? You're a useless medic nin, forehead girl," he said, cradling Ino's head in his hands. "Sasuke-kun is about to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

"I don't think so!" Sakura yelled. "Shannaroooo!"

A moment later, Ino sat up, rubbing her jaw. "Damn you, Sakura. That hurt."

"Look, I just saved you from molesting yourself, you perverted piglet," Sakura snapped. "Don't you ever try to steal Sasuke-kun's second kiss again. And as for you, Sasuke-kun – eh? What's the rugby ball doing here?"

Stooping to pick it up, she heard the thunder of approaching feet too late, and looked round just as a pack of young shinobi dived on the ball.

xXx

The advantages to doing a kawarimi no jutsu with a rugby ball that had just been kicked by Rock Lee were that it got you far away from fangirls, Sasuke thought. The disadvantages were that it had just been kicked by Rock Lee, and now that he had worked out its airspeed velocity, it really wasn't all that surprising that he seemed to have caught fire. Damn friction-induced flames and damn Rock Lee and damn the fact that he was going to land up in the stands in the lap of a (blue? Was he really blue?) guy who looked like he'd just escaped from the aquarium. Well, to hell with it. He might know some good suiton jutsu that could put out the flames.

xXx

Sakura was rapidly coming to the conclusion that rugby was worse than Twister when it came to awkwardly intimate tangles. There were far too many people sprawled around and on top of her, and certainly too many hands groping blindly for that damn stupid ball. In fact, she was starting to suspect that at least one pair of hands was no longer groping for rugby balls, because –

"Whoever thinks they have hold of the rugby ball, they don't," she announced. "And if they don't let go in a moment, they will regret it."

"Ah, y-yes, I did think that it was a bit on the small side," said Neji's voice, sounding rather flustered.

"Small!" Sakura shrieked. "Whoever is on top of me, get the hell off and let me at him!"

"No can do," said Shikamaru's voice, rather muffled. "Chouji's on top of _me_."

"Sorry," said Chouji.

"Can't you get up?"

"Um, not until whoever is standing on my scarf gets off."

Sakura huffed, and then stiffened as hands came down again to scrabble for the ball. "Neji, is that you?"

"Yes. Um, this isn't you is it?"

"No, it's _me_!"

"Oh, sorry, Tenten. Um, who is this?"

"Ino."

"Oh, damn. Is the ball down there or not?"

"Look, Neji, you could make this so much easier for everyone if you just used your byakugan."

Shikamaru clicked his tongue. "Oy, Sakura, that's cheating."

"Sasuke-kun was using the sharingan earlier on – or didn't you notice? I think Neji is entitled to use his bya– no, that's _not_ the ball, take your hand away, you pervert – as I was saying, I think Neji is entitled to use his byakugan to level the playing field."

"Doesn't Tenten have any objections?"

"No! Neji, I swear if you grope my butt one more time, I will emasculate you with the bluntest weapon I can summon from my scrolls. Now just use your byakugan to find the damn ball."

xXx

Yes, the guy was blue, and yes, he did have a suiton jutsu handy to douse the flames. Sasuke was thankful for that at least, even though he wasn't entirely certain that he approved of the fact that this sharkman had just vomited the water all over him. But the shock of the cold water was as nothing next to the shock he received when the sharkman's neighbour leaned forward in his seat and pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"Foolish little brother," he began, and then paused, as if at a loss for words. "Foolish little brother," he tried again, "I had lost all hope for our pathetic clan years ago, but now I think I have just lost it all over again, after what I just saw …"

"After what you just saw? Bullshit. You can't see worth a damn," snapped Sasuke. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

There were two quick cracks. "None any longer," said Itachi, removing his glasses and putting them into their case.

"That's because you just broke them, you bastard."

Itachi sighed as he slipped the glasses case up the sleeve of his cloak, and the tomoes in his eyes dilated and merged. "Foolish little brother, you are weak. Why are you weak? Because you lack – dignity. For the next seventy-two hours, you will watch yourself playing rugby."

"You son of a - aaaargh!"

xXx

Temari sat up, straightening the hem of her dress, which had been rucked up round her thighs by her tackle on Shikamaru and their subsequent fall. The game of rugby had seemed like a harmless gesture of goodwill when she had heard about it this morning, but right now it was definitely climbing the ladder of inappropriate acts, currently being poised somewhere between mildly suggestive contact and public indecency.

"Are you all right?" she asked Shikamaru, who was still prone on the ground.

"I've been better."

"You know," she said casually, "Neji really is amazing at finding the rugby ball at the bottom of these pile-ups."

"Yes, he is," Shikamaru said, flopping onto his back and squinting up at the clouds.

"It's just _uncanny_ how he knows exactly where it is every time."

Shikamaru sighed. "I knew it. Explaining this is going to be troublesome."

Temari snorted. "Don't bother." Hands on her hips, she stalked off. "Kankuro!"

Presently, Shikamaru sat up. Good, he thought. Now that both teams were committed to using ninja techniques, the game was much more interesting. And he was interested to see how a puppeteer would cheat.

xXx

Naruto was enjoying himself. He couldn't think of a game more fun than this one. He had tackled and been tackled so many times that his clothes were no longer orange, but a mixture of grass stains and dirt streaks. He was bruised all over, and had grazed one elbow and most of his chin, his lungs were burning as he sprinted towards the try line, and he had a serious exercise high from the sheer excitement. Best of all, Sakura-chan had just thrown him the ball and was cheering him on as he dodged Shino and surged forward.

Suddenly, his foot shot out from under him and he flipped backwards, the ball flying out of his arms. "Where the hell did that come from?" he yelled, sitting up and rubbing the top of his head.

Sakura watched grimly as the ball arced gently across half the playing field and landed in Kankuro's hands. "The other side is _cheating_," she told Naruto. "First Sasuke-kun, and now Kankuro-san."

"Sasuke cheated?"

"Hell yeah, he did. He was using the sharingan to avoid tackles."

"Sasuke!" Naruto scowled. "How could he cheat like that? When I get hold of him, I'll – I'll – where is Sasuke, anyway?"

xXx

_Thud._

Sasuke collapsed on the floor, his eyes glazed, a small trickle of saliva running from the corner of his mouth.

"You see?" said Itachi, nudging him with his foot. "It was absolute _torture_ to watch that. Kisame, we're leaving now. There's no point watching any more of this nonsense."

"You really have no mercy," Kisame said as they stood up. "You didn't go easy on him, even though he's your little brother."

Itachi nodded, fishing in his cloak. Drawing out a handkerchief, he mopped his eyes, and then blew his nose loudly. A worn photograph, dislodged from his pocket by his search for the handkerchief, fluttered to the ground.

"Sinus problems?" Kisame asked sympathetically, picking up the photograph and carefully keeping it face down as he handed it back to Itachi.

"…"

Since teaming up with Itachi, Kisame had become highly skilled at understanding Significant Uchiha Silences. This one suggested that it would be a mistake to comment on the writing inked neatly across the back of the picture. He liked his sanity, and really did not want to spend the next three days imagining he was sushi. Nevertheless … "I'll always be there for you, because that's what a big brother is for"?

xXx

A wild glance around the field, and Sakura realised that Naruto was right. Sasuke was nowhere to be seen. He hadn't been badly injured, had he? No, she would have noticed the medic nins trotting on to the field. Come to think of it, he had vanished just after Ino had released her shintenshin no jutsu. Had she seen him since then?

"He isn't here," said Naruto. "Sakura-chan, he's really not here!"

"Calm down. I'm sure he's all ri–"

But Naruto was already churning up the field, ready to latch onto the first person he came across and ask them the all-important question. "Hey, Shikamaru! Have you seen Sasuke?"

"No, but if you just look for Ino and Sakura you'll find him. They're practically superglued to him anyway."

"Aww, man! Ok, thanks, bye! Kiba! Kiba! Kiba-a-aargh!"

Lifting himself up on his arms, Kiba looked down at Naruto sprawled on his midriff, growling. "Damn it, you moron, you're not supposed to tackle your own team!"

"Listen, Kiba, I need you to find Sasuke. Right now. Can you smell him out for me?"

"What the hell has this got to do with anything?"

"Just do it, please!"

"No freaking way! And get off my legs!"

"Fine then, be like that!" Naruto snapped. "Some teammate you turned out to be." He jumped up, then ducked as the rugby ball flew over his head towards Kankuro yet again.

Neji rushed past them, muttering something beneath his breath, and then sprang into the air, making a slicing motion with his hands, and caught the ball as it stopped in mid-glide and plummeted towards the ground. Somewhere in the dim recesses of Naruto's brain, a light bulb flickered, once, twice, and then burst into the glorious incandescence of a sixty watt bulb running on a power supply of two hundred and forty volts with an output of six hundred and eighty lumens, or roughly the amount of light produced by fifty-four candles.

"Neji!" he shouted, and ran after his teammate. "Neji, can you use your byakugan to find Sasuke?"

Neji reflected on this for a moment. He wouldn't mind knowing Sasuke's whereabouts, especially since the last time he had seen him he was flying through the air with his pants on fire.

"Neji!"

"All right. Here, you take this."

"Neji, you're the man!" said Naruto, grinning, as he caught the ball.

A moment later, Neji pointed off to the right. "He's in the stands up there, back row, on the floor. There are two guys in black cloaks with red clouds with him. One of them looks a little bit like a shark …"

Naruto felt as though he'd just swallowed a bucket of live coals. "Them!" he snarled, and his pupils narrowed to slits. There was a throbbing in the air around him. "Beating up Sasuke again! Well, this time I'll stop them!" With a surge of chakra to his feet, he was off, his hair rising and eyes reddening.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" yelled Gai, as he appeared behind Neji in a puff of smoke. "No ninja techniques are allowed in this game! I am awarding Team Temari a penalty against Team Shikamaru for blatant use of the byakugan!"

"But Team Temari cheated first!" Ino protested. "Kankuro was using his puppet jutsu to control the ball!"

"Then I award Team Shikamaru a penalty against Team Temari!"

"Neji was using the byakugan before Kankuro used his jutsu!"

"Then I award Team Temari a second penalty against Team Shikamaru!"

"Sasuke-kun used his sharingan first! He started it!"

"Then I award Team Shikamaru another penalty against Team Temari!" Gai looked darkly at the young shinobi clustered around him. "Are there any more complaints? No? Yosh! Lee! Get ready to convert the first penalty for Team Temari!"

"Um, this may be troublesome, but where's the ball?"

"Oh, Naruto had it last," Neji said, and pointed away to his right. "He should be somewhere over there by now."

"Uzumaki Naruto!" Gai boomed. "Come back at once!" He waited a second, and then, when Naruto showed no signs of slowing down, let alone turning around, took off after him himself. And because Gai-sensei had told him to convert the first penalty, Lee followed him, and because Temari was damned if Team Shikamaru was going to score a try, she followed Lee, and because Temari was yelling instructions to her team, they ran after her, and because Team Temari was chasing Naruto, Sakura and Ino and Kiba and Chouji were determined to stop them, and because everybody else was running, Neji and Shikamaru looked at each other, thought, "What the hell", and ran after them.

Naruto, now streaming red chakra, heard the thunder of feet behind him, and looked round to see Comet Gai with an attendant tail of junior shinobi speeding after him. Thinking that they wanted to stop him from fighting Akatsuki, he flicked through a set of seals, dropping the rugby ball in the process, and there were suddenly half a dozen new Narutos rushing back towards Gai. Then he sprang on, scaled the wall in ten or twelve great bounds, and landed in amongst the startled spectators.

"I'm coming, Sasuke!"

Even in his catatonic state, Sasuke could hear Naruto's voice, and, as he had just spent three days in his head watching Naruto almost pulling his shorts off as he bore him down to the ground in a thumping, bone-jarring tackle, the sound dashed over him like a bucket of cold water.

Going from coma to all four cylinders in a fraction of a second, he rocketed to his feet, glaring wildly around for an escape route. The next moment, Naruto, travelling too fast to stop, crashed into him, and the two went tumbling head over heels, fetching up against the back wall.

For a moment, they lay there, panting and bruised, and then Sasuke, feeling very bitter about seventy-two hours of Uzumaki tackles, punched Naruto as hard as he could.

"Hey! What was that for?" Naruto yelled, picking himself up. "I came to _save_ you, you ungrateful bastard!"

"The only person I need saving from around here is _you_, you total moron!"

"Fine!" Naruto shouted, and thumped Sasuke back. "If that's how you want to be –"

xXx

Gai knocked the head of the last kage bunshin against the wall and it vanished with a pop and a puff of smoke. He had been taken aback when they changed into attractive naked young women who came skidding in to deliver the Uzumaki Rendan whilst he was preoccupied with his nosebleed and the revealing properties of spandex, but he really hadn't expected the one that snuck round behind him and tried to use A Thousand Years of Pain on him. He hadn't had a call that close for a while.

"Now, my adorable students," he boomed, turning back to the game. Most of the boys were stuffing tissues up their noses. "An extra penalty against Team Shikamaru for Uzumaki Naruto's unprovoked attack on the referee. Lee, are you ready? Good! Now, where is the ball?"

It was lying next to the wall, where Naruto had dropped it. As Gai looked, a skein of sand drifted around it, lifted it, and bore it back to Gaara's waiting hands.

"Very good, Gaara-kun," Gai said, gracing him with his largest, most twinkly smile. "If you'll just give it to –" His voice tailed off in the face of Gaara's dispassionate stare.

Temari and Kankuro knew that look, and they began to back off, step by step. The air was uncomfortable, pricking, saturated with chakra and drifting grains of sand. By now, every eye was fixed on Gaara and a perfect quiet had fallen over the field –

"Take that, dobe!"

A _perfect_ quiet, unbroken by any sound –

"Right back at'cha!"

So absolutely still that –

"You total moron!"

So silent –

"Who's the weak one now, little Sasuke?"

"Don't get so cocky, Naruto!"

"Sasuke!"

"Naruto!"

Well, every eye was fixed on Gaara, even if every ear was not, and Gaara's eyes were fixed on Gai's, and Gai felt a bead of sweat collect at his temple. The sand had thickened in the air around him and Gaara, and for a moment it hung there, suspended. Then a steady stream of sand began to flow out from Gaara.

The others watched in morbid fascination as the sand lapped layer upon layer, forming a cocoon. Then Gaara moved, lifting one hand. The mass of sand began to rise, and Gai gave an anguished cry.

"No, Gaara-kun! Stop it! Please don't!"

The chakra in the air was gathering, compressing, focusing.

"Gaara-kun!"

"Sabaku sousou!"

"_Noooooo_!"

When the tatters of rugby ball stopped falling and Kakashi had escorted a weeping Gai off the field, it was agreed that the game was over and need never be mentioned again in Konoha.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Notes**

This was the first part of the entire fic written, inspired by the sight of a rugby match on television, and so it is purely coincidental that I happen to have uploaded it a month before the World Cup. The title, however, is taken from the official video for the World Cup (not the bit about the cheating, though). As for the rugby terms that are mentioned, Iruka explains tries well enough. A scrum, however, is a formation of players which comes down to a pushing match between the forwards of both teams, who try to gain possession of the ball by kicking it backwards towards their team members waiting behind them. If you are a tighthead prop in the scrum, you run the risk of cauliflower ears, the result of "having your head rubbed between your teammates' thighs" (in my father's unforgettable words). As for rucks and mauls, rucks involve players piling one on top of each other (though you have to join the ruck in the right order and with the right number of arms around your teammates), whilst mauls are a bit like group wrestling with complicated rules about where your teammates are, forward momentum, and what the ball is doing. All very confusing, but entertaining to watch. In small doses. Oh, and the rugby played in this oneshot is not the standard game, played with fifteen to a team, but sevens, with only seven members on each team. Which means the rules are adapted somewhat. This should make it all as clear as mud.

The song about ninja techniques that Shikamaru, Naruto and Sakura sing is the Naruto Ondo, easily found with the aid of Google. It is full of puns. You have been warned.


	9. Chapter Four: Rising Action

Back to the plot at last. About time too.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chapter Four

Rising Action

Hidan was no longer as taken with the internet as he had been a few moments ago. It was not that the video of Sakura and Katsuyu was not loading. He had already learned that in such instances, simply refreshing the page tended to do the trick. This was a new problem and did not go away when he refreshed the page.

"This video is not available in your country due to copyright restrictions? What the hell?"

"Google it," said Zetsu. "There are … ways around this."

Hidan looked suspiciously at him. "I don't like the way you said that. What's wrong with these ways around this stupid copyright?"

White Zetsu pursed his lips primly, whilst Black Zetsu said, "They're illegal."

Hidan sighed. "We're a group of S-class missing nin. Every last thing we do is illegal." He opened a new tab and started to type laboriously, with two fingers, muttering as he went: " … crappy video … your piece of shit country …"

"It's Tobi's influence," said Deidara. "Tobi is a good boy, yeah, and he was Zetsu's subordinate before he joined us, so it's only logical that Zetsu is in danger of turning into Aloe Vera."

"No shit," said Hidan absently. "He's all green and save the planet. Damn tree hugger. Hah – found a download."

Sakura shifted uneasily, wondering if she could persuade Deidara to let her go. His hand mouth, evidently bored, was alternating between drooling and gnawing her wrists, and it was really starting to gross her out. Besides, it wasn't like one lone girl and her Plot Shield could do much in a room full of Akatsuki, especially when the Theory of Narrative Causality was making her appreciate how manly a blue sharkman with gills on his cheeks might be – and there was that insidious little voice inside her head again. No, wait, she snarled at herself, kill that thought right there. It was a train of speculation that she Did Not Want to pursue, and one which lacked even the logic behind bishie attraction.

A sudden burst of profanity came from Hidan as he started to install his completed download and found the screen display flipped. "What the _fuck_ is this?"

Zetsu had a virtuous expression on the white half of his face. "It's a virus," he said. "You'll have to reformat the hard drive now to get rid of it."

Hidan turned a baleful eye on him, but before he could even open his mouth, Pain gave a small, dry cough, and all attention instantly snapped back to him. "We have now established beyond a doubt that this is a crack fic," he said. "However, I have observed that there are signs of the crack tendencies weakening in the vicinity of the Konoha party. What started out as a light-hearted story is showing signs of suffering from the Cerebus Syndrome."

"Sounds nasty, yeah," said Deidara. "Is it catching?"

Sakura rather hoped it was, if it meant that the Theory of Narrative Causality was working for Naruto and the others.

"It may be," said Pain. "You see, the Cerebus Syndrome infects light-hearted comedic works, turning them darker, more dramatic, and possibly – at its most extreme – even angsty. And thanks to the internet we have all seen examples of ourselves in angsty fan fiction."

A collective shudder went through the Akatsuki members gathered in the room.

"Some of us, I know, are angst-ridden characters even in canon," Pain went on. "However, it is no reason to allow _this_ story to take a more serious turn. We shall fight the creeping spread of this syndrome, in order to retain our advantage. This requires us to act in a merry and frivolous fashion, and to spare no thought for our dignity."

A certain frigid disapproval entered the air, and the temperature dropped noticeably. Little ferns and stars of frost began to plaster themselves to the insides of the windows and to the computer screen. Sakura, on the other hand, had to bite her lip to keep from sniggering as Pain continued outlining his plan in his emotionless voice. The idea of Akatsuki deliberately going out of their way to make fools of themselves was simply too ridiculous to even be imagined, especially when the one proposing this grand strategy sounded as though he wouldn't be able to spot a sense of humour even if it were labelled and dancing stark-naked in front of him wearing a tea cozy.

"So, to conclude," Pain said, "I suggest we all take lessons from Tobi, who is, after all, an expert in this field."

There was a further drop in the room temperature, and one or two snowflakes started to drift down from the ceiling. Mutiny was writ large on every face, in glowing pulsating capital letters, but Pain, despite his all-seeing rinnegan, did not seem to notice. Nor, of course, did Tobi.

He bounded into centre stage, flourishing a whippy stick. "Hello, everybody!" he said brightly. "The first thing I am going to teach you is my special filler-only jutsu – ninpou, mogura tataki no jutsu!"

A moment of profound silence descended. Then:

"There is no way I am playing whack-a-mole, yeah!"

"Yeah!" came half a dozen echoes from as many recalcitrant S-class criminals.

Tobi sighed. "I had hoped not to have to do this," he said, his voice completely altered, "but you leave me no choice." He seemed somehow to loom, and the air in the room thickened ominously. It was utterly still, so still that Sakura could hear the muffled pounding of her blood in her ears. "I will give you one last chance." He paused, and then into the taut quivering quiet that had seeped into every atom of the room, his words came dropping slowly. "Do you want Tobi to be a good boy, or a bad boy?"

Sakura's skin was prickling, clammy. The silence that had fallen felt like the calm before the storm, heavy and sullen, with pulses of electricity crackling through the air. To break it – and to break it with the wrong words –

Tobi gave a cackle of laughter, and everybody jumped, except Pain, who was as wooden as ever, and Orochimaru, still comatose on the floor. "Tobi will be a good boy, then!" he said. "Now, I shall demonstrate my mogura tataki no jutsu!"

The next moment, the floor beneath his feet gave way, and he disappeared in a clatter of falling rubble and a pother of plaster dust, only to reappear an instant later, breaking through the floor directly in front of a startled Konan, who dissolved into a cloud of paper butterflies. Within seconds he had Akatsuki quite literally on the hop, appearing from the floor, the walls, the ceiling, anywhere one of the increasingly flustered and irate shinobi were standing. When he shot up beside Deidara and Sakura, brandishing his stick, Deidara's hands flew straight to his clay pouches, and in that split-second, Sakura realised she was free, and sprang clear. In all the confusion, no-one seemed to notice her, nor the fact that Tobi had left a neat hole in the wall through which she could see the broad streets of Olympus. In a trice, she had dived through the gap, and was outside, skidding on hands and knees across the marble paving stones.

Scrambling to her feet, she broke into a run, determined to put as much distance between herself and Akatsuki as she could before they realised she had escaped. No doubt they would expect her to go back to the House of the Interesting Frescoes, since she knew that part of Olympus, but, she thought as she ran, they knew it all far better than she did, so there was nothing to lose by heading in the opposite direction. Perhaps somewhere she would find a way off this damn mountain top, preferably one that involved neither freefall nor flying horses. A vantage point might help with that, and it looked as though there was one very large building on the top of that enormous sheer-sided rock from which she would have a commanding view of Olympus.

She could see that the road that led to it snaked back and forth across the hillside, climbing through groves of silvery olives and dense clumps of flowering oleander, white and pink. It winked in the sunshine – marble all the way, she guessed, and as her feet kept slipping and sliding on the paving, it would probably be quicker and easier to cut straight across country. She would also be less visible in the cover of the trees, and it could not be long before somebody noticed her absence.

She did not see the paper butterfly flitting amongst the flowers on the verge of the road.

Dodging in amongst the olives, she took off uphill. The trees were not big enough for her to go leaping from branch to branch, so she had to keep to the ground, face whipped by leaves, twigs catching in her hair. Outcroppings of treacherously smooth rock broke through the soil in places, and she stumbled and fell three or four times, but still there was no sign nor sound of pursuit.

As she approached the summit of the hill, the great shining white cap of rock rising high above it, the ground grew rougher and more broken, and when the road crossed her path once more, she decided to follow it the last few yards to the top. To her consternation, it led to a gate that was firmly shut, and sitting in front of it – her heart sank at the sight – yes, there, sitting in front of it was Kakuzu, whom she thought she had left behind with the others. He was working through a general ledger, and did not look up at the sound of her footsteps.

"No admittance to the Acropolis without a ticket," he said, scribbling figures down in the columns of the ledger. "Tickets cost two million ryo, and though they say they're valid for the Temple of Zeus, the Agora and various other places where rows of small walls can be found, that's not how it works whilst I'm raising funds for the Rosy-Fingered Dawn Foundation (LLC)."

He was paying her absolutely no attention, and she started to back quietly off. If she could just slip away unnoticed, she could surely scale the sides of the Acropolis with a little help from her chakra.

"We specialise in catching and sealing monsters away, which is a necessary public service in this day and age, and like our competitors Heracles and Theseus, we offer this vital service free of charge. However, please do support our cause by –"

Step by slow step, Sakura backed away, off the path, back into the trees. Treading lightly, trying not to snap any dry twigs underfoot, she was just about to turn around and start running again, when she felt with every fibre of her body that there was someone right behind her, and she checked. Slowly, slowly, she turned, and came face to face with Uchiha Itachi.

This was it. This was her bid for freedom over. For half a moment she thought of simply giving in – what was the point of resisting? – but then a flush of fierce anger went through her. She had sworn to get stronger, so that she was no longer the useless girl that Sasuke and Naruto and Lee had had to protect. She would not go down without a fight. Even if her taijutsu was useless against the sharingan, she would try, and a pulse of determination went through her, and her chakra started to gather in her fist.

Suddenly, Itachi looked up, and before she had time to take advantage of his momentary distraction, he sprang backwards, just as someone smashed through the branches of the olives and landed almost exactly where he had been standing. There was a small explosion, and Sakura scrambled for balance as a crater opened up underfoot, a figure straightening up in the midst of the swirling dust, the long ribbons of his forehead protector fluttering wildly around him.

"Don't you dare touch Sakura-chan," Naruto ground out through clenched teeth.

Once the first fleeting shock had passed, Sakura realised that they were now two on one, and that if Naruto could just keep Itachi's attention, she could attack from behind, and then she and Naruto could make their escape. Of course, Naruto would probably not work out what she was trying to do, but provided she kept her teammate's idiocy in mind, everything would work out in the end. After all, they were both equipped with Plot Shields.

"Fuuton: Atsugai!"

Oh, right. She'd forgotten about Kakuzu.

The wind was on them with a roar, whipping up a stinging cloud of dust, lashing the trees, tearing leaves from their branches, buffeting and blinding, snatching the breath from their mouths. Crouching behind the bole of an olive, out of the brunt of the wind, Sakura could only shield her face with her arms and hope that Naruto had made it to safety as well. As soon as the jutsu had passed, though, she looked up to see him still standing in the crater, cloaked in red, and a pang of fear went through her. Without Yamato-taichou here, if the Kyuubi shroud formed, he would be unstoppable – and she never wanted to see that happen again, never wanted to see Naruto lose himself to the bijuu within.

"Naruto!" she shouted.

"Don't worry. I'll protect you, Sakura-chan," he said.

She could feel his chakra swelling and growing – oh, the idiot, the _idiot_! He would only alert the rest of Akatsuki as to his whereabouts, and even a Plot Shield would be hard put to it to match eleven deadly shinobi. If she grabbed him now and they made a break for it, perhaps they would get away. Yes, that was the best strategy they had. She would just have to make sure neither Kakuzu nor Itachi could follow them straight away.

Straightening up, she reached into her little hip pouch, fingers closing on a smoke bomb. Now to get hold of Naruto.

As she started out from behind the tree, she half-glimpsed a blur of motion from the corner of one eye and ducked, so that Kakuzu's fist went sailing over her head. Acting on reflex, she sent a rush of chakra to her own hand, and smashed the ground beneath their feet, forcing Kakuzu to spring back. He was forming a seal even as he landed, this one for a katon.

She threw the smoke bomb at once, hoping to spoil his aim, and then swung round to find that Naruto was no longer in the crater. Of course. Trust him to go after Itachi, which was about the most unproductive course of action possible. "I am going to _kill_ you when I find you, you idiot!" she growled.

At which point there was a belching surge of flame off to her right, a great billowing fireball rising and expanding through the olives. Tree after tree caught, and in instants a vast swathe of hillside was burning. Curls of ash began to fall like grey snowflakes, and a cloud of pink-stained smoke started climbing into the sweltering sky. Just her luck. A suiton would be handy, but she didn't know any suiton jutsu herself, so there was only one thing for it – to run like hell.

xXx

With a wild yell, Naruto rushed Itachi, a rasengan spinning on the palm of his hand. Face impassive, Itachi stood his ground until the last minute, then stepped to one side, thrust a kunai into the boy's ribs, and with a flick of his wrists, cast a pair of shuriken at the two other kagebunshin attacking from behind. All three burst in a puff of smoke, and Naruto, watching from the shelter of the trees, slammed his fist against the trunk of the olive beside him.

"Not again!" he snarled. "One more time!" He started to form the kagebunshin hand seal, and then his eyes widened as Itachi, out in the open, scattered into dozens of crows. "Damn!" he said, spinning around.

Itachi was watching him from deeper in amongst the trees. "Uzumaki Naruto," he said evenly, "I want you to come with me."

"Like hell I'm going to!" Naruto said, reforming the seal. "Kagebun-"

"I am not here to fight you. I am here to help you."

"To _help_ me? Yeah, right," Naruto scoffed. "You think I'm some stupid kid who's going to believe you?"

"No, I do not," he said, and raised one hand. "If you won't listen, though –"

"I'm not falling for that again!" Naruto growled, and doubled behind the tree, disturbing a paper-white butterfly from the long grass. It fluttered around his face for a moment, then settled on the trunk, and slowly raised and lowered its wings. "Kagebunshin no jutsu!"

There was an explosion of flame higher up the slope, and the bottom seemed to drop out of Naruto's stomach. That was where Sakura-chan was – someone must be attacking her, even though he thought he had drawn all the danger away from her. There must have been someone other than Itachi up there.

He could not afford to waste time here – he had to protect Sakura-chan. He had failed with Sasuke, would have failed with Gaara too, had it not been for that old woman. He could not fail a third time: he must save Sakura-chan.

A quick boiling rage was mounting inside him, surging higher and higher with each stroke of his heart, and with it came a flush of the Kyuubi's chakra, so that his hair rose and his pupils contracted, his eyes growing bright and furious. He would use a bunshin feint followed by the oodama rasengan to finish Itachi off, and then he would be free to search for Sakura-chan once more.

He was just about to send the bunshin out to face Itachi when he saw, on the open hillside below him, another shinobi in the familiar black and red cloak, approaching fast and heading straight for his hiding place. Damn it. Now he really was caught between a rock and a hard place.

xXx

Leaping from rock to rock up the slopes of Olympus, Shikamaru could only hope that Naruto would manage to stay out of trouble just long enough for the rest of them to get there. He already had a number of plans of action tentatively worked out, based on his predictions of the sort of story they might be in, but even so he would still need to assess the situation. Damn Naruto for being so hasty and for rushing ahead like that, and damn this troublesome Theory of Narrative Causality.

Ahead of him, Kiba was evidently having difficulty keeping Akamaru zipped into his jacket. The little white dog was still fixated on Chouji, and Kiba was taking it badly. He was so preoccupied with his dog that Shikamaru was having serious doubts as to whether he was even keeping a lookout for the enemy. Fortunately, though, he was not their only surveillance specialist, and Sai and Hinata at least were doing their jobs.

Glancing up at the ink bird planing overhead, riding the updrafts, Shikamaru pressed two fingers to his radio transmitter. "Sai, what's the situation?"

"All clear. No enemy activity on the slopes."

"How much further do we have to go? And can you see Naruto at all?"

"You have about five hundred metres to go before you reach the bridge. As for Naruto, I cannot see him, but a firestorm has just broken out close to the very top of the mountain."

Shikamaru sighed, and lifted his hand from the transmitter. "How troublesome."

Bringing up the rear, her byakugan active and scanning the terrain behind them, Hinata bit her lip. Naruto-kun was facing these S-class missing nin all by himself. He had always been so brave, determined to the point of foolhardiness, and now he was in terrible danger. She might not be strong herself, but even though she was unable to do much, she would do all she could to help him.

Her chin lifted and there was a steely glint to her eyes. Wait for me, Naruto-kun, she thought. I'm coming.

xXx

Sakura dodged behind the bole of an olive tree as another blast of wind came roaring over the hillside, fanning the flames of the fire raging through the olive groves. The heat was tremendous, her skin damp with sweat and grimed with falling ash, and now that she was further away from the fire, the air was thick with smoke and bad to breathe. She was holding a handkerchief over the lower part of her face, but she still kept coughing and choking.

As soon as the wind died, she started running again, heading downhill, away from the flames. She had thought she was supposed to be a hostage – since when was it standard practice to try to roast hostages instead of using them as bait? And what had happened to her Plot Shield? And where the _hell_ was Naruto?

Through the trees ahead, she caught a glimpse of an Akatsuki cloak and she doubled behind another trunk, heart thumping, breath coming in sobbing gasps. Peering between the branches, she strained her eyes to see which member it was – Itachi! Then her total moron of a teammate could not be far away.

And speak of the devil, there he came, stepping defiantly out from behind an olive somewhat further down the slope, a fuuma shuriken in hand. Oh, no, he was not going to take Itachi head-on; not even _he_ could be that stupid. With the sharingan, predicting the trajectory of a shuriken would be easier than graduating from the Ninja Academy. Naruto must surely have some other plan up his sleeve.

Though, she thought to herself, Itachi did not seem to be aware of her presence. If she could steal up on him, she might be able to temporarily stun him, and then it would be back to Plan A – grab Naruto and run like hell.

Softly, softly, creeping, creeping, she slipped out from her cover, gliding as quietly over the ground as she could. Her feet brushed against the white flowers of the columbine that twisted itself amongst the rocks. Darting from one tree to the next, she worked her way quickly and quietly to a hiding place within a few feet of where Itachi stood motionless, awaiting Naruto's attack.

She had barely reached it when Naruto launched the shuriken at Itachi. Just as she had expected, he moved ever so slightly so that the shuriken flew past him – and stepped directly into the path of a second shuriken, hidden in the shadow of the first. The shadow shuriken technique! In the next instant, the second shuriken burst with a puff of smoke, and there was Naruto instead, tackling Itachi and bearing him to the ground.

Suffused with delight, she started from her hiding place, just as Naruto and a large log thudded to the ground, and the blood seemed to turn to ice water in her veins. Kawarimi! But she had not even seen him make the seals – how had he even had time to react?

She paused, glancing all around. There was no sign of Itachi anywhere, but she knew he must still be close by. If he was nowhere to be seen on the surface, well, she might as well check underground, even though she was fairly certain that Itachi was not a doton user. After all, she had a tradition of punching holes in the houses of the gods and breaking up the Olympian landscape to maintain.

As the earth tore apart beneath her fist, toppling trees and dislodging rocks, she observed three things, firstly, that the Naruto that had attacked Itachi was actually a kagebunshin, secondly, that Itachi was not hiding underground, but, last of all, Tobi was.

"Ninpou, mogura tataki no jutsu?" he asked hopefully when he saw Sakura glaring down at him.

"Oh, I'll play whack-a-mole with you," she said grimly, and snapped off a bough as thick around as her waist from a nearby tree. "Shannaroooo!"

xXx

As his kagebunshin stepped out to confront Itachi, Naruto turned his attention to the rapidly approaching shinobi on the slopes below. He had never seen this one before, and had no ideas as to his abilities, but as every single Akatsuki member he had encountered had had some dangerous techniques, he was certain that this one would as well. The best strategy would be to send out three or four bunshin to skirmish with him, and to use them to gain firsthand knowledge.

In moments, four Narutos were converging on the Akatsuki member from different directions. At the sight of them, the missing nin checked and stood where he was, waiting for them. So, was he a close-range specialist like Neji, or as confident and expert a fighter as Itachi?

One of the kagebunshin reached into his kunai holster as he ran, hooked a knife out with one finger and spun it to get a comfortable grip, then cast it with deadly accuracy at the waiting shinobi. A heartbeat of time later, there was some great invisible pulse which flattened the grass in a wide circle at the shinobi's feet, and all four kagebunshin were flung violently backwards. One of them crashed into a tree and burst, and as the bunshin's experience flashed through his mind, Naruto frowned.

That had felt like some sort of force field, some repulsion technique like Neji's kaiten, or perhaps more like his vacuum palm. So it was going to be difficult to get close to this one, the worst sort of match-up for a close-combat brawler like himself. Some sort of long-range jutsu would be useful, but he did not have any. Think! There had to be some way of coming to grips with his opponent. There had to be some weakness to the jutsu.

The remaining three kagebunshin were trying again, one of them closing in from the front while the other two stayed back to make a rasengan. As soon as it was complete, they split up and began to circle around, to get behind the missing nin and attack from his blind spot whilst the first bunshin kept his attention. It was not a bad plan, and perhaps it might have worked, except their opponent slipped a sharp-ended black rod from the sleeve of his cloak and stabbed the first bunshin as soon as he came in range, dispelling the technique, and then used another of those strange pressure waves to blast the other two to pieces.

"Uzumaki Naruto," he said, in a flat, expressionless voice. "Will you face me and learn the true meaning of Pain?"

xXx

Sakura was growing increasingly annoyed with Tobi's stupid techniques which had her jumping from place to place, smashing the bough down as hard as she could, until the ground was so torn up and full of craters that there was no way anybody could use a doton to hide any longer. Of course, nobody had told Tobi that, and he kept popping up unexpectedly, giving little false squeals of surprise and alarm. Damn him for being so energetic.

"Just – stay still – so I – can hit you!" she panted.

"But being hit by Sakura will hurt," said Tobi, and dived back underground.

The problem was their difference in speed. Tobi was like liquid mercury, trickling in and out of the ground in the blink of an eye, and she should never have broken off this damn branch, because it was too damn heavy for her to move fast enough with it. All right then. She should simply jettison it, and punch Tobi hard enough to send him into the middle of next week. Next chapter. Whatever.

Dropping the bough, she waited for him to emerge again, circulating chakra throughout her body, ready to move in any direction. And there it came, the aggravating sound of the earth collapsing into rubble. Spinning on her heel, chakra visibly streaming from her fist, she drew back her arm and let fly with a tremendous punch. She did not feel the shock of connection, but Tobi still went sailing backwards through the trees, screaming gleefully. It sounded suspiciously as though he were shouting something like, "Behold the Uchiha Art of Run!" but his voice was distorted by the Doppler effect, so she could not be certain.

Now to find Naruto – _again_.

She had retraced her steps almost all the way to the place where she had watched Naruto fighting with Itachi when Deidara jumped lightly out of the trees and landed in front of her. "Get out of my way!" she snarled and hit him.

"Hey, I wasn't going to blow you up, yeah," he said, dodging her fist. "It's just that Leader-sama said we should follow the crack fic, and the crack fic tells me I should be making out wmmmfghhh –"

"Hell no!" Sakura shouted, cracking her knuckles ominously as she stood over the fallen heap that was Deidara. "The next perverted suggestion that comes out of your mouth will get you beaten to a pulp. Am I clear?"

Deidara blinked a little groggily, one hand pressed to his reddening and swollen cheek, and then a slow sly grin stole over his face. "Very clear, yeah," he said, "but" – he made a hand seal – "Sakura, you wouldn't punch me, would you?"

Damn. He really didn't need to use _that_ particular henge.

"You wouldn't punch Sasuke-kun, would you?" he asked, getting slowly to his feet. The intense dark eyes fixed on hers were so familiar, and she felt a pang deep within, her throat tightening with grief and longing. "Not your beloved Sasuke-kun?"

He was so close to her that she could hear the whispering of his breath, and her skin tightened over her arms. But he was not Sasuke-kun, and even if he were, even if Sasuke-kun himself were standing here before her, she owed him one for knocking her out the night he left the village.

There was not enough space for her to hit him, so she resorted to another, time-honoured strategy that needed no chakra to augment its crippling capacity, and kneed him in the groin. Sasuke gave a howl, and doubled over, clutching himself, and she brought a fist down hard on his head, springing away as he dropped the henge.

"You bitch, yeah!" Deidara yelled after her. "That's it, I'm done with this crack fic. I'm going to blow you up and be done with it, yeah!"

"Yeah, you do just that," she called back.

"Stop mocking me, yeah!" He thrust one hand into his clay pouch, tearing off a lump of clay, and hurriedly sculpting it into the shape of a small bird. As soon as it was done, he tossed it at the girl's retreating back, and it took off, racing after her faster than she could run. A bright gleam came into his one visible eye as he formed the seal that would detonate the clay, watching and waiting and building up chakra until the bird was flying right behind her shoulder.

"_Katsu_!"

xXx

Naruto picked himself up again, bruised and scraped all over from skidding along the ground. Bunshin diversions did not work, but thanks to them he had learned that although Pain could use his repulsion technique multiple times in quick succession, it was not instantaneous. There was a window of time, so brief as to be barely noticeable, in which he could not use the jutsu at all. Somehow, he needed to exploit that, needed to find a way of striking in that instant when Pain was vulnerable. There had to be a way to catch him off-guard.

"Uzumaki Naruto," said Pain, "you cannot defeat me."

"Heh!" Naruto wiped his face on his sleeve. "I won't give up that easily."

"Do you understand what sort of a story we are in?"

Naruto shrugged. "The old hag didn't say."

"Then I shall tell you. It is a crack fic, and you cannot defeat me in a crack fic."

Understanding dawned in Naruto's eyes. "Oh, so it's one of those per-persycho-something stories." He laughed. "Then I'm fine."

Pain raised one hand. "Give up," he said. "You cannot defeat me."

Naruto grinned. "It's you who should give up making me give up," he said.

The next moment, there was a deafening explosion from just within the trees, making Naruto stumble. In that fleeting, flashing second, Pain lifted his hand, and Naruto felt a sudden irresistible tug, a pull rather than a push. Caught unprepared, he struggled against it, trying to hold himself in place with chakra, but the force was too strong, and his feet went out from underneath him and he went flying helplessly towards Pain, towards the black metal rod that the shinobi had slipped from the sleeve of his cloak.

There was a sickening tearing noise as the rod caught him just below his collarbone, and then a blinding burst of white pain as it punctured deeper. His vision jolted, and a pair of enormous blue-grey eyes seemed to loom over him, sending his chakra wild. His knees were unstrung, and he dropped to the ground before Pain, unable to move, unable to breathe, to think, to see, his whole mind taken up by those vast eyes and the burning of the chakra swirling through his body.

He could not give up here. He must get up, must keep fighting.

It seemed that no sooner had he thought this than the erratic movement of his chakra quietened and his vision returned. It was as though the full force of his enemy's mind was no longer bent on him. With an effort of will, he raised his head. It was not Pain standing before him.

"I won't let you lay another finger on Naruto-kun!" came a girl's clear voice, and at the sound of it, a shock went through Naruto.

"Hinata!" he exclaimed. "Hinata, what are you doing here? You're no match for –"

"I know I am being reckless, Naruto-kun, but I will not go," she said, her voice firm, steady, no hint of a stutter.

He pushed himself upright, shaking all over and frantic to keep her out of the way. He did not want her to be another victim. Beyond her, he could see Pain watching, not a flicker of emotion on his face, not anger, not annoyance, not impatience nor curiosity. "Get away from here, Hinata! He'll kill you!"

Her stance shifted, one foot sliding forward, her weight evenly balanced. He could only see her back, but he knew that she must have activated her byakugan. "I'm not afraid to die protecting you," she began, "because I l-"

Before she could finish, Pain raised his palm and a tremendous, focused shockwave surged out from him.

"_Hinata!_"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Spot the Quote**

(1) "Tobi is a good boy, yeah, and he was Zetsu's subordinate before he joined us, so it's only logical that Zetsu is in danger of turning into Aloe Vera."

An obvious reference to Naruto's awesome "Yo, Aloe Vera!" quote, in _Naruto_ ch. 395. And yet another occurrence of Zetsu's memetic "Tobi is a good boy".

(2) "'We have now established beyond a doubt that this is a crack fic,' he said. 'However, I have observed that there are signs of the crack tendencies weakening in the vicinity of the Konoha party. What started out as a light-hearted story is showing signs of suffering from the Cerebus Syndrome.'"

The Cerebus Syndrome is another term taken from TV Tropes. Pain explains it adequately enough, however, to not need another definition of it down here.

(3) "The idea of Akatsuki deliberately going out of their way to make fools of themselves was simply too ridiculous to even be imagined, especially when the one proposing this grand strategy sounded as though he wouldn't be able to spot a sense of humour even if it were labelled and dancing stark-naked in front of him wearing a tea cozy."

See Ron Weasley's "Percy wouldn't recognise a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy", _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_.

(4) "The first thing I am going to teach you is my special filler-only jutsu – ninpou, mogura tataki no jutsu!"

Thank episode 134 of _Shippuuden_ for this.

(5) "Tickets cost two million ryo, and though they say they're valid for the Temple of Zeus, the Agora and various other places where rows of small walls can be found, that's not how it works whilst I'm raising funds for the Rosy-Fingered Dawn Foundation (LLC)."

Eddie Izzard is responsible for "rows of small walls". "Rosy-Fingered Dawn Foundation (LLC)" amuses me greatly, for reasons that some might consider obscure. In both the _Iliad_ and the _Odyssey_, the epithet of Eos, Dawn, is "rosy-fingered" – which lands up being a vaguely appropriate translation of _Akatsuki_, which means "dawn", and contains _aka_ "red". And LLC? It stands for Limited Liability Corporation. And of course, they do specialise in catching and sealing monsters. If the monsters are already sealed in other people, too bad for them.

(6) "Fuuton: Atsugai!"

This, and all Kakuzu's other techniques, are taken from the manga. The Naruto and Itachi fight makes references to their encounter in ch. 366, as well as the shadow shurikens used in both the Zabuza and the Pain fights in chh. 14, 15 and 433. The Naruto and Pain fight is full of references to the manga version (chh. 430-442).

(7) "Behold the Uchiha Art of Run!"

The Uchiha Art of Run was a popular jutsu attributed to the Uchiha on the Narutofan forums.


	10. Fireworks

Same AU as Bonds and Vandals and Fangirls, except Team Seven is about twelve or thirteen here. Yay for confusing chronology and one-shots arranged completely out of order.

Based on a true story.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fireworks

Letting the door fall to behind her, Sakura pulled off her gloves, blew on her fingers for warmth. It was a raw October day, and the air had an edge to it that had left her cheeks burning and hands aching and clumsy. And now her nose was dripping. She dug into her shoulder bag for tissues, but to her disgust, there were none to be found, only the scrap of paper with the book title and reference number. Oh well. She would just have to sniff. At least nobody else was in the library to hear her.

The toxicology book she wanted was on the lower level, with the other old and lesser-used works. Sakura had always liked the library basement, with its warm, musty scent of old books, its quiet broken only by the hum of the air conditioning system. Sometimes she came downstairs simply to stand in the middle of the shelves and listen to the silence, pretending that the books were alive and that if she listened hard enough, she would hear them whisper. Today, though, the hush was broken by her sniffing, and she went straight to the poisons section.

Of course her book would be on the very top shelf, and of course it would be the really small one wedged in between two large leather bound volumes, and of course the step ladder would be missing, and of course the shelf would be so full that it was almost impossible to pry the book loose. It was so full, in fact, that the librarians had been unable to fit the last book in, and left it on top of the bookcase. Fantastic.

Standing on the tips of her toes, arm stretched so high that it pulled her muscles, she scrabbled at the spine, trying to hook her fingers over the header cap so she could dislodge the book. It was so – damn – securely – stuck – and it wasn't – going – to come free –

Braced against the lower shelves, she gave a tremendous tug, and the book popped out from its place, coming loose with such a rush that she stumbled back a step, and the bookcase itself wobbled. The last book, the one that the librarians had not been able to fit in, slid to the edge of the shelf, trembled there for a moment, and then tilted beyond the point of no return.

Sakura dived for it as it plummeted towards the floor, snatching it out of midair. She would have to find the stepladder to replace it – there was no way she was going to reach that high again. Hell, her arm felt as though it had come half out of its socket after all that stretching. Rotating her shoulder, wincing at the little clicking noises it was making, she looked down at the book she had just caught, wondering what it was.

It looked old, yet it did not seem to have been used much, if at all. The spine was uncreased, and there was no title on its cover to give a hint as to what its contents might be. When she tried to thumb through the pages, she discovered that they were still sealed together. So it had never been opened before. She would be the first one to read it. At that thought, her heart rose for a moment in her chest, tapping at her breastbone, a thrill running over her arms and down her back.

Who knew what this book contained? Perhaps it was some lost work of a great author, perhaps it was some revelatory treatise on science or medicine or – or philosophy or something. Or – and here she let her imagination run wild in the whispering silence of the library – perhaps it was a cursed book that burned out your eyes or could never be put down. Or perhaps it sucked you into its pages and into another world, or perhaps if you read it, you died a grisly death on the night of the full moon.

The air conditioning stuttered, shaking her out of her flight of fancy. No, it was probably just an ordinary book, she told herself. Still … it was tempting, and she was undeniably curious …

Right. She'd take it home and read it there.

xXx

"Hey, Sakura-chan, what's this?"

Looking up from the little fire, she saw Naruto waving the mystery book in one hand, a packet of marshmallows in the other.

"What were you doing looking through my things?"

"Well, you said you had more marshmallows in your bag so I went to get them and –"

"Idiot! Give it back!"

The boys had been waiting for her outside the library, Naruto as loud and hyperactive as always, Sasuke standing with his hands in his pockets, looking bored.

"Hey, Sakura-chan, you know about the fireworks tonight? Me 'n' Sasuke are going to watch them from his place – he's got a great view, and we'll roast marshmallows and everything. Want to come?"

Well, it was Sasuke-kun's place, and this was almost as close as she'd ever gotten to an invitation from him, so she could put up with Naruto for one night. Except, a small voice in the back of her head reminded her, Naruto wasn't the problem. It was the risk of setting off one of the many diabolical traps that Sasuke-kun's elder brother had laid around the house, with their entangling wires, exploding tags, and showers of kunai and shuriken. All, apparently, designed to allow Sasuke-kun to practice his ninja skills at home.

"Itachi won't be there," said Sasuke, as though he had read her mind. "He and my parents are going to the festival grounds."

And so she had agreed to go, forgetting the book at the bottom of her shoulder bag until now.

"It's just a book," she said, jumping up and snatching it from Naruto.

"I can't turn the pages," he said. "Whaddaya want a weird book like that for?"

"Not your business," she told him as she sat down beside Sasuke again, putting the book on the stone coping surrounding the fire pit.

"She's right, idiot," said Sasuke, not taking his eyes off his marshmallow as he held it over the flames.

"Who're you calling an idiot?" Naruto bristled.

"I would have thought it was obvious."

"Look," Sakura said hastily. "The fireworks are starting."

"Cool!" Naruto dropped down beside her, opened her packet of marshmallows and helped himself to a fistful. "Want one, Sakura-chan?"

"No thanks," she said primly and shifted towards Sasuke. "And keep your hands off my book. They're sticky and you'll make it dirty."

"Aww, come on, Sakura-chan."

"Hell, I said _no_, Naruto!"

"Will you two shut up? You're being annoying."

It was impossible to expect Naruto to sit still for long, though. As the fireworks rose and burst overhead, he started to fidget, rocking restlessly from side to side. A moment later, he jumped to his feet.

"I have a brilliant idea!" he said. "Let's make our own fireworks!"

"Hn," said Sasuke as Naruto jumped up and ran back into the house.

"He's such an idiot," said Sakura, stealing a look at Sasuke. He was watching the fireworks, but as though he felt her eyes on him, he turned and looked at her, and she felt her face heat up, and not from the fire.

"No, he isn't," Sasuke said.

"Er – what?"

"He's not an idiot."

"Oh," she said, and flushed again.

"Yeah, here I come!" Naruto charged out of the house, throwing himself to his knees before the fire. A box of matches tumbled from his arms, and Sakura sighed, looked over at him.

"You don't really mean that you're going to make fireworks, do you? Wait, what's that? Are those firelighters?"

"Yes," he said, tossing four or five sticks into the flames, then sitting back on his heels and taking the lid off a bottle of purple liquid. "And this is methylated spirits," he said, sloshing it over the fire.

"Oh my God, stop that, you idiot!" Sasuke yelled, sitting up in alarm.

"I dunno, this must be a dud," Naruto said. "Nothing's happening. Let's give it a bit more." He upended the bottle, and let the rest of its contents spill out. The stream of spirits was still in the air when the wind gusted, and then a sheet of flame leaped up, rushing back up towards the bottle and belching out across the stone coping. For a split second, Sakura simply stared at the wall of fire racing towards her, and then she thrust herself back, scrambling away from the flames as fast as she could.

It was all over in an instant. As the wind dropped, so the fire shrank, settled back into the circle of stones. Naruto was grinning from ear to ear, miraculously unscathed, even though the empty bottle of methylated spirits was a mess of melted plastic in his hand. Sasuke, on the other hand, was sucking a burnt wrist and swearing.

"You total moron," he said.

"I _said_ I'm sorry, Sasuke, but whose fault is it that you're such a dumbass? I mean, seriously, who sticks their hand into a raging fire?"

"Fuck you."

Sakura had to bite her tongue to stop from giggling. Pressing the tips of her fingers into the corners of her eyes, she drew a steadying breath, and then, once she was sure she could trust her voice, she stood up. "Sasuke-kun, that burn doesn't look good. I'm going to get some ice for you."

As she went into the house, she heard Naruto say, "Uh oh," and she turned at the horror in his voice, half expecting to see Sasuke collapsed on the ground. Instead, she saw, for the first time, the little handful of flames dancing on the coping where she had put the mysterious unread, and now never to be read, book.

"Naruto, you _idiot_!"


	11. The Bet

Set in the same AU as Bonds, and Vandals and Fangirls. Probably best read together with them, as it concludes the pseudo three-shot.

And, like Fireworks, based on a true story. The bet was real.

**Warning:** mild adult humour. Proceed with caution.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Bet

"I so can do it!"

"You'd never dare."

"Hell, yes, I would!"

"It wouldn't work, Ugly –"

"You shut up, Sai!"

"– you're too flat."

There was a moment of silence, and then Naruto threw himself in front of Sakura, just as she lunged at Sai. "Sakura-chaaaaan," he sang out, giving her his biggest and most brilliant smile. "Sai didn't mean to call you a freak of nature. Besides, I think you're just fine fla-aaargh!"

"Don't come up with names on your own! Idiot!" Sakura growled, shaking a limp and unresisting Naruto like a ragdoll.

"But I didn't! _Itai!_"

"Sai didn't call her a freak of nature, dobe," said Sasuke, looking studiously down into his mug of tea and pretending not to hear the sounds of wanton and brutal violence happening right at his elbow. "That was you."

"You coward," said Naruto. "You're only saying that because you don't want her to demolish you with her monstrous str-owowowow!"

"Monstrous?" Sakura snarled. "I'll _give_ you monstrous, Naruto!"

A bored expression on his face, Sasuke sipped at his tea, while Naruto described a leisurely parabola across the room, fetching up between the door and a low teak table on which his mother's favourite vase stood. Although he had been concerned for a few moments that he might have to rescue the vase, he had to hand it to Sakura. She had been punching Naruto for so many years now that she had the trajectory down to a fine art. Though, he reflected, if the vase had been in danger and he had saved it, his mother would definitely like him better than his brother then. His eyes unfocused as the scene unrolled in his mind, Itachi downcast and sulking, their mother all smiles for him and him alone. There would be extra tomatoes on his plate at supper, and –

"Sasuke!"

Jerked out of his reverie, he turned around to see Shisui looking through the _noren_ curtain across the doorway. Sakura stopped pummeling Sai abruptly, and gave a nervous, fluttering laugh.

"Hello, Shisui-san! I thought you were away on a mission," she said.

So did I, Sasuke thought, fixing Shisui with a baleful expression. A long, _long_ ANBU mission with Itachi, that would have kept the two of them out of his hair for several weeks. Shisui might not have the same coldly sadistic streak as Itachi, but he certainly knew how to get under Sasuke's skin. He was too cheerful, for one thing. Uchiha were not supposed to be cheerful. And he teased him. Sasuke did not like to be teased.

"Mission complete, so here I am," Shisui said as he stepped into the room, letting the noren fall to behind him. "Ah, it's good to be home again. But what's this?" he asked, prodding the huddled heap that was Naruto with one foot. "Hey, Itachi! Your little brother has been redecorating the house! With orange rugs!"

Oh. Damn. If Shisui was back from his mission, that meant –

"It's only to be expected from one so foolish," said Itachi from the doorway, his eyes moving over the suddenly tense occupants of the room.

Team Seven had been terrified of Itachi since their genin days, thanks to the Incident Involving Explosions and Kunai and Irreversible Trauma. Naruto in particular had never gotten over it. Now, whilst he gibbered and Sakura did a passable imitation of a deer in the headlights, Sasuke levelled a glare at his brother. In terms of heat generated, it was on a par with a grand fireball, but, to Sasuke's great disappointment, Itachi appeared to be fire-resistant.

"Frankly, Sasuke, your taste in upholstery leaves something to be desired," said Shisui, treading casually on Naruto on his way to the table and ignoring his muffled squawk of protest. "What are you eating? Rice balls? Just what I wanted!" He bit into one, grinning. "They're actually edible – do you want one, Itachi?"

"No thank you," said Itachi. "Don't blame me if you get indigestion later."

Sakura gave a small offended huff, modulated very carefully so that it would not reach Itachi's ears, and Shisui turned to her, all smiles. "You made them, Sakura-chan?" he asked. "No wonder they taste so good! Have you ever tried Sasuke's cooking? You need a stomach of cast iron to survive it. He makes lovely potatoes when camping – all crispy-charred on the outside and raw on the inside."

"I'm on a team with him _and Naruto_," said Sakura pointedly. "I know exactly what they're capable of."

Sasuke felt vaguely indignant at her words. So what if he had got impatient and tried to hurry up the cooking with a katon jutsu that one time? He'd been twelve! And now, even if chargrilling was his speciality, at least everything was cooked all the way through. Besides, he had memories of Sakura setting a tea towel alight when boiling an egg. That, as far as he was aware, was almost as bad as burning water.

Itachi had yet to move from the doorway, but when Sakura mentioned Naruto, his gaze travelled down to the boy on the floor. Sasuke, still glowering at him, saw a flicker of amusement pass through his brother's eyes, and he felt a momentary pang of pity for Naruto.

"I see that the children have been fighting again," Itachi observed. He crouched down beside Naruto, a look of concern spreading across his face. Sasuke fought down the impulse to be sick at the unnatural sight of his brother displaying compassion. "Are you all right?" he asked, shaking him gently.

Naruto lifted his head. "Whassat?" he said, sitting up and looking around muzzily, and then his eyes focused on Itachi. A visible surge of horror shot through him, the sort that started at the feet and travelled all the way to the top of the head, leaving him rigid and pale with terror.

"Ah, Naruto-kun, I'm so glad you're all right," said Itachi, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Naruto looked anything but all right. "I thought I might have to resuscitate you" – he leaned towards Naruto, who in turn leaned as far back as he could, and lowered his voice, speaking in tones of melted chocolate – "mouth to mouth."

Naruto swallowed audibly. "N-n-n-no, It-ta-tachi-san," he said. "I am quite all right. Totally all right. I totally don't need to be resuscitated."

"Are you sure? You must have received a serious blow to be knocked unconscious like that."

Naruto shook his head frantically. "No, no, it was just a bit of fun, that's right, just a bit of fun, wasn't it, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura and Inner Sakura had been watching Naruto and Itachi speculatively, Inner Sakura making gleeful comments on the potential of the scene and observing how damn hot Itachi was, so could she just imagine the sheer nosebleed-worthy smexiness of the man without his shirt on? So when Naruto turned his big blue eyes on her in a pleading puppy dog look, the first thought that crossed her mind was that he was most definitely the uke.

"Ugly is thinking about yaoi," said Sai, and Shisui raised one eyebrow.

"I didn't know you were into that sort of thing, Sakura-chan," he said.

"I'm not!" she said, blushing furiously. "I'm totally not! Er, _anyway_, Sai's a fine one to talk! He's always going on about – about –" She faltered, suddenly remembering that Sasuke's extremely hot but extremely scary older brother was also in the room, and went an even deeper crimson.

"About what?" Shisui asked, sidling closer to her. "Come on, you can tell me, Sakura-chan."

"About penises?" Sai said. "Well, it's true that Naruto's –"

"Somebody shut him up!" Naruto howled, before remembering that Itachi was inappropriately close and freezing again.

"Oh, but I would like to hear what Sai-kun has to say," said Itachi, touching one finger to Naruto's lips. Sasuke was sorely tempted to burst into laughter at Naruto's expression.

"No, no, you don't," Naruto whimpered, leaning even further back, as though he were attempting to pass under a very, very low limbo pole. "It's totally untrue."

The look Itachi directed at Naruto was so sultry that Sasuke was convinced for a moment that his brother was lying bound hand and foot somewhere whilst an imposter used a henge of him to seduce Naruto. He was fairly certain that his brother had no hormones whatsoever, probably the result of him being a cyborg rather than an actual human, even though his mother had told him that such speculation was arrant nonsense.

"Then shall we go somewhere more secluded to discover the truth?" Itachi suggested.

That was evidently the final straw for Naruto, and he executed a shunshin so fast that Sasuke had to wonder for a moment if it hadn't perhaps been hiraishin instead. He was fairly certain that Naruto had not placed any seals on him, though he did make a mental note to check his clothes as soon as he could get away from the whole annoying lot of them.

"Let go, dobe," he said, trying to shake Naruto off his arm.

"Keep him away!"

"Nii-san, stop harassing my teammate," he said, sounding as bored as he could.

"I was only concerned for his health," Itachi said gravely. "Are you certain you're all right, Naruto-kun? You seem to be gibbering."

"I'm totally all right!"

"Are you sure? As an ANBU captain I know some first aid –"

"If I need medical help, I'd go to Sakura-chan here!"

"That's right," said Shisui, smacking one fist into the palm of his other hand. He turned back to Sakura, eyes wide and guileless. "Sakura-chan, I think I was gravely injured during the mission – could you give me a physical? I'm sure there are plenty of empty rooms in the house at the moment where we could go for a little – privacy. Sasuke's bedroom, for instance."

"Ewww! No! Hands off Sakura-chan, you pervert!" Naruto yelled, all thoughts of Itachi forgotten. "Tell him he can't do that, Sasuke!"

Sasuke, for his part, looked as though he had bitten into a tomato only to find half a worm inside it.

"So, how about it, Sakura-chan?" Shisui asked, ignoring Naruto's outrage. "I've got this terrible pain, and –"

Sakura gave him her sweetest smile as he leaned over her. "I have good news for you, Shisui-san. Your injury doesn't appear to be all that serious. I think you'll live."

"But you haven't even looked at it," said Shisui accusingly.

"Trust me. I'm an expert," Sakura told him. "But if you're that worried, I'll prescribe you a course of my special soldier pills, the ones I made for Naruto when he was developing the rasenshuriken."

Sakura's soldier pills were infamously inedible, and Shisui stepped back, grimacing. "Ah, I think I'll pass on those, thanks."

"They're very healthy, you know," Sakura said persuasively. "Highly restorative. And they're especially good for your stamina. You can keep going for several days on just one of them."

"Really?" asked Itachi, giving Naruto a suggestive look.

Naruto yelped and shrank behind Sasuke, fastening onto him like a limpet. "Save me, Sasuke," he moaned.

"I've already told him to stop harassing you," Sasuke muttered. His sharp ears had caught the sound of the footsteps in the corridor outside, and he really wanted Naruto to relinquish his death grip before anybody else saw them and got the wrong impression. His parents, for one, had been making comments for months now about how _close_ he and that nice boy Naruto-kun were. "You know anything I say will only make him worse. And let go of me."

"But – but – but – don't you _care_ for me, Sasuke?" Naruto asked plaintively. "I thought we were friends."

"Yes, yes, you are my closest friend, now just let go!" Sasuke hissed. The footsteps were coming closer and closer.

"I knew it!" Naruto crowed. "You heartless bastard, you really do care for me after all!"

Whoever was outside was very nearly at the doorway, and Sasuke decided it was time to take drastic action. One quick full-body chidori was all that it took for him to free himself from Naruto, who yelped and sprang back as the electric current passed through him.

"You bastard, what was that for?" he yelled, and punched Sasuke. Out of a mixture of shinobi reflex and old habit, Sasuke punched back, and in a matter of moments the two of them were grappling with each other on the floor.

"You're just embarrassed that you said it," Naruto panted as they rolled over and over, each trying to choke the other, "but I knew you'd admit it eventually!"

"I never admitted anything," Sasuke snarled. "I'd be quite happy to put a chidori up your ass, if it would make you shut up!"

"That's just your way of expressing affection, you emotionally retarded moron. Come to think of it, it's probably some sort of sexual wossname – metafloor, something like that."

"It's a metaphor, you idiot, not a metafloor. And, no, there is nothing phallic about a chidori."

"So you're also thinking about its great penetrating power? Oh – er –"

Taking advantage of his distraction, Sasuke planted one foot in Naruto's stomach and used it as leverage to flip him over his head. The crash he made as he hit the floor was immensely satisfying, but the satisfaction was not long-lived as Sasuke somersaulted to his feet and turned to see two things that made his face pale. Firstly, standing in the doorway were his parents, his father frozen with one hand holding the noren above his head, and second, Naruto's fall had knocked his mother's vase off the low teak table, and it was falling as though in slow motion. In front of his mother. And it was his fault.

He was going to kill Naruto for this.

And then there was a movement too fast for the eye to follow, and Itachi had plucked the vase out of mid-air.

Ok. He was going to bake Naruto to a crisp with a katon, ram a chidori up his ass in a completely non-sexual way, and _then_ kill him. Whilst imagining it was Itachi all the while.

"Sasuke!" said his mother in shock. "What is going on here?"

"Foreplay," said Shisui cheerfully. "Apparently Sasuke has a burning desire to penetrate Naruto with his –"

"That's quite enough, Shisui," said Fugaku sternly. "We don't need to hear the details."

Naruto sat up, cradling his stomach gingerly. "It's not – like that – I swear," he said between gasps for breath. "It was – just a – bit of fun."

Mikoto looked from him to Sasuke, who was still struck dumb with horror, and smiled. "It's all right," she said. "I've been wondering how long it would be before the two of you came out and told us."

"Before the two of us –" Naruto began, and then bolted to his feet, gesticulating frantically. "No! No! We're totally just friends! There is absolutely nothing going on between Sasuke and me!"

"That's right," Sasuke croaked, finding his voice again. "I would never, ever go out with Naruto, because –"

"There's something wrong with his penis," Shisui chirped up again. Fugaku looked as though he had just swallowed a lemon whole, and Mikoto covered her mouth with one hand. If the situation had not been so dire, Sasuke would have sworn that his mother was trying very hard not to laugh.

"I have it on good authority," Shisui went on. "Sai here can tell you all about Naruto's penis."

"No, that's not it!" Sasuke cut in frantically. "I would never, ever go out with Naruto, because I like girls! You know, _girls_, like Sakura here!" He grabbed hold of a startled Sakura's wrist and dragged her to stand beside him.

Fugaku relaxed somewhat. "I see," he said, sounding immensely relieved. "She's a nice girl. I approve. As expected of my son." He turned to go, then paused, looking back over one shoulder. "Come and talk to me tonight, Sasuke. We need to set the wedding date."

Sakura choked.

"Y-you and Sakura-chan?" Naruto said in astonishment, as Mikoto and Fugaku's footsteps faded away down the corridor. "Since when?"

Sasuke looked desperately at Sakura, who simply stared blankly back at him. "Er," he began awkwardly.

Sakura withdrew her hand from his, her eyes cast down. "It's ok, Sasuke-kun," she said softly, and gave him a small smile. "It was just a misunderstanding," she told Naruto. "Sasuke-kun and I aren't really going out."

"That's because secretly, Sakura-chan wants to go out with me," said Shisui. "I'm so charming and utterly irresistible, and I can assure her that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with my –"

"You can stop right there!" Sakura said, cracking her knuckles menacingly.

"Whoa, feisty! Just the way I like 'em," Shisui leered, then dodged her fist with his famously fast shunshin.

Sakura swung back to face Naruto, Sasuke and Sai. All three of them looked wary, but she did not seem to notice as she stooped to pick up her backpack from beside her cushion at the table. "All right," she said to them. "I am going to get changed, and when I get back, we are going out. I am so going through with this and showing up that Ino-pig!"

As she reached the doorway, Itachi casually put one arm out to block her way, and Sakura came to an abrupt stop. "Going through with what?" he asked quietly.

"J-j-just a bet, Itachi-san," she squeaked, looking suddenly flustered, and Sasuke raised one eyebrow sardonically. "It's nothing imp-p-portant. Please excuse me!" She ducked under his arm and fled away down the corridor.

Itachi turned a speculative look upon the three boys. Sasuke and Naruto instantly became very interested in the ceiling and the floor, respectively, whilst slowly drifting into a defensive huddle, back to back. Sai, however, had no sense of the impending danger, and returned Itachi's gaze.

"Is there a question you would like to ask, Itachi-san?"

"Sakura's bet with Yamanaka Ino. What exactly does it involve?"

Alarmed, Naruto and Sasuke both jerked round to look at Sai, Sasuke fixing him with a warning scowl, whilst Naruto made frantic _be quiet_ gestures. Sai paid neither of them any mind. "I cannot say," he said. "Sakura made me promise not to tell anyone. She also threatened to break every bone in my body."

Itachi's gaze travelled slowly back to his younger brother. "Sasuke," he said. "Tell me."

"Don't do it, Sasuke," Naruto hissed frantically. "Sakura-chan will kill us if she finds out!"

"I'm not stupid, dobe."

Itachi cleared his throat. "I'm waiting, Sasuke."

"You heard Sai," Sasuke said. "Sakura won't like it if we tell."

"She won't just break every bone in our bodies," Naruto added. "She threatened us with castration."

"Is that so?" asked Itachi. "How fascinating. By the way, Sasuke, I'm still waiting."

Sasuke swallowed. "You can't make me tell!" he said defiantly. "Besides, now that father thinks he may actually have grandchildren, he would be very unhappy if his future daughter-in-law beat her fiancé to death before the wedding."

"Foolish little brother, if she beats you half to death, father will be much happier to call the wedding off when you go to see him this evening, and you won't have to explain to him that there isn't _going_ to be a wedding, because you _aren't_ actually engaged to Sakura," Itachi pointed out.

"He's got you there," Shisui said.

Sasuke hesitated. "I hate you when you're right," he said grudgingly.

"Man up, Sasuke! Man up!" Naruto urged him. "If you tell, she'll beat the hell of out me too!"

"Good. We're going down together," said Sasuke.

"Awww," said Shisui. "How sweet. A lovers' suicide pact."

When Sakura returned half an hour later, Shisui and Itachi were gone, and Sai, Naruto and Sasuke were sitting at the table. As usual, Naruto and Sasuke were bickering, and did not notice her until she gave a small cough to announce her presence. They both jumped, and swung round to face her. There was something rather furtive and wary, almost – _guilty_ about the two of them, and Sakura wondered what they had been up to.

"Sa-sa-sakura-chan!" exclaimed Naruto, in far too bright a tone. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," she said, and struck a pose. "What do you think? Will anybody be able to tell?"

As Sasuke ran a critical eye over her, she felt her face heating up, and she did a little twirl so that she would not have to look at him looking at her.

"No," he said at last. "The jacket is quite long, after all."

"Good," she said. "Naruto, stop trying to undress me with your eyes."

He gave her his best leer, copied from Jiraiya, and mastered after much practice. "It's not like there's m- ouch! What was that for, Sasuke?"

"Just shut up, dobe," Sasuke said, still looking at Sakura with a serious expression. "Sakura."

"Yes, Sasuke-kun?"

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"I made a bet with Ino! I'm not backing out now!"

"But Ino's ideas are – are – are not very good," Naruto finished lamely, cringing in the face of Sakura's determined glare.

"The dobe has a point," Sasuke said. He still had not taken his eyes off Sakura and it was starting to make her feel awkward. Sasuke _never_ gave her intense looks, and now he just wouldn't stop with this one. "I don't think this is a good idea."

"I agree with him!" Naruto said quickly and earnestly. "It's totally not a good idea!"

Sakura blinked, taken aback. "Are you showing _concern_?"

Naruto looked mortally wounded. "Sakura-chan! I'm always concerned!"

Sasuke, on the other hand, had a contemplative expression on his face, as though he were weighing up the possibility that he might be concerned for Sakura with, well, _something _else. She just wasn't sure what.

"Yes," he said at last, staring at a point on the floor somewhere to the left of Sakura. "Yes, I am concerned."

Sakura smiled at the pair of them. "Well, thank you. And what about you, Sai?" She noticed that the other two were watching him uneasily. Curious. Had something happened whilst she was gone?

"I think you will be fine," he said, "since Ino was sure that you wouldn't do it."

As Naruto groaned and dropped his face into his palm and Sasuke's left eyebrow twitched, the smile slipped from Sakura's face, to be replaced with an obstinate, determined look. "I'm so doing this! Shannaro!" She spun on her heel, the jacket flapping around her thighs, and fired a glare back over her shoulder. "Are you coming?"

As they traipsed down the corridor, Sakura began to feel increasingly certain that Naruto and Sasuke were up to something, they were so very reluctant to let her go through with the bet. In the entrance hall, as the boys put their shoes on, she pulled Sai to one side.

"Did anything happen whilst I was changing?" she asked quietly.

Sai hesitated for a moment, and Sakura had a strong suspicion that his next words would be less than honest. "Itachi-san threatened both of them," he said, and smiled pleasantly. "You know how he is."

Sakura bit her lip. That actually sounded like it might be true, and would explain why her teammates were so jumpy. "Oh." She wasn't sure that she wanted to know what new devilry Sasuke's scary (but hot, Inner Sakura chirped happily) older brother had in mind for Team Seven.

"Having second thoughts?" Sasuke asked, gesturing at her bare feet.

"Hell, no!" she exclaimed, and hurriedly stepped into her stilettos.

It was mild outside, for which Sakura was very glad, though she still felt gooseflesh ghosting along her arms and bare legs. The last pink and gold of the sunset was fading from the western sky, and blue twilight crept through the air. The streets were busy, thronged with people enjoying the autumn evening.

The four young shinobi made fairly brisk progress, despite the strolling crowds. In fact, as far as Sakura was concerned, their progress was almost too brisk. That part of her that thought the bet was a stupid idea was getting much stronger the closer they came to the bar, despite Inner Sakura's best efforts to quash it. What if it didn't work? She would be absolutely mortified, and Ino would laugh herself silly.

She was too preoccupied with her thoughts to notice that the boys had stopped, and walked straight into Naruto, who yelped as she trod on his foot. "Sakura-chan," he said reproachfully, standing in the light that spilled out through the open bar door onto the pavement. "Are you all right? You seem a bit –"

Before she could reply, there was a cry of "_Saaakura!_" and Ino was there, tossing her long fair hair out of her eyes. "I thought you'd chickened out, Forehead," she said, grinning.

"Hate to disappoint you," said Sakura, a mischievous smile dancing across her face.

"So, are you ready?" Ino asked.

"Yes, but I'm not showing you here."

Ino tapped one finger against her lower lip. "Good point. Indoors, bathroom?" She gestured over her shoulder to the bar.

"I don't see why we can't see," Naruto complained as they entered the bar. "After all, you'll be showing the ba- owowow! Are you trying to cripple me, Sakura-chan?"

"Shut up, idiot," said Sasuke. "Let's get a drink."

Sakura breathed a sigh of relief as the boys headed for the bar, Sai pointing out to Naruto that the more he spoke about the bet, the more attention he would draw to Sakura. At least one of the boys had some sense. The fact, though, that Sai had learned it from reading books really did not say much about the common sense and social perceptiveness of the other two. Instead, it spoke volumes about their lack thereof.

As Ino pushed the bathroom door open, Naruto gave an agonised howl: "Oh my God, not you again, stay away from me, you pervert!" Sakura, along with every other patron of the bar, turned to see what the commotion was about, but Ino seized her wrist and dragged her into the bathroom.

"Attention, Forehead!" she said, and flicked Sakura on the offending feature. "There are more important things to deal with than your noisy teammate. Such as the fact that I need to know if you really are holding to your side of the bet."

Sakura sighed, and started to unbutton her jacket.

"You'll have to work on your technique, Forehead, if you want to win this one," Ino said.

"I'm not trying to seduce _you_, Pig," Sakura snapped. Nonetheless, she fixed Ino with a sultry look from beneath her lashes and drew her coat slowly open.

"Mint green," said Ino approvingly. "I like it. It brings out your eyes."

"He won't be looking at my eyes," Sakura pointed out, as she started to do the buttons up once more.

"Well, probably not. It's not often that bartenders get to see a forehead as big as yours."

"Har har."

"Oh, were you referring to the fact that you'll be flashing him in your lacy green lingerie? Silly me. I can be quite the dumb blonde at times."

"Har har."

"So glad you love me, Forehead."

"You wish, Pig."

The two girls smiled at each other's reflection in the mirror above the basin.

"So, remember, it has to be _alcoholic_, not just any old drink," Ino said. "Otherwise I win."

Sakura raised a sceptical eyebrow. "You know, Ino," she said, "if I win the bet, I'm going to be in trouble."

"You're so close to twenty it doesn't matter," said Ino flippantly. "Anyway, it's just one drink, and if you don't want it, you can give it to someone else. Or are you chickening out?"

Sakura gave her a dirty look. "Hell, no! Just watch me do this." She swung round, thrust the door open, and stalked out into the bar, where the noise of half a hundred voices, each pitched to carry over the rest, as well as the music blaring from the speakers somewhere in the room, hit her ears. For the first time, she noticed just how crowded it was, and how many jounin and chuunin there she recognised. Like Kakashi-sensei, to name one at random. So, not only was she going to flash the bartender in the hope of an alcoholic drink she wasn't old enough to buy, she was also going to do this in front of her sensei.

Of course, he would look up from his drink – half-empty, she noted, even though he was still wearing that damn mask – and catch her watching him before she had time to glance away. His one visible eye crinkled as he smiled, and she waved back gaily, trying to act as normal as possible, whilst inwardly wailing that she was doomed, he would see, and he wouldn't let her live it down.

"Nonsense," snapped Inner Sakura. "Now that I've greeted him – sort of – he'll probably go back to his drink, and probably won't notice. Anyway, if he does, it probably won't even register as inappropriate behaviour. Not next to the _Icha Icha_ series."

"That's an awful lot of probablies," Sakura muttered to herself, as she threaded her way through the small eddying groups of people, all of them talking or laughing or sipping at drinks. She could see her teammates at a table in one corner, and for a moment, considered joining them. Then she saw that there were two other people with them and that these two other people were Shisui and the terrifying Uchiha Itachi, and promptly decided that she really would rather not join her teammates in her state of undress. Not that being naked under her clothes was in anyway an unusual state of affairs, but, then again, she normally had more clothes on under which she could be naked.

Even from halfway across the crowded room, it was fairly obvious to Sasuke that Sakura was having second thoughts. When he saw her look their way, he started to raise his hand to wave her over to the table, but then she turned and headed straight for the bar.

"So she's going through with it," said Shisui. "She's got her top button undone already." Sasuke did not even need to look at him to know that he was grinning. He could hear it oozing through his voice.

He glanced instead at his older brother, who was looming silently over Naruto, who was, in turn, huddled shivering against Sasuke's side, blessedly silent for once in his obnoxious life. To Sasuke's trepidation, Itachi was also watching Sakura. His face was blank, but there was something about the set of his mouth and the glint in his eyes that Sasuke knew spelled trouble.

In fact, Sasuke was fairly certain that he knew exactly what sort of trouble Itachi had in mind, because the only sort of trouble Itachi ever had in mind was the sort where Sasuke was screwed no matter what he did. So if he let Sakura go through with it, he'd get it in the neck, but if he stopped her, his big brother would make sure that Sakura knew that _he_ knew, and then he'd be pounded to a pulp. The bastard. His one consolation was that she'd probably pound Naruto just a little bit harder. Either way, his evening was ruined.

He slouched a little lower over his drink, watching Sakura through his long fringe. She was almost at the counter, walking in a way that made him feel something like butterflies in his stomach, and he could see the young barman eyeing her quite openly. He suddenly wondered what exactly flashing the barman entailed. She did have _something_ on underneath that jacket, didn't she? If she didn't –

He became aware that he was following an uncomfortable train of thought and that he might need a cold shower when he got home.

She was at the bar now. Sasuke's heart was thumping hard and fast, and he could hardly swallow as he watched her hands moving, as though in slow motion, to draw her coat apart.

And then Naruto went rigid and gave a high, horrified squeak.

And, with a shock like a bucket of icy water being dashed over him, Sasuke realised that the young barman had somehow turned into two people who looked an awful lot like Shisui and Itachi. Only that was impossible, because nobody could have covered all that distance with a simple shunshin –

Oh. Shit.

Sakura was frozen, staring at Itachi and Shisui with a look of uncomprehending terror. Sasuke, too, was paralysed with terror, but his was based entirely upon comprehension of how dire his situation was. It could not possibly get any worse.

At which point, Itachi leaned towards Sakura, and Naruto suddenly exploded into motion. One moment he was next to Sasuke, and the next he was standing on the bar counter. Sasuke would have sworn he was aflame from head to toe. "Get your hands off Sakura-chan, you pervert!" he yelled, drawing every single eye in the place to the bar, and then turned to Sakura. "Are you ok, Sakura-cha…" He trailed off, a luminescent blush slowly rising to his cheeks as his eyes were drawn irresistibly to Sakura's chest.

"Stop gawking, you moron!" she screamed, and delivered a ferocious punch to Naruto's gut. Winded, he reeled backwards, and sat down hard, clutching his stomach, and Itachi finished sliding the cocktail across the bar top to Sakura.

She took it automatically, and then realised that her coat was still open and that Itachi and Shisui were getting an eyeful of her lacy mint green push-up bra. And the bar had gone suspiciously silent.

"Naruto," she said, very definitely _not_ looking at Itachi and Shisui as she fumbled with the buttons of her jacket, "what the hell just happened?"

Shisui leaned casually against the counter top, so temptingly within range of her fists. However, she knew that he would simply shunshin out of reach before she could land a blow on him, and she settled for cracking her knuckles ominously. "A guilty conscience happened," he said, leering at her.

"You told?" Sakura screeched.

Naruto flinched. "It wasn't me! I swear it wasn't!" he said, waving his hands before him in frantic denial.

"You knew they knew?"

Naruto swallowed, and glanced nervously away. Following his gaze, Sakura met Itachi's amused eyes, and understanding broke over her like a wave. So this was why the boys had been acting strangely since she left them to change in the Uchiha house – and if Naruto had not been the guilty party, that left –

Turning slowly, swelling with the inexorable wrath of a woman wronged, Sakura caught sight of Sasuke slipping out the doorway. "Sasuke-kun!" she yelled, and he paused for a moment on the threshold, then bolted.

It was all the confirmation she needed, and she took off after him, people melting out of her way. She glimpsed Kakashi out of the corner of one eye, smirking beneath that damned mask of his, and Ino staring at her with a look of mingled amusement and shock, but neither of them were important right now. She would deal with them tomorrow.

The damned stilettos were slowing her down, and at the doorway, she stopped just long enough to tug them off. She could see Sasuke fleeing for his life down the road, and she gave one stiletto an experimental twirl. It did not have the balance of a kunai, but it still had a very pointy heel.

"Sasuke-kun!" she yelled again, springing after him, brandishing her stilettos threateningly. "The wedding is off!"


	12. Chapter Five: This Story is Crazy

And so it ends. Rather lengthy chapter ahead, as it grew longer and longer whilst I wrote it.

Thanks to everyone who has read this fic - knowing that people were interested and presumably coming back for more was great encouragement. Thanks also to my reviewers: you made me smile and want to keep writing more, every single one of you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chapter Five

This Story is Crazy

_Boioing_.

There was a moment's mystified silence. Then:

"Boioing?" said Naruto.

Pain's wooden expression had not changed one iota. "It seems your friend too has a Plot Shield," he said. "In her chest. Double Ds make it difficult to stab people accurately."

"Plot Shield?"

"It also goes by the names Plot Armour and Character Shield. A narrative device that prevents character death at dramatic moments and stretches the reader's willing suspension of disbelief further than that one inconvenient strand of melted cheese on a pizza. It also has the unfortunate side-effect of damaging the villain's credibility, especially when every single one of his Moral Event Horizons is foiled by Plot Shields."

Naruto frowned. "Melted cheese isn't all that bad, though it's got nothing on ramen."

Hinata looked from one to the other, feeling that the situation had sunk beyond the scope of anticlimax and was now plumbing the depths of bathos. Somehow, it had lost momentum and deflated.

A movement in the trees caught her eye, and she turned to see a girl with violently red hair and eyes leaning against the trunk of an olive, a sardonic smile on her face. When she saw that Hinata had noticed her, she adjusted her glasses and came strolling down the slope towards her.

"Got shafted by your love interest too?" she asked.

Hinata flushed. "N-not exactly," she said.

The red-headed girl patted her sympathetically on the shoulder. "Look, it's a hundred chapters and counting since you confessed to him and he still hasn't gotten back to you about it."

"Huh?"

"In canon, I mean."

Hinata stared at the other girl. "Y-you mean I actually confess to him?"

"And save his life, but nearly die in the process."

"And he still hasn't said anything to me?"

"Nope. Well, he's been friendly and encouraging once in a completely different situation, but that's it."

The bottom of her stomach seemed to fall out, and she looked back at Naruto and Pain, who were now arguing about the respective merits of pizza and ramen. He was so brave and determined, and watching him had given her confidence in her own self, and when she saw him or even just heard his voice, her heart leaped in her chest, beating so hard she thought it might choke her, and she felt so nervous and shaky and yet so deeply happy. She loved him, and she had been prepared to die for him just a moment ago. But that was when she thought he was kind and sensitive, and now it turned out that he was a dreadful wart with all the emotional sensitivity of a teaspoon.

The other girl had been watching her with an expression of knowing pity. "Men are bastards," she said sympathetically. "You save their lives and they either ignore you or stab you. Or both."

Hinata looked at her, and then at Naruto again. Dreadful wart or not, she still loved him. Feelings like that didn't just disappear overnight. But there was a little voice speaking in the back of her head, and it was telling her that the other girl was attractive in a spiky kind of way, and that, really, she was right. Men were bastards. Over a hundred chapters?

"Let's be lesbians together," she found herself saying, and then flushed in horror, covering her mouth with her hands to stop any more of these completely out of character thoughts coming out.

The other girl frowned pensively, adjusting her glasses again. "I don't normally go in for yuri, but I have this feeling that yuri is what ought to be happening right now … Bite me?" she suggested hopefully.

Hinata gulped and started fiddling with her fingers. Explaining that she hadn't actually meant it at all would be awkward, but the red-headed girl was advancing on her with a predatory glint in her eyes, and she really ought to do something before it got really awkward, and was that a smoke bomb falling to the ground between them?

It was, as it exploded in a cloud of purple smoke, and she sprang back and away, activating her byakugan on reflex.

"Hinata! Are you all right?"

A surge of relief went through her. "Kiba-kun! Chouji-kun!"

"What's happening?" Kiba asked. "Why is Naruto just _talking_ to that Akatsuki guy?"

Hinata glanced over at them. Their argument was starting to get quite heated now, and she wondered if she was going to have to step in to save Naruto's life again. Third confession lucky, perhaps?

"It's a really powerful jutsu!" Naruto was yelling. "It defeats every ninja who has seen it! Including Ero-sennin and the Hokage!"

"You should give up," said Pain without any visible emotion. "If you will not give up, then I will teach you the meaning of pain."

"What is it with you and making me give up?" Naruto's eyes were blazing with defiance. "I won't give up! I won't go back on my word! That is my way of the ninja! _Taijuu_ _kagebunshin_!"

xXx

A mixture of fear and exhilaration was pounding in Sakura's veins as she raced through the trees. She had done it, she had done it – she had kneed an S-class criminal in the groin, possibly removing him from the gene pool, and gotten away from him. She was coming to the fringe of the trees, and she could see Naruto out in the open, fighting someone in an Akatsuki cloak, and she gathered chakra to her legs to give her one last burst of speed.

And then something exploded just behind her shoulder, something hot and searing and expanding rapidly. There was light all around her, blazing, blinding her. As the blast lifted her off her feet and threw her down the slope, helpless as a doll, the thought flitted through her mind that Deidara was a long-range type and that she'd have been safer staying near him. After all, he'd hardly have blown himself up, just to get even with her. He'd have to be really crazy to be a suicide bomber. Damn it. She hadn't gotten away after all.

Her next thought was that the blast had gone off right behind her, and that she was remarkably unscathed – scraped and bruised from her tumble, but not singed or bleeding at all. And she hadn't seen exploded bits of her anatomy flying past her either. Everything seemed intact. Unusual.

Her third thought was that she was going to invest in a good Plot Shield for future missions.

Testing her limbs gingerly as she picked herself up, she glanced around to see where Deidara was, and then froze as two blood-curdling screams ripped through the air. She knew both those voices, and they belonged to two of the most demented maniacs she knew.

"Who the hell are you?" shrieked Ino, and Sakura turned to see her friend and Deidara staring at each other with identical expressions of horrified fascination on their faces.

"That was what I was about to ask, yeah!" Deidara yelled back.

"Ino-san," said Sai quite calmly, gliding in to land on the back of one of his ink birds, "he looks remarkably like you."

"I do not look like a girl!" Deidara fumed, swinging round to face Sai, and then his eyes widened at the sight of the bird. "You're an artist, yeah."

"Am I?" said Sai incuriously. "You do look like a girl. You remind me of Naruto, only you probably don't have a penis."

Deidara's eyes bulged, his face turning a deep shade of puce, but Ino giggled. "I think he's got style," she said, and the veins in Deidara's temples stopped throbbing.

An evil gleam in his eyes, he turned back to Sai. "You're an artist, yeah? A painter? There's something I should show you – a place you'd really like. I call it the House of the Interesting Frescoes."

Sai smiled politely. "Thank you for your kind offer," he began. "I am sure that the frescoes are very interesting, but –"

"How are they interesting?" Ino asked.

Deidara gave her an appraising look. "Do you get a lot of naked goat-headed men running around Konoha?" he asked.

"Naked goat-headed men?" Ino raised her brows. "I don't think so. So, that's what the frescoes are of? I want to see this."

"Good!" said Deidara. "Let's go, yeah!"

"Yeah!" said Ino enthusiastically. "Come on, Sai. I'm sure you'll enjoy this – they're naked, after all."

Sai showed his first sign of interest. "Do they have penises?"

"Yes!" said Deidara. "And the statues have ithyphallic bases, yeah. Are you coming?"

Sai hesitated for a moment, evidently torn between his duty and his art, and then Ino grabbed his arm. "Come along, Sai," she said. "How often do you get to see a House of Interesting Frescoes?"

As the three of them wandered off through the trees, Sakura became aware of the fact that her mouth was hanging open, and she snapped it shut. The situation could hardly get more bizarre, but at least she was now thinking clearly and the treacherous little voice of Narrative Imperative had gone quiet. So. Now to find Naruto again.

She turned and started walking back down the slope for what seemed like the umpteenth time. So, if Ino and Sai were here, did it mean that Shizune and Shikamaru and the others had arrived as well? Where were they?

"Puu!" said a voice from the grass near her feet, and Sakura jumped, surprised. She had forgotten entirely about the little white fluffball in all the excitement since her abduction.

"Mokona!" she said. "What are you doing here? Where is everybody?"

The little white creature waved its paws. "Mokona and everybody came to save Sakura! Everybody is fighting!"

A pang of guilt struck her. She had led everyone into danger, and now they were risking their lives against Akatsuki. Well, Ino and Sai were not exactly risking their lives, though they were risking their mental purity. But then again, she doubted that either of them had been particularly mentally pure before.

Kneeling down, she let Mokona jump into her hands, and raised the little creature to eye level. "Mokona, do you know where Naruto is?"

"_Taijuu kagebunshin_!"

Well, that answered that question.

"Here I go!" yelled a hundred Narutos in perfect synchrony, their voices reverberating round and round the olive groves and causing a cloud of birds to rise from the trees, calling in alarm. "Behold! My new ero-ninjutsu!"

A vein popped on Sakura's temple. A new perverted ninjutsu? There was no way in hell that she was going to let Naruto perform that technique!

"Naruto, you idiot!" she screeched, and set off at a dead run for the mass of orange jackets thronging the slopes below her. Mokona clung to her shoulder, long white ears flapping madly.

xXx

Close to the foot of the sheer-sided slab of rock that made up the Acropolis, Shikamaru and Shizune were watching a truly peculiar sight. Pressed against the boles of two olives, they looked on from hiding as a blue sharkman and another ninja exchanged a series of pleasantries.

"So, you must be the Hachibi jinchuuriki," the sharkman said, one hand reaching over his shoulder for the hilt of his massive sword. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

The other ninja was scribbling in a little black notebook, but now he glanced up. "You're not at all rhythmical," he said, "and you're breaking my concentration. I'm looking for a rhyme, but your input's not worth a dime." He paused. "Dime? I thought the currency was ryo … but I guess this works." He started to write again.

The sharkman sneered. "I'll give you more to think about than bad verse," he said. "I am Hoshigaki Kisame, one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist."

This time the other ninja gave Kisame a long, steady stare. "Hoshigaki Kisame?" he said. "How do you spell that?"

Shikamaru was just close enough to the eight-tails jinchuuriki to hear snatches of his muttering as he scribbled in his little back notebook. "Hoshigaki … pencil … Dynamic Exit … double lariat … half past four."

Half past four? Shikamaru squinted up at the sun. It was late afternoon, by the looks of it, but, now that he came to think of it, time and distance had not been making any sense since they were transported here by Mokona. They had sailed to an island, found the Underworld, crossed the sea to the mainland and run all the way up a mountain in the space of one day. Ridiculous. Come to think of it, had the sun moved at all during the course of the day? He decided it had not.

The jinchuuriki shut his notebook with a snap. "All right," he said, and Kisame reached for his sword. "Let's get down to business, to defeat the – whoa!" He jumped out of the way as Samehada came down where he had been standing, flicking his pencil at Kisame as he did so.

The sharkman dodged, and the pencil smashed a hole in one of the trees behind him, sending a shower of splinters flying. "Raiton vibrations to enhance piercing power?" he said. "Interesting. You're a worthy opponent. I can have fun crushing you."

The other ninja grinned, two short blades in his hands, sheathed in lightning. "Sorry," he said, "but my rhyme's gonna snatch your brain, yo. We gonna make it happen with the crazy rap skill - get ready to rumble, now be the time, uh huh. Do the impossible, see the invisible, _row row_, fight the power! Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!"

Shikamaru winced. The day was just getting crazier and crazier, and now it looked like two S-class ninja were about to clash. He _really_ wanted to go home.

And then the rocky side of the Acropolis exploded, massive slabs of white limestone tumbling down the cliff face, a dense cloud of dust billowing outwards and making the air dry and gritty to breath. An arm thrown up to shield his face, Shikamaru could swear he saw someone or something standing in the great gaping hole in the side of the rock, but then whatever it was flickered and was gone. An instant later, though, there was a blur of motion mere feet away from him, and he swung round to see the eight-tails jinchuuriki and another ninja so like him they could only have been brothers charging at Kisame from opposite directions. "Double lariat!" they roared, and Kisame's head described a graceful parabola through the dust-filled air.

"And the time is half past four exactly," said the jinchuuriki. "Just as planned."

"Bee," said the newcomer sternly, "have you been playing with your Death Note again?"

Grinning sheepishly, Bee rubbed the back of his head. "Well, it worked, bro," he said.

"Or did it?" came a voice from the trees, and Shikamaru felt his blood run cold. He knew that voice – and he knew that it belonged to a dead ninja. But standing there, the dust settling around him, was Kakuzu, holding Kisame's head by the hair.

Shikamaru felt an uncharacteristically Naruto-like compulsion to step out from his hiding place and yell at the world for being troublesome and aggravating and completely insane, but he was spared the effort by Bee's brother.

"This is impossible!" he shouted. "What is Akatsuki, an army of zombie ninja?"

"No," said Kakuzu, as he retrieved Kisame's body and started to sew his head back on.

"Actually, yes," said another familiar voice, and Kabuto appeared in the middle of the clearing, snakes curling from his sleeves. His hair hung in loose waves around his face, and behind his glasses, his eyes glinted gold. "Incidentally, I happen to be the one controlling them."

"Only because you pay better than Pain, you Aizen look-alike," said Kakuzu absently. "There you are, Kisame. How does it feel?"

"Good as new," said the sharkman. "Time for round two."

"That will be a thousand ryo," said Kakuzu. "Don't lose your head again."

Shikamaru glanced at Shizune. Her mouth was hanging open, and she was making gestures to the effect that what she was witnessing was absolutely impossible, and that she did not get paid enough to deal with situations like this, and that she fervently hoped it was all a bad dream brought on by eating too much shellfish or cheese or something.

Catching her eye, he nodded down the slope, in the direction of the houses of the gods. Neither Naruto nor Sakura were up here – it was hardly worth their time to hang around and watch the battle about to take place beneath the ruins of the Acropolis. The sooner they found those two, the sooner they could go home.

xXx

"Oiroke no jutsu, thong-style!"

As the smoke from the mass transformations cleared, Sakura skidded to a stop, brought up short by the sight before her. Sure, she knew Naruto was the number one surprising ninja, but she really had not been expecting this. Where there had been a swarm of boys in orange jumpsuits, there were now – there were – there –

Her brain faltered to a standstill, unable to quite process the sight before her.

"Dosukoi!" yelled a hundred very large female sumo wrestlers, each wearing nothing more than a few wisps of smoke and a thong.

Pain blinked.

"Hey, what about the nosebleed?" asked one of the wrestlers. "You're supposed to pass out from over-excitement!"

"You did it wrong, that's why, dumbass," said one of the other women.

"Well, so did you," another one pointed out snippily.

As the sumo wrestlers started to argue with each other, Sakura's thoughts finally dragged themselves out of their shocked paralysis and she shook her head wryly. Really, at times like this she was convinced that somebody needed to save Naruto from himself. And since there was no-one else friendly around, it was up to her. She started forward – and a swarm of paper butterflies rose from the grass, flocking together to form the figure of Konan.

Hell.

For an instant, Sakura stood there, indecisive and almost panicking. Here she was, face-to-face with an Akatsuki member who was made out of paper, with no-one to help her but Mokona.

Wait a minute. Made out of paper.

The thoughts flashed through her mind in the space of time between one heartbeat and the next, and then she lunged forward, smashing her fist into Konan's midriff. The Akatsuki kunoichi crumpled, and then burst apart into a hundred hundred white butterflies. Before Konan had time to regroup, there was a sudden shower of what looked like very localised rain all over the paper butterflies, and a very pungent aroma of –

"Yeah, way to go, Akamaru!"

Turning, Sakura saw Kiba, Chouji and Hinata standing a little further down the slope. With a sigh of relief, she ran down to join them, taking care not to tread on any of the soggy-winged butterflies littering the grass. As soon as she reached them, Mokona sprang into Hinata's arms.

"Hey, Sakura," said Kiba, grinning toothily. "Looks like you don't really need rescuing after all."

"No, apparently not. I have this thing called a Plot Shield which seems to stop me from getting injured."

"Um, Sakura?" Hinata said, cuddling Mokona. "You're bleeding. On your hand."

Looking down, Sakura saw that she was indeed bleeding from a series of very fine cuts all over her knuckles. Moreover, now that she had noticed them, they burned like fire.

"Oh," she said, "paper cuts", and stuck a knuckle in her mouth to suck on it.

xXx

Just a little higher up the hillside, Shikamaru and Shizune were hurrying down through the olives, following Tonton. Quite abruptly, the little pig skidded to a stop, all four legs braced, and then darted back to hide behind Shizune's ankles, shivering.

"What is it, Tonton?" Shizune asked.

"I think there are people ahead," said Shikamaru quietly. "Next to that enormous tree stump there."

"Akatsuki?" Shizune lifted Tonton, cradling her protectively in her arms.

"No idea," said Shikamaru. "We'll have to get closer."

Slipping from the shelter of one tree to the next, the two worked their way closer and closer to the small group of people ahead. As they drew nearer, Shikamaru noticed that what he had thought to be a gigantic tree stump was actually a papier mâché replica.

"It must be Akatsuki," he said to Shizune.

"Yes, of course we're Akatsuki," came a voice from behind, and Shikamaru and Shizune both swung round, startled, their hands flying to their shuriken holsters.

"Whoa! No need to attack me! I'm a good boy. Zetsu-san says so," said the man, raising his hands in defence.

"Is that you, Tobi?" one of the people lower down called.

"Yes, Konan-san, it's me, with some friends!" Before either Shikamaru or Shizune could protest, Tobi had clapped his hands on their shoulders and propelled them forward down the slope, chattering happily all the while. "You must be friends of that scary Sakura," he said. "She tried to punch me, you know, and she takes whack-a-mole very seriously."

Shikamaru's brain was working frantically. How to get out, how to get away – it would depend in part on the number of people down below and the sort of techniques they used. A flash bomb should work – it almost always did – but how to get one from his pocket without them noticing? He could always use his kageyose – that did not require handseals, and his shadow could then pick the bomb from his pocket. Right. Now to watch and wait for an opportunity, or to make one himself.

"Konan-san, Nagato-san, Itachi-san!" called Tobi happily. "We have some more friends for Sakura and Itachi-san!"

In one quick glance, Shikamaru took in the scene before him: a gaunt man in a gigantic mechanical wheelchair, half shielded by the paper tree stump behind him, a blue-haired woman standing at his side, and Uchiha Itachi sitting on the grass, carefully painting his nails. A flash bomb was definitely the right choice, he thought as a thin strand of his shadow crept up his trouser leg. They'd need it to blind the sharingan. Now if the man behind them would just take his hands off their shoulders –

"Konoha ninja?" said the man in the wheelchair, raising his eyes to look at them. Shikamaru saw their strange ripple pattern and blanched. The third of the great doujutsu, the one that his father said was supposed to be a myth. At least he was probably limited to eye techniques, as walking skeletons were not renowned for great feats of strength and agility. The flash bomb was going to come in _really _handy now.

"Nara Shikaku's son," said Itachi, glancing up briefly, "and the Fifth Hokage's assistant. Pass the popcorn, please, Konan-san."

"Pass the popcorn?" Shizune asked incredulously.

"You need popcorn when watching something entertaining," said the man in the wheelchair. "Besides, all their talk of pizza and ramen was making me hungry."

Shikamaru looked at his prominent rib bones and sunken cheeks, and decided to say nothing. His shadow unbuttoned his hip pouch and began to sort through the various scrolls, weapons and medicines in his first aid kit.

"Whose talk of pizza?" Shizune asked. "No, wait, don't answer. I don't want to know. People become pigs, old women fall from the sky, dogs shrink when patted, ninja get decapitated and have their heads sewn back on, and it has been half past four for the last I don't know how many hours, so I don't want to know who is talking about pizza and ramen. I mean, I know who is talking about ramen, but I don't want to know who he's talking to, because it will just be bizarre and surprising and I've had enough bizarre and surprising in this one day to last me the rest of my life."

"But surprises are fun!" said Tobi, and somehow blew a party whistle past Shizune's ear to demonstrate without taking off his mask. She jumped, and Tobi laughed, falling back a pace and pointing at her as he giggled.

It was the chance Shikamaru had been waiting for, and his shadow whisked the flash bomb out of his pouch and hurled it down hard. In the instant before it exploded, he caught Shizune and Tonton with the kagemane jutsu, and, as the blaze of white light went off, he threw an arm before his eyes and bounded away through the trees, as though a host of demons was at his heels. Which, as far as he was concerned, they were.

As the light faded and the dazzle left the eyes of the four sitting around the papier mâché tree stump, Tobi shook his head. "Such spoilsports," he said. "They have no idea how to have fun."

"They probably thought we were their enemies," said Itachi, blinking like a bat dragged out from its cave and exposed to the midday sun. His hands groped blindly for his bottle of nail polish.

"How foolish," said Nagato. "I wasn't going to attack them anyway. The story is clearly canon-incompatible, which means I'll have to use the reset no jutsu to sort it all out."

"Nagato," said Konan, looking worried. "You know it's such a chakra-intensive technique. You shouldn't use it."

"That's why I'm not doing anything at the moment," said Nagato. "I'm conserving my strength. Pass the popcorn, please."

xXx

"So, we need to rescue Naruto from his current predicament," Sakura said, "and to do that we'll need to incapacitate the Akatsuki leader. We probably can't do that, so instead we need a diversion, something to distract him long enough for one of us to run in, grab Naruto and run out again."

Hinata shook her head. "It won't be that simple," she said, cuddling Mokona in her arms. "He can pull people in towards him, so if he sees you running off with Naruto, he'll just pull you back. And –"

"Then we just need to keep attacking him until Naruto is safely away," said Kiba. "Chouji and I can take it in turns – if he tries to drag one of Chouji's nikudan sensha attacks towards him, he'll be flattened by the impact."

"He can also repel attacks," Hinata said. "He seems to use some sort of force field that can either draw in or force away whatever he wants to."

"Aw, man. You should have said that before, Hinata," said Kiba.

"She did," said Sakura, "only you interrupted her." She frowned. "This is going to be difficult, and we really don't have much time to stand around and talk. Naruto is right there, face-to-face with the Akatsuki leader."

"Talking is a free action," someone said cheerfully, and they turned to see the red-headed girl with glasses walking towards them. Hinata gave an _eep_ and ducked behind Chouji. Mokona bounced out of her arms and landed in the grass. "You must have noticed by now that people have plenty of time to stand around saying stuff in the middle of a heated battle," the girl went on, adjusting her glasses. "Or are you just stupid?"

"We're certainly not stupid," said Sakura. "And who are you, anyway?"

"Me? I'm Karin. Sasuke's love interest." The girl paused, looked at Sakura, whose mouth had fallen open again in astonishment. The others glanced between the two, and then Chouji backed slowly and carefully away. The rôle of Sasuke's love interest, Ino had explained to him before, was serious business.

"You must be Sakura," the girl went on. "A shallow, two-timing bitch."

Sakura's mouth snapped shut and a vein began to throb on her temple. "What did you say?" she asked, cracking the knuckles of her fists ominously.

Kiba whistled. "Awesome," he said. "A catfight."

"Well," said Karin, "you confess your undying love to Sasuke just before he joins us, but then, when the idiot down there turns out to be the village hero, you confess your love to him instead."

"She does _what?_" Hinata said, suddenly stepping out from behind Chouji. "Sakura, how could you!"

Kiba grinned in delight. "A three-way catfight," he said, and cast a thankful prayer to whatever deity it was who was looking out for him at the moment. The only pity was that it was not over him.

"Hinata," said Sakura, "I have no idea what she's talking about. I love Sasuke-kun – you _know _that."

Then again, Kiba reflected, Sakura was probably going to punch Naruto for his part in this, so he was perhaps better off not being the cause of the catfight.

"But you tell Naruto that you love him, because Sasuke has gone over to the dark side and is all bad and killing people and stuff that normal ninja do," said Karin. "A woman's heart is as fickle as the autumn skies and all that."

"Do you love Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked.

Sakura paused, her cheeks flushing pink. "You know," she said, glaring at Karin, "you're a troublemaker."

"So bite me," said Karin.

Quite unaccountably, Hinata blushed scarlet to her ears.

"Anyway," Karin went on, "there's no point being in love in this manga. At best, you're ignored, like Hinata, or rejected, like you, but at worst, you're stabbed, like me, or throttled, like you."

"Naruto-kun throttles her?" Hinata asked incredulously.

"Naruto would never do such a thing!" Sakura said in horror.

The next moment, Shikamaru, Shizune and Tonton burst through the trees. "Come on!" said Shizune urgently. "There are three Akatsuki, one of whom is Uchiha Itachi, and a madman blowing party whistles back there – we need to get away!" She paused. "Who is this girl – and is that Naruto arguing with someone from Akatsuki?"

"Her name is Karin, and she's with Orochimaru," Sakura said grimly. "As for Naruto, he's arguing with the Akatsuki leader, Shizune-san. And those soggy pieces of paper on your shoes? That's another Akatsuki member, vanquished by Akamaru and his dynamic marking."

Gingerly, Shizune wiped off pieces of Konan's paper clone on the grass, using a handy olive twig to work the more damp and clingy bits off the soles of her high-heeled sandals.

"Talking about pizza and ramen?" Shikamaru asked.

"They were, but then Naruto-kun transformed into a lot of female sumo wrestlers," Hinata said. "I don't know what they're talking about now."

Shikamaru looked again. "Puppies," he said. "The Akatsuki guy lost his puppy."

"And went evil because of it?" Sakura asked.

"No idea, but it sounds like it was traumatic."

Karin snorted. "Lost a puppy? He wouldn't last a minute in one of Orochimaru's labs."

"Of course it was traumatic!" said Kiba, glowering at her. "Losing a dog is like losing half your soul, isn't that right, Akamaru?"

"_Yip!_"

Shizune straightened up and cast aside the olive twig. "All right," she said. "There are six of us here, plus Tonton, Akamaru and the white fluff ball. That should be enough to grab Naruto and run for it. And to take this girl into custody."

Karin shrugged. "It was going to happen anyway. Might as well get it over with early. I'll tell you anything you want to know if you feed me."

Hinata dug into her jacket pocket and produced a small box of candied kelp. "If I give you this, will you tell me why Naruto-kun throttles Sakura?" she asked, flushing scarlet. "O-only I'd like to avoid making the same m-mistake myself."

Snarling, Sakura lunged for the two of them, only to be caught in an armlock by Shizune. "Calm down!" the older woman snapped. "We don't have time for this right now – we're trying to get Naruto to safety!"

"We'll need a distraction," said Shikamaru. "I have one more flash bomb, which we could use to blind the guy. The extra light will help me increase my shadow to grab Naruto. I can draw him back into the cover of these trees, and then we can get away from here as fast as possible. Wait – where are Ino and Sai?"

"Oh," Sakura said, feeling a sudden pang of guilt. She had almost forgotten about them, as well as the fact that she had sent them off with a mad bomber who might blow the three of them up at any given second. "They went off to look at the House of the Interesting Frescoes." She waved a hand in its general direction, somewhere amongst the terracotta roofs and stucco buildings of Olympus. "We'll have to rescue them too."

Shikamaru sighed. "What a drag. Why couldn't you troublesome lot just stick together like you were _supposed_ to?"

"That's not important right now, Shikamaru," said Chouji. His upper lip felt unusually prickly, and he had to keep fighting the urge to scratch it. "Aster- I mean Naruterix – no, that's not right either – Narutix, no, Asteruto, no, Naru- oh, by Toutatis, the little blond guy down there is in trouble and we need to help him. Don't you agree, Dogmatix? I mean, Akamaru?"

"_Yip!_"

Kiba snatched up Akamaru by the scruff of his neck. "You're _my_ dog, Akamaru! You don't belong to the fatty in striped trousers!"

Everybody flinched, but once more, Chouji did nothing more than poke his girth with two fingers. "What are you looking at? I'm not fat, just well-covered," he said, and scratched at his upper lip. "I don't know who you're talking to, Kiba." He looked back at Naruto and Pain, still engaged in their lengthy conversation. That little blond guy – well, not _so_ little, but shorter than him anyway – was one of his closest friends, and he was damned if he left him without support in the face of the leader of the opposing army. He did feel that soldiers ought to be wearing breastplates and kilts rather than black dressing gowns with a cloud pattern, but Romans were Romans wherever you went. "Anyway, this is a good chance for a punch-up," he said, and before anyone could stop him, he charged down the hill. Akamaru began to yelp and wriggle in Kiba's grasp.

Sakura watched him go. "Was it just me, or did he sprout a moustache?" she asked.

Shikamaru shrugged. "I guess he's just getting more into his part in the story," he said. "Whatever that may be."

At that moment, a little white bullet shot past their ankles, barking madly as it raced down the hill.

"Akamaru!" Kiba yelled. "Get back here!"

"He's not coming back," said Hinata anxiously.

"Akamaru!" Kiba howled, and flung himself after his dog.

"You really like your dogs, don't you?" said Karin. "I can see why Sasuke ran away from your village after all."

"Dogs have nothing to do with it," snapped Sakura.

"Er – yes," said Karin. "Sasuke's a cat person. I can't believe you were on his team and never knew that."

Shizune grabbed Sakura's arms again. "This is really – not the time – for this – sort of behaviour," she said between pants as she attempted to wrestle the snarling Sakura into submission. "We have to – work out – how to get them – back safely. Shikamaru, stop – standing there – and help me!"

Shikamaru sighed, and immobilised Sakura with his shadow bind technique. "Thank goodness you're sensible, Hinata," he said. "Hinata?"

She was not there, and Shikamaru felt a sinking feeling.

"She's trying to save Naruto again," said Sakura. "Probably from me this time. Look, we might as well just rush down there, grab the others, and keep running for all the good stealthy shinobi techniques are doing us."

Shizune and Shikamaru looked at each other, then back at Sakura. "Sounds like a plan," said Shizune. "Doing things normally isn't getting us anywhere."

"Remember what that old woman said," warned Shikamaru. "We have to fight the story and stay true to who we really are, not what the story wants us to be."

Sakura smiled brilliantly. "In that case," she said, "remember that shinobi must learn to look underneath the underneath. A headlong charge is the last thing they'll expect."

"Mokona can help!" added the little white creature from somewhere in the long grass, and the shinobi jumped, startled.

"Mokona!" said Sakura.

"I had no idea that white manju bun was here," muttered Shikamaru in disgust. Really, did they still have to treat it like an inoffensive itty-bitty liddle-widdle twinkie-pinkie bunny when it had sucked them out of Konoha and landed them in a strange world with monsters and witches and vacationing gods and Akatsuki?

Apparently oblivious to his thoughts, Sakura bent down and scooped Mokona into her arms. "What can you do to help, Mokona?" she asked.

"Mokona has super suction powers!" said Mokona. "It's one of Mokona's hundred and eight secret techniques!"

Sakura looked blank for a moment, and then a slow smile stole over her face. "Super suction, you say?"

xXx

Naruto was not entirely certain what had happened. If he thought about it really hard, he could come up with some sort of sequence of events, but even then he was not entirely certain that he had got everything straight. One moment he had been sitting on the grass, listening to Pain drone on and on about his dead dog, and the next a rolling ball of blue and white stripes came crashing down the hill, flattening Pain, who had been taken by surprise. Before the poor man could get up, Akamaru bit him in the leg, causing Pain to yelp and sit bolt upright to see what had bitten him. At this point, Naruto was pretty sure that he had said "Tiny!" or something to that effect and grabbed at the small white dog just as Kiba descended in an infuriated tsuuga, howling, "He's mine, he's _my dog you bastard come back here Akamaru!_"

It was after this that he began to doubt himself, because – as he remembered it – Hinata had grabbed him by the collar and started to drag him off. "You're coming with me, Naruto-kun," she said. "I won't let anybody touch you, especially not Sakura, because you're only going to throttle her and you won't want that." Except his memory was probably playing tricks on him, because Hinata never said his name without stuttering nor approached him so aggressively – she never approached him at all, in fact – and he really couldn't have heard that bit about Sakura-chan correctly. He was starting to consider the possibility that this was all a genjutsu, when there was a sudden noise like a very large vacuum cleaner, followed by a tugging sensation that quickly became a full-on irresistible pull.

It's Pain! he thought, trying frantically to keep his grip on the ground with chakra, but it was no use. He heard Hinata scream as her feet slipped and she was swept away, and the next instant he himself was flying through the air, arms and legs flailing as he tried to grasp hold of something solid.

And then he landed with a thump, on top of something warm and soft and smelling of lavender. Probably not Pain, then.

He opened his eyes, and met Hinata's startled gaze, a brilliant flush creeping up her cheeks. In a moment, he was sure, steam would start to pour from her ears.

A hand grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hauled him up. "Get off her, you pervert," said Sakura's voice, and Naruto beamed. _That_ was more like it. He was back on familiar ground here, with a blushing Hinata and a gruff Sakura.

"Sakura-chan!" he said. "I'm glad to see you again! Are you safe? How are the others?"

"We're here," said Chouji, tugging at his new chestnut moustache.

"Except Sai and Ino," said Shikamaru. "Thank Mokona for your save."

The small white creature bounced out of Sakura's arms onto Shikamaru's shoulder. "Thank Mokona!" it crowed.

"Thanks, I guess," said Naruto. "What did you do anyway?"

Mokona turned a pirouette. "It's a secret!"

"So, what's the plan for finding Sai and Ino?" Kiba asked, forcing Akamaru back into his jacket and zipping it up as tight as it could go.

Sakura offered Hinata a hand up. "It's all right," she said when the other girl hesitated and looked away. "The crack was getting to you."

Hinata smiled and took Sakura's hand. "Thank you," she said, and got up rather faster than Sakura had planned, so that she fell forward into Sakura's arms and knocked her down. "The romance in this story sucks," she said as they lay sprawled in the grass. "Let's go back to Konoha and be lesbians together."

There was a collective thud as the jaws of the male shinobi hit the ground, and Hinata paused. "Oh no," she said, turning scarlet. "I said it again."

"Like Sakura said, it's the story," said Shizune. "If we want to get out, we're going to have to do our best to resist it from now on. So watch what you say – and Chouji, can you do something about your outfit?"

Chouji frowned. "But this moustache suits me," he said.

"If you don't change it back, you'll be stuck here forever," said Sakura in her best lecturing tone of voice. "No more barbecue for you. Just olives and bread and stuffed dormice."

"No wild boar?" Chouji asked.

"No wild boar," said Shikamaru sternly. "No crisps either."

Chouji stroked his big red moustache contemplatively. "I'll work on changing back to normal," he said.

"Good," said Shizune, "but you'll have to do it on the run, because there's a man with a very big scythe and an Akatsuki cloak heading this way."

Sakura took to her heels. "Follow me!" she said. "We've got to get to the House of the Interesting Frescoes!"

The seven shinobi pelted down the hill, racing through the olives and oleanders, feet skidding on outcrops of smooth slippery stone. Sakura's heart was pounding from more than exertion. She had left Ino and Sai in the company of a crazed bomber, and she did not know if either of them had a plot shield. How could she have been so irresponsible? If something happened to them it would be all her fault.

The streets of Olympus were remarkably empty – Sakura had been expecting Sasori and Orochimaru at least to attempt to stop them – but as they passed by a house with a very large sun disk of beaten gold fixed to the pediment above the portico, she heard the unmistakable sound of a horse whinnying.

"A horse?" said Kiba, stopping to peer through the door. "Awesome! It has wings!"

Sakura skidded to a halt. "No, no, it's useless," she said, grabbing him by the arm. "It comes when that masked man, Tobi, calls it. It's a stupid tweeting birdbrain."

"I'm a _what?_"

A blue pony came trotting out and struck an angry pose between the columns. "Would you care to repeat what you just said?" it asked, and shook its rainbow-coloured mane.

"It talks!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Duh, of course I do," said the pony. "Where've you been if you think ponies can't talk?"

Sakura tugged at Kiba's arm. "There's no time for this," she said. "We've got to rescue Ino and Sai!"

The pony pricked its ears. "A rescue?" it said. "I'm onto it!" It sprang into the air. "Who needs rescuing and where are they?"

"Our friends – they're in the House of the Interesting Frescoes," said Naruto.

The pony looked at him blankly. "The what?"

"That's what Sakura-chan said." Naruto pointed at her. "Hey, pony, could you fly her there?"

The pony looked at Sakura and Sakura looked at the pony.

"Sure," said the pony after a moment. "This stupid tweeting birdbrain could probably handle that."

"I'm sorry," said Sakura. "I thought you were this other horse I saw here."

"Yeah, yeah," said the pony, hovering before her. "Get on. We've got friends to save!"

Sakura scrambled onto the pony's back, clutching fistfuls of rainbow-coloured mane in her hands. She could feel the draft created by the pony's beating wings about her knees.

"Hold on tight!" said the pony, and shot off. The wind whipped tears to Sakura's eyes and snatched her breath away.

"Where to?" called the pony over the booming of the wind and the beating of its wings.

"It's that house there, next to the one with the broken wall," Sakura gasped.

"Gotcha!" The pony began to climb, gaining height, and Sakura found herself slipping backwards. She tightened her fingers on the pony's mane and refused to look down, or to think about gravity. "We're gonna break in!" the pony called. "Be ready for the ride of your lifetime."

They paused for an instant, and then the pony rolled sideways, like a falcon at the start of its dive, and began to plummet towards the ground, wings beating so fast that they blurred. Sakura caught one dizzying glimpse of toy rooftops and a toy acropolis far, far below before the mist of wind-blown tears obscured her eyes again, and she found herself sliding down the pony's neck, towards its head.

Faster and faster they went, and now there was a force stronger than gravity that beat upon the pair, pressing Sakura almost flat along the pony's back. Her lips were peeling back from her teeth and her tears seemed to be streaming upwards past her eyes. The pressure built and built, but the pony went faster and faster, a haze building up before her outstretched forefeet. Sparks of electricity crackled through it, and then the haze began to taper, becoming cone-shaped, stretching around the pony and Sakura, and then – _then_, through the mist of tears in her eyes, it seemed to Sakura that there was an explosion of rainbow-coloured light and a dull tearing boom, as though the very fabric of the sky had been ripped apart, just before they smashed through the tiled roof of the House of Interesting Frescoes.

Shards of clay and snapped off spars of wood were falling all around them, tumbling down and down onto the three people standing below and staring up with open mouths and wide eyes.

"Ino! Sai!" Sakura shrieked, letting go of the pony's mane and reaching out her hands. They grabbed hold, just as the pony made a sharp, ninety degree turn so that they were no longer flying headlong towards the ground but instead parallel to it. They were still travelling at an impossible speed, and with Ino and Sai dangling behind her, Sakura found herself slowly sliding backwards off the pony.

A moment later, the pony smashed through one of the walls of the house, and they flew out through a cloud of plaster dust and falling masonry into the sunshine, and then shot almost vertically upwards again. Sakura focused all her chakra to her seat and the insides of her legs, gripping as tightly as she could in a desperate attempt to stay on and not be dragged off by the combined weight of Ino and Sai hanging off each arm.

Ino was shouting something, but Sakura could barely hear her for the rushing wind in her ears. Less than thirty seconds later, the pony described a gentle arc and descended to the ground, where the rest of the shinobi were waiting. As soon as she felt the pony's hooves touch down, Sakura let her legs unlock and slowly fell off the pony's back.

Naruto caught her. "That was some amazing flying!" he said.

"Naruto," Sakura said, still rather wobbly after her high-speed aerial experience, "is that a rainbow overhead?"

The pony bounded into the air again. "Of course it is!" it said. "That's my Sonic Rainboom!"

Sakura straightened up. Her legs were shaking and the ground felt as though it was going up and down. "A Sonic Rainboom?"

"It's beautiful," said Ino. "You should have seen it when we were flying, Sakura."

"It's a beautiful rainbow, I'm sure," said Shikamaru, "but hadn't we better keep going? We want to escape Akatsuki after all."

"Shikamaru's right," said Shizune. "Come on."

"You all need to escape?" the pony asked, flying along beside them as they ran. "I can help with that. There's a chariot in the place back there. If you guys all climb into it, I can fly you off the mountain top."

"Really?" asked Sakura.

"Really," said the pony. "Back in a jiffy!" It shot off, leaving a rainbow in its wake.

"It's a pity," Sai said, looking after the pony. "I was really enjoying the pictures in that house."

"Of course you were," Sakura muttered under her breath.

"He said he'd shown them to you, Sakura," said Ino chirpily, "and that you'd liked the one of the goat-headed man."

Sakura flushed. "I simply said that it was anatomically accurate, goat's head aside."

Ino grinned wickedly. "You know it was anatomically accurate?" she said. "Including his p-"

"Oh, shut up, Ino-pig," Sakura growled. "You're as bad as Sai."

There was a _whoosh_ and screech, and the pony was back beside them, harnessed to a glowing chariot. The sides and front of the chariot were embossed with shining suns, smaller versions of the splendid sun disk that they had seen on the pediment of the pony's house, and the traces and shafts were made from a fiery red gold. But it was the wheels that drew every eye. Spokes, rims, hubcaps – all were licking flame.

"The Chariot of the Sun!" proclaimed the pony, and pranced lightly on the air. "If only the Wonderbolts could see me now!"

Shikamaru eyed the chariot. "Is it safe?" he asked suspiciously.

"Of course it is," said the pony. "Come on, everypony, get in! This is going to be awesome!"

"You sure you can pull all of us?" Sakura asked as the nine ninja, the pig, the dog and Mokona climbed in. "Aren't we too heavy?"

"Nah," said the pony dismissively. "The chariot takes most of the weight anyway." It looked back at them. "All aboard? All right then – _hold tight, everypony!_"

Sakura did not need telling twice. She grabbed hold of the edge of the chariot, and gritted her teeth in the face of the wind. Glancing down, she could see the rooftops of Olympus streaking away below her, and then, quite suddenly, there were no more roofs, just the bare gravel slopes that plummeted thousands of feet down through the clouds.

They were escaping, she realised, escaping for real. Soon, they'd be off this mountain top, away from Akatsuki, and they'd be able to find their way back home.

A shadow fell on them from above and she glanced up. Hovering overhead was Deidara on a gigantic clay owl.

"You're not getting away so easily, yeah!" he shouted, and let a small bird fall from his hand. "I'll blow you all to bits if it's the last thing I do!"

"Oh, hell," said Naruto.

"Uh-oh," said the pony, beating its wings harder and faster.

As the small clay bird plunged towards them, Sakura looked down once more. Nope, the ground was far too distant for them to jump. She'd just have to trust to her Plot Shield to cover them all.

"_Katsu!_"

The clay bird exploded right between the chariot and the pony, burning up the traces and splintering the shafts. For one horrifying moment, the chariot hung in mid-air, as though unaware that its support had been removed, and then it dropped like a stone. Sakura's stomach seemed to rise into her mouth, and she clutched the rim of the chariot with white knuckles. On either side, a great billow of flame streamed up towards the sky, the fire on the wheels fanned to roaring, blistering life by the rushing wind. Far above, she could see the dot that was Deidara's owl, and the streak that must be the pony diving to catch them.

"We're going to dieeee!" Ino shrieked, clutching at Shikamaru. Perched on her shoulder, Mokona smiled happily, long ears whipped straight up by the rush of their rapid descent. "Somebody, save us!"

"Stop screaming!" Kiba yelled. "You're a shinobi, aren't you? Do something yourself!"

Sai was painting on his wildly-fluttering scroll, his brushstrokes frantic and hurried. "Ninpou: Choujuu giga!" he said, and an eagle of ink burst from the scroll. It rose into the air with a heavy downstroke of its wings, and then swooped and rolled beneath the chariot, catching it on its broad back.

"It'll take us to the ground," said Sai, and then sniffed the air suspiciously. "Is that something burning?"

"Yes," said Shikamaru. "Your eagle."

"Oh dear," said Sai. "The wheels are too hot, aren't they?"

"Seems so," said Shikamaru.

The eagle went up in a puff of smoke, and the chariot continued its free fall. However, an instant later, the little blue pony had reached them and grabbed the remains of the traces in its jaws.

"I c'n sl'w y'r cr'sh l'nd'ng d'wn," it said through gritted teeth, beating its wings determinedly. The chariot slowly began to tip backwards.

"The ground isn't all that far away now!" yelled Naruto. "You can let go!"

"What do you mean?" Sakura shrieked. "We'll never survive that sort of drop."

"Sh's r'ght," the pony said, straining against the weight of the chariot, nine shinobi, a pig, a dog and Mokona.

They were still dropping lower and lower, but the speed of their fall had slackened sufficiently for Ino to let go Shikamaru. "I really thought we were done for back there," she said.

"Uh, Ino," said Chouji, "we're still falling fast."

Shizune fixed Chouji with a stern look. "You haven't even tried to change back," she said. "Get rid of that moustache for starters."

The ground was rapidly rising to meet them. Here, the slopes were steep and shaley, and just a little further down were the first trees of the timberline. Sakura could have sworn she saw something moving in the trees, but it was the rocks that they were about to land on that drew her attention. She was pretty sure that they had been ordinary rocks, covered in snow, until a few moments ago, but now they were snow-free and starting to smoke and to blacken.

"It's the wheels," she said. "Oh no. We're going to set everything on fire when we land – including the rocks."

"What's that?" asked Naruto.

"Did you say we were going to set the rocks on fire?" asked Kiba.

"We're already doing it," Sakura said, and pointed. "Look."

Already the rocks were starting to glow a rich cherry red. A stunted tree that had spent the past three hundred years growing from seedling into wind-beaten sapling in the cold air and thin soils of the high mountains spontaneously caught fire.

"Can you lift us higher?" Shizune asked the pony.

"S'rry," it said, wings beating frantically, sweat running into its eyes and staining its coat. "The ch'ri't's too h'vy." Its jaws slipped on the traces, and then it lost its grip all together.

The next moment, the wheels hit the ground, which burst into flame. And being wheels and thus circular and poised on a slope, they did the most natural thing in the world. They began to turn, and the chariot started to run down the slope, leaving a trail of flames and lava in its wake. In its path lay a forest of snow-covered pines, with one small lamppost standing in their midst, its lantern lit and giving off a faint light. A creature with the head and torso of a man and the legs of a goat trotted through the pines towards the lamppost. He held an umbrella over his head, and carried a number of parcels in his arms.

"We're going to hit him!" yelled Naruto. "We've got to stop this chariot!"

The faun jumped at the sound of his voice, scattering parcels right, left and centre, and bolted for the safety of the lamppost. "Goodness gracious me!" he exclaimed.

"Get out of our way!" Kiba yelled. "Run for it!"

Hinata looked behind them. "Everything's on fire!" she cried.

"This story is crazy!" said Chouji, and buried his moustachioed face in his hands.

"No," said Shizune with determination. "I am."

"What are we going to do?" Ino asked.

"At this moment," said Shikamaru, with a scientific detachment, "I think we are going to smash into a lamppost."

None of the shinobi was quite certain what happened next. Sakura saw a rainbow-coloured streak swoop past the lamppost and catch the faun out of harm's way. Hinata, looking out the back of the chariot, saw a man like a lightning bolt strike the ground just behind them and beyond him, a figure striding down the mountain slope like the oncoming night, arrows rattling in its quiver. Ino and Shizune saw Mokona suddenly rising into the air and growing wings, and then all of them saw a bright white light rushing up and arching over them.

Moments later, they found themselves in a breathless tangle on the floor of the forest just outside the gates of Konoha, feeling as though they had just crossed an immense distance, either in time or in space, or perhaps both.

As Naruto lay sprawled at the bottom of the heap, the wind knocked out of him, and somebody's elbow digging into the small of his back, he could have sworn that he saw a red-haired man in a wheelchair not far away, who nodded at him, and then made a hand seal. Naruto blinked in surprise – and the man was gone.

xXx

Picture a sky of the softest blue, streaked here and there with the occasional wispy cloud. Now, imagine that there is a moment in which the sky seems to twist and swirl, reaching down long fingers towards the earth. And then, quite suddenly, the sky blinks, and snaps back to normal. For an instant, coils of blue vapour twine amongst the branches, before dissolving back into the atmosphere. All of this happens in the space of a heartbeat, hardly any time to be seen at all.

xXx

Shikamaru was the only person in the village to see the momentary warping of the sky. For a moment he remained where he was, thinking that it had looked suspiciously familiar. Not like Kakashi's Kamui, but something else, something that he knew he had seen before. What a drag it would be to get up and tell the Hokage that somebody had just used an extremely powerful space-time jutsu on the outskirts of Konoha, but, troublesome or not, it was his responsibility as a shinobi.

He sighed and sat up, squinting out over the rooftops of the village to the point in the forest where he was sure the technique had taken place. Damn it, he had just been ready to head home too. There was a shogi game calling.

Just a little later, he was heading out the village gates at the head of a four man cell composed of Team Ten and Hinata, under orders to track down the jutsu user, and send a message to the Hokage tower once they had located it. For some reason, Chouji had spent the mission briefing braiding his hair, and now sported two spiky pigtail plaits.

Sighing, he turned to Hinata. "Can you use your byakugan to scan the area to two o'clock? Tell me if you see anything strange."

She nodded, activating her jutsu. "I can see N-naruto-kun and Sai-kun and Sakura," she said. "They seem to be looking for something."

"How troublesome," Shikamaru said. "We'll have to warn them to be on their guard. Hinata, keep a lookout with your byakugan as we go."

"Y-yes!"

As it turned out, Team Kakashi was also looking for whatever it was Shikamaru and his team were searching for, having seen a strange white light appear in the forest at much the same time that Shikamaru had seen the sky warp. After a good hour scouring the forest with byakugan, ink mice and birds, shintenshin-controlled animals and basic scouting skills, they regrouped.

"Nothing except Kiba and Akamaru out for a walk," said Naruto.

"Nothing here either," said Shikamaru, and rubbed the back of his neck, yawning widely. "Ah well, I guess there's nothing to find after all. Let's head home. It's been a long day."

xXx

And somewhere in another dimension, a happy voice says, "Puu!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Spot the Quote**

(1) "It also goes by the names Plot Armour and Character Shield."

TV Tropes strikes once again, though you may be able to find this one on Wikipedia as well.

(2) "Look, it's a hundred chapters and counting since you confessed to him and he still hasn't gotten back to you about it."

This line, plus Hinata's "Let's be lesbians", and her double Ds reference the crack comics of Gabzillaz. But you probably knew that already.

(3) The jinchuuriki shut his notebook with a snap. "Let's get down to business, to defeat the – whoa!"

The opening line of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Disney's _Mulan_, of course, with the _whoa_ replacing _Hun_. But you knew that one as well.

(4) "Sorry," he said, "but my rhyme's gonna snatch your brain, yo. We gonna make it happen with the crazy rap skill - get ready to rumble, now be the time, uh huh. Do the impossible, see the invisible, _row row_, fight the power! Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!"

And this is verse of the rap from _Tengen __Toppa __Gurren __Lagann_, with the Muhammad Ali quote "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!", which Killer Bee himself uses in the manga, volume 44, chapter 411.

(5) "And the time is half past four exactly," said the jinchuuriki. "Just as planned."

A theory went round the Narutofan Forums at one point that Bee's little black notebook in which he writes his rhymes was a Death Note in which he notes down the names of his opponents and the manner of their death. And as the Raikage even mentions the Death Note, I feel this is a fairly self-explanatory reference.

(6) "What is Akatsuki, an army of zombie ninja?"

As of manga chapter 490, volume 52, they are. And Kabuto, with glasses and wavy hair, bears a distinct resemblance to Aizen before he became the main villain in _Bleach_.

(7) "Oiroke no jutsu, thong-style!"

This exists, it really does. It's in the tenth anniversary Fan Book. _Dosukoi_ is a shout used by sumo wrestlers.

(8) "The story is clearly canon-incompatible, which means I'll have to use the reset no jutsu to sort it all out."

The reset no jutsu was a term used to describe Nagato's actions in chapter 449, volume 48, again, if I remember correctly, by the Narutofan Forums.

(9) "Me? I'm Karin. Sasuke's love interest."

Karin mentions all the romantic un-development that Part Two of the manga has seen. As for the throttling of Sakura, that's Hinata jumping to conclusions.

(10) "Aster- I mean Naruterix – no, that's not right either – Narutix, no, Asteruto, no, Naru- oh, by Toutatis, the little blond guy down there is in trouble and we need to help him. Don't you agree, Dogmatix? I mean, Akamaru?"

Chouji's head is very firmly in the _Asterix_ comics by now, to the point that he confuses Naruto with Asterix himself. "By Toutatis" is one of the common oaths sworn by the Gauls in the books, calling upon the actual Gallic deity Toutatis or Teutates, whose name is related to the Teutons, the modern German name for the Germans, namely _Deutsch_, and Théoden from _The __Lord __of __the __Rings_.

(11) Really, did they still have to treat it like an inoffensive itty-bitty liddle-widdle twinkie-pinkie bunny when it had sucked them out of Konoha and landed them in a strange world with monsters and witches and vacationing gods and Akatsuki?

_My __Little __Pony: __Friendship __is __Magic_ gets two references in this chapter. First of all, "itty-bitty liddle-widdle twinkie-pinkie" is used by Pinkie Pie to describe her younger self in _Winter __Wrap-Up_, and secondly, the blue pegasus pony who pulls off the Sonic Rainboom and then attempts to pull the chariot of the sun is none other than Rainbow Dash herself.

As for the chariot of the sun, it is a direct reference to the myth of Phaeton, son of Helios the sun god. While trying to drive his father's chariot across the heavens, he lost control and the chariot careened out of its course and down towards the earth, setting everything in its path ablaze. Order was restored when Zeus crashed the chariot with his thunderbolt, hurling Phaeton into the river Eridanos. Helios, as you might well imagine, was not very happy about this.

(12) "Mokona has super suction powers!" said Mokona. "It's one of Mokona's hundred and eight secret techniques!"

Mokona does indeed have super suction powers, witness chapter 82, volume 11, of _Tsubasa __Reservoir __Chronicles_.

(13) In its path lay a forest of snow-covered pines, with one small lamppost standing in their midst, its lantern lit and giving off a faint light. A creature with the head and torso of a man and the legs of a goat trotted through the pines towards the lamppost. He held an umbrella over his head, and carried a number of parcels in his arms.

Say hello to Mr Tumnus from C. S. Lewis' _The __Lion, __the __Witch __and __the __Wardrobe_.

(14) "This story is crazy!" said Chouji, and buried his moustachioed face in his hands.

"No," said Shizune with determination. "I am."

"What are we going to do?" Ino asked.

"At this moment," said Shikamaru, with a scientific detachment, "I think we are going to smash into a lamppost."

Barely adapted from G. K. Chesterton, _The __Man __Who __Was __Thursday_. Chouji's line "This story is crazy" is an Obelix-ified take on the original "The world is insane".

(15) Hinata, looking out the back of the chariot, saw a man like a lightning bolt strike the ground just behind them and beyond him, a figure striding down the mountain slope like the oncoming night, arrows rattling in its quiver.

Zeus tries to deal with the chariot of the sun the only way he knows how; meanwhile Apollo makes an entrance like the one he does in the _Iliad_, book 1, lines 43-47. Not a bad quote to end on, either (all bad and well-nigh invisible puns on quote and note fully intended).


End file.
